1: The Coach and Horses

Dear Mum, Daisy, Iris, Petunia, Orchid, Peony, Marigold, Daffodil, Lily, Tulip, and Rose. Hope you’re all well. We are fine. We haven’t got to Altdorf yet but have had an interesting journey so far. I am dictating this to Willow and she promised to send it to you, so if you are not reading this, you know who to blame. I know you cannot read, but I trust you will give it to Mrs Bilbury’s aunt to read for you. I am asking Willow to write this slowly because I know Mrs Bilbury’s aunt is not a very fast reader.

I have travelled on my journey so far with Willamena Thistledew who is from just down the road. She is the third cousin of Aunt Sunflower’s Uncle Parsnip, so it was good to find close family on the road. Don’t tell her this, but she doesn’t seem to be ready for life outside the Mootland. She is quite timid and very unsure of herself among the bigs. (I asked her to write that bit with her eyes closed so she doesn’t find out, which is why it is so scribbly.) Willow is a herbalist and is always on the lookout for new plants and things, and if she finds something interesting, she usually smokes it.

She is being looked after by her cousin Hartpetal ‘Dreamy’ Thistledew. He was in the Fighting Cocks and we feel much safer with him around. You should see the size of his bow. I think they’re travelling to Altdorf so that Willow can learn more about Herbs, and Dreamy is only along to look after her, which is a good idea because I think she needs looking after.

We also met up with Brandyfoot Shortbottom. He is a Lowhaven but does not seem that bad. He doesn’t like the bigs very much and keeps insisting that all us Halflings should leave the Empire, as we make our way to Altdorf. I’m not sure what he does but I think he had to leave the Mootland in a hurry. But he seems confident that he will be able to make a living once we get to Haffenstadt.

I can’t wait to get there, they say the streets there are paved. But we still have two or three days’ travel to go, and we are running short of money. We may have to walk the last bit. We stayed at the Coach and Horses in Diesdorf which is a fine inn for a big place, the food wasn’t that bad, and the landlord was nice. He didn’t treat us in a patronising manner like a lot of the bigs do. He also had to contend with a noble lady who was staying the night, and as we all know they are very hard work.

Another noble looking lady was sat on the next table to us. She was called Blume. She complained about Willow’s pipe smoke, and about Brandy’s feet, and I think she would have complained some more if she could have thought of more things to complain about, but she was nice enough to talk to us, even if it was to tell us off.

Also at the inn was a student type who was reading a book and keeping himself to himself, and a foppish looking fellow who we later learned was Bretonnian. I remember you told me that Haricot is a Bretonnian bean, and you named me that because a Bretonnian rode past our house, once, which makes me feel half-Bretonnian.

We ordered drinks and pies, except Willow had her usual boiled water because she doesn’t like ale. Blume wanted us to buy some for her, and in return she proposed to give us a piece of paper with the price written on. And when her father came back from being a merchant, we could use the piece of paper to get the money back. I’ve seen any number of big schemes that sound a bit mad, but that is one of the maddest. She must have thought we were born yesterday.

Then Brandy started going on about the Halfling Independent Party again. We’ve told him before that the bigs don’t like it, but he won’t be told. Blume told him that it was dangerous talk that could get him strung up by his toenails, but we stuck up for him saying that if he couldn’t speak his mind whose mind could he speak, and that if you share pies, you can share opinions. We Halflings are a wise bunch and have a saying for every occasion. But I think we all secretly agreed with Blume that Brandy should be careful about where he starts his HIP talk. And Willow wondered why can’t we all just get along, but she had been smoking some of her special pipeweed.

Instead of listening to Brandy, Blume went off to talk to the noble lady, who was called Isolde. But I don’t think she wanted to talk to Blume. I think perhaps Blume is not as high-society as I thought she might be when we first met. It’s hard to tell with bigs with all their little quirks and stuffy customs about class. It’s much easier being a Halfling, where we’re all the same class. Although I suppose bigs must find our clan system quirky and confusing.

Blume looked a bit crestfallen when she returned. And seeing her stood up we realised that she was actually rather small for a big. We asked whether her mother was a halfling, and she was insulted by that. We thought she was a new thing, a Middling, perhaps. But I think because she was so short that helped us like her more. She told us that she was an engineer from who was studying in Nuln, and that she specialised in designing guns. This made me very excited, as you know, I’ve always wanted my own gun, and Brandy likes guns too, so we demanded that she show us some of her guns, but it turns out she didn’t have any because she hadn’t designed any yet, which was very disappointing.

The other three went off to book us a place on the coach heading north. The two coachmen were extremely drunk, so that was a good sign. I have always said a few beers helps with concentration and coordination, although Willow actually thinks it’s bad for you. Dreamy managed to get us a good deal, but we didn’t realise it at the time, it meant we would be travelling on the outside of the coach, instead of inside in the warm. While they were gone, they decided among themselves that we should keep ‘Big Bloomer’ around. She wasn’t too big, so not at all scary, but she was a big so we would have someone to do all the big stuff we might need to do. And if she proved to be a disappointment, Dreamy said we could throw her under the coach, but I don’t think he meant it like that.

Meanwhile I was left talking to Blume who was writing things in a book. I didn’t really know what to say to her so I asked her to write this letter, but I think she got bored by the time I got to the end of the salutation, which is why Willow ended up writing it. (Hello. This is Willow. I am writing this. How are you, Mrs. Chard? How are the children?)

When they got back, Brandy got out some of the stuff he had been carrying. I am not sure whether he is a real merchant, but he had some stuff to sell. He managed to convince Blume to buy some bergamot perfume, which she paid for by writing down the price on a piece of paper. As I said, she must have thought we were daft, and it turns out Brandy is.

Then the foppish big came over and started talking Bretonnian. He was called Phillippe. I explained that I was half Bretonnian, but couldn’t speak it, and he challenged us to a game of cards. I’m always up for a quick game of Pigs in the Barn, but he wanted to play Scarlet Empress and gave a quick explanation of the rules. I just watched Willow play for pennies and Brandy play for pies and the paper money thing he got from Blume. Willow won the first two games but lost the third game and got a bit upset about it. Brandy lost the ‘cheque’ that Blume had written, but I think it was worthless anyway, so he didn’t lose anything, but Phillippe seemed happy enough with it, so he might be just as daft as Brandy.

Then Blume put the perfume that she’d just bought from Brandy up as a stake but lost that. I felt a bit sorry for her, even though she had paid for it with her imaginary money, and wanted to win it back, so I staked four shillings, and lost it straight away. I know you told me to be careful with my money and not to waste it, and this Bretonnian was a stranger, and so I should have been more careful, so I promise to try my best not to gamble on strange games with strangers in future.

Soon it was time for bed and we all went into the common dorm. We invited Blume to sleep with us. We said she could even be in the middle, but she preferred to sleep all on her own. I will never understand these bigs.

In the morning we all got up nice and early ready to head off on the next leg of our journey. However we had to wait a long time for the coachmen to emerge. It is important, when travelling by coach to make good time so you can reach the next coaching inn before nightfall. The roads of the Empire can be dangerous after dark, so we were a bit impatient, but the landlord served us extra breakfast so that made up for things.

The noble lady got into the carriage with her maid and her bodyguard and then Philippe got in. And then the student. There was still room for one more inside and I thought it would only be fair to let Blume in, too, but the noble lady wouldn’t allow it. And then Blume told me off for asking. Bigs!

So we all sat on top of the coach, with all Isolde’s luggage and hat boxes, and Blume joined us, which she also complained about. And it looked like rain. After much waiting the coachmen did emerge, but were the worse for wear, and set off extremely slowly. While a good amount of alcohol is obviously good for you, there might be something in Willow’s idea that too much can be bad.

After a while Brandy offered to sit with them, and then they even let him drive so they could have a nap and recover a bit. And then the rains came. We were getting soaked through but judging by the hat boxes the lady Isolde had a lot of hats she wasn’t using at the time, and so it only made sense for us to borrow them. So, we all rooted through the hat boxes looking for the widest brimmed and most colourful hats we could find to keep the rain off. I think we ended up looking rather dashing, and so when the rain stopped there didn’t seem like much point in taking them off. I will try to save my hat until I get back, mum, because I think it will suit you.

Bloomer did not want a hat but she said she was intelligent, well-dressed, and pretty so she didn’t need anything else. And she said once her father returned from being a merchant she would be able to buy whatever she wanted. She would get all his money as she was an only-child. And she said she liked being an only-child. I didn’t know you could even be an only-child, let alone like it. I thought perhaps she had a lot of cousins to make up for it, but she said her parents were only-children too. Bigs are mad.

Soon we were beginning to get a bit hungry and approaching another coaching inn Brandy began to steer towards it and try to stop, but one of the coachmen grabbed the reins from him and continued on our way. Now they were a bit more awake they realised we were behind schedule and needed to get to our appointed coaching inn before nightfall. And so we had to continue with rumbling stomachs and we had to dig into our emergency rations, which we didn’t like to do because they were quite expensive. I only have a little bit left of the jar of damson and elderberry jam you gave me. I think I will save it for an emergency.

Later that day, after a good amount of driving, but still quite a way from the next inn, we rounded a bend in the road and were met with a grisly sight. There was a body lying in the middle of the road covered in blood. And there was a figure standing above the body. This big was covered in blood, too, and had a hand, a real hand, of a big, dangling from his mouth. Our approach obviously disturbed him, and he turned to face us. He seemed to have green ichor, or something, covering his skin, and he was munching on the dismembered hand. Please do not get the impression this is typical big behaviour. This was extremely unusual, even for bigs.

The coachmen managed to stop the coach, and Dreamy nocked an arrow. He was about to shoot, but recognised this strange mutated big as Rolf, apparently, an old colleague from one of the free companies the Cocks used to fight with.

The horses bolted, dragging one of the coachmen away, and Rolf leapt towards the other one stabbing him and leaving a gaping wound in his chest. The carriage door opened and Phillippe got out. He drew his pistols and fired at Rolf, hitting him and rocking him backwards. I quickly jumped down from the carriage and drew my sword, anxious to be of help. But Brandy, who was hiding among the hat boxes slinged at Rolf, hitting him in the head and killing him.

Brandy excitedly shouted out ‘I got him!’ but Willow was looking on disgusted by the whole thing. Bloomer consoled her with the words that ‘sometimes it’s kill or be killed,’ and Willow replied that that might be why Bloomer had no friends.

Anyway, Willow got down and began to apply the principles of first aid that she had learned to the coachman, but I’m not sure she managed to help much. And Lady Isolde got out, and with no concern for the coachman demanded to know where the horses were, and that we should go and get them. And to be fair, she was right. We wouldn’t be going anywhere without the horses. And in all the commotion, I don’t think she noticed we were all wearing her hats.

To be honest, this was all rather exciting. In all my time in the Mootland river wardens I had never experienced anything like this. We had been in a fight with a band of cheese smugglers once, but they had given up with very little bloodshed. I had jumped down from the carriage looking forward to crossing swords with Rolf, and felt a tinge of disappointment that Brandy had dispatched him before I could get a blow in. Is that bad, mum?

We heard a bestial cry coming from around the bend further along the road. After a few moments hesitation we decided to go towards it. Phillippe reloaded his pistols and led the way and we followed. We saw some disturbance in the nearby undergrowth, and out from the forest emerged the second coachman, urging us not to shoot. After that scare we continued as the coachman went to help his injured colleague.

Around the bend we could see a second coach lying on its side with its horses dead. Our horses had stopped nearby. We could see a number of bodies on the ground that we could assume were the crew and passengers of this coach. But there were some living figures among them. They were all tainted, like Rolf had been. They were all bigs, probably, but they had mutated in some way. Mutants are surprisingly common among the bigs, but they hunt them down and kill them.

A dog-headed creature was sitting down, while a pointy-headed one was tending to his wounds. A very small-headed one was hacking at one of the horses, and a cloven-hoofed mutant was feasting on some of the flesh. Dreamy quickly loosed his arrow, but it missed, and then Phillippe fired his pistol and the bullet went straight through the small-headed one’s small head, killing him instantly. Brandy seemed a bit overawed by everything and asked Dreamy who he should be aiming at, but that didn’t help and his sling shot missed.

I was keen to get a sword thrust in, but Blume was beside me and surprised me by getting into the fight before me. I know she has slightly longer legs, but I was surprised to see her so keen to get involved. I thought she might wait for her father to come back from being a merchant before committing herself. She thrust her dagger at the pointy headed one wounding him and distracting him enough so that I could land a sword blow. And I killed the thing.

I know you brought me up to be polite and modest, like all good Halflings, but when I had sunk my sword into the creature’s flesh and saw him slump to the floor, I did not know what to do with myself, and I let out a shout of triumph. The thing was evil, and it was my duty to the Empire, and to the Mootland, to slay it, and so I did. And I am not ashamed to say I felt jubilant.

But this was no time to rest on our laurels. The one with the cloven hoofs charged towards us, narrowly missing Blume, and Dreamy managed to shoot it dead. Brandy was still unsure of himself and didn’t seem to know what to do. The dog-headed creature shot his crossbow at Phillippe but missed, and as he did, I pounced and chopped his dog head off his dog shoulders.

And that was the lot of them. We were safe, and I had helped, slaying two of the mutants. And my shout of triumph after this was even louder than the first. I’m not sure that is the right way to behave, but my heart was pumping and the thrill of the fight, and victory, was overwhelming.

Willow was already tending to the wounded and seeing whether there were any survivors from the other coach. I think she was also relieving the of any valuables. They would not be needing them so I expect it was what they would have wanted. As well as the coachman, there was a Sigmarite priest, a couple of scholars, and a couple of townsfolk.

And while we were clearing up and retrieving the horses, we found another body away from the road in the undergrowth with a crossbow bolt in its back. When we turned it over our first thought was that somehow, during the fight, Blume had been killed. But we could see her just a few yards away as right as rain.

Willow asked whether Blume had a twin sister, but we already knew she was an only-child. Willow then tried to ‘heal’ the dead body and came up with a couple of documents. They are reproduced here.

Messrs. Lock, Stöck, & Barl Civil Lawyers, Commissioners for Oaths, etc. Garten Weg Bögenhafen

Dear Frau Lieberung,

After many lengthy Researches, We have come to believe that You are the only living Relative of one Baronet Lieberung, late of the town of Ubersreik. This being the Case, and any other, heretofore unknown and pertinent Factors notwithstanding, I am herewith charged to inform You that You are the sole Beneficiary of the Baronet’s last Will and Testament (hereinafter referred to as the Party of the first Part).

I, the undersigned, acting in my Capacity as legal Executor of the aforementioned document of the Party of the first Part, do therefore urge You to make your way with all convenient Speed to my Offices at the Address superscribed in this Letter. Thereupon, and upon your production of a signed and twofold witnessed Affidavit confirming your identity as Kastelle Lieberung, We shall be pleased to place into your Hands the Title deeds to Lieberung Manor and all attached Lands and Estates, and the bequeathed Sum of twenty thousand Gold Crowns, Imperial.

I remain your most humble and respectful Servant, Dietrich Barl, K.C., LL.B. Altf.

Signed this tenth day of Nachexen In the two thousandth, five hundred and twelth year of The Empire

and

Affidavit of Identity

We, the undersigned, do solemnly swear and affirm that the bearer of this document is Kastelle Lieberung.

Ingrid Zicherman, Priestess of Sigmar, Nuln

Oskar Helmut, Guild Master, Guild of Merchants, Nuln

Witnessed by Reiner Barthold, Worshipful Company of Advocates, Nuln

We all looked at Blume and I think everyone was thinking the same thing, except maybe Blume herself. I have no idea how bigs think. So Dreamy rubbed some mud into Kastelle Lieberung’s face and turned her back onto her front. And we wondered how we might get to Boegenhafen.

Anyway, this has been a very long letter and I’m sure you will find some of it interesting and surprising. Who knew so many strange and exciting things would happen to us on our journey. I hope it finds you well, mum, and I promise to write again soon.