59: Allavandrel Fanmaris

Hello mum. You’ll be pleased to hear that we did get to the carnival after all. And so I can tell you a bit about it. We’ve already entered two events and did well in both, although I haven’t entered anything because they don’t have a rowing competition, or anything like that. And we met an elf.

We were watching the vetting of the prospective fighters at the Square of the Martials. They only let eight people in the tournament but a lot more than that wanted to have a go. And Guido went over to chat to Dieter Schmiedehammer (I’m going to call him Dieter or we will run out of ink) the graf’s champion. He had a table with an array of weapons on it so he would be prepared for whatever weapon his opponent chose.

Dieter also had a prominent broken nose, so however good he is supposed to be, someone must have got a good hit on him at one time. Guido politely asked him what he thought of his prospects and Dieter was careful to be respectful of his potential opponents, but he seemed confident enough, and he is undefeated for four years.

Dieter explained that the graf was a decent fighter himself, and doesn’t get involved in many disputes, so he hadn’t even needed to fight in the course of his duties yet, except for this tournament. So his position was mainly honorary.

Dieter asked Guido if he was entering the tournament, and Guido was about to say he wasn’t but Blume butted in and insisted that he was, and this was enough to make Guido agree (I think he wanted to enter all along). Then Blume smirked a bit and said it would bring Guido down a peg or two when he got beat up. This was a bit mean, but I could see her point.

So Guido paid his three crowns entry fee and had to be vetted by the guards. They checked his bicep (which to fair isn’t that impressive) and Guido got affronted and insisted he was a skilled fighter and then went on about all his martial achievements until the guard relented. Then Guido and Dieter shook hands and wished each other luck if they should meet in the tournament.

And they showed Guido a long sheet of paper with lots of rules and regulations on it and made him sign it. The main idea was that he had to swear allegiance to the graf and never take arms against him, and serve until he was no longer wanted.

Then they drew straws to see who would fight and the first fighter was a young, hopeful woodsman called Arne and he had to fight Dieter. The woodsman chose an axe for his weapon. So they brought out a couple of axes that had been specially blunted for the tournament, and they gave each participant a mail jerkin, a coif, and a helmet.

The fight was to be until one combatant concedes or is unable to continue and fighting in anger was banned, though I’m not sure how they tell the difference. So I think they were making some effort with the health and safety. After all who wants a new champion who is bleeding all over the place.

The guards beat their drums and the two fighters approached each other and the crowd went wild, but before he could even swing his axe, Dieter caught Arne round the side of the head with his axe and he fell to the ground.

That was a bit brutal, but Blume really enjoyed it and she shouted her support. And the bloke behind her said that if she liked this then she should see the minotaur fights. Blume said she wasn’t that interested because they were only animals, but the man explained that they fight men against minotaurs which interested her, but I told her that they didn’t use real minotaurs, they just used people dressed up in pointy helmets and fur coats.

Then the next lot of straws were drawn and it turned out that the next fight was to be between Guido and a veteran halberdier called Barmy. And of course, being a halberdier he chose halberds to be the weapon. But I think Guido didn’t mind too much as he had often practised on Das Moot with his spear which is a bit like a halberd. And the halberds were blunt, anyway. Even Blume wished Guido luck.

The bloke behind us offered Blume a five shilling bet that Barmy would win, but I told him to put ten shillings on it and he accepted (don’t worry mum, I don’t usually gamble, but this was a special occasion).

The drums beat again and Guido and Barmy closed. I think Guido was taking his time trying to work out his opponents strengths and weaknesses by watching him, because he pretends to do that a lot. I think there must have been a lot of halberdiers from Barmy’s regiment watching because they were cheering very loudly. Dreamy said it was the Barmy army.

Barmy went for the first blow but Guido managed to bat it away and then he replied and got a good hit to the halberdier’s body. But Barmy got a similar hit back, and the two of them looked like they were well matched. Then Guido stepped inside Barmy’s attack and smashed him with the haft of his weapon, and he was definitely on top. I suppose all that dancing about he used to do every morning on the deck of Das Moot while I was making breakfast was worth doing after all.

The halberdier went for another swipe but Guido side stepped it, and then got a good bash with his halberd forcing Barmy’s own weapon into his face and bloodying his nose and the full force of Guido’s blow knocked Barmy off his feet. And that was that. Ten shillings, thanks.

Guido offered Barmy a hand and pulled him to his feet which is the sort of thing he does, and the crowd liked it because it looks like good sportsmanship. Then he said ‘well fought, you did your regiment proud,’ which is the sort of thing he would say.

So that was Guido’s fight done. I think he has to come back the day after tomorrow and fight again. And if he wins that one he will have to do the final fight to become the champion. And in one of those fights he will probably have to face Dieter.

Guido had taken a hard blow, though, so after I had collected my wager, I offered to look for Willow to get her to look at his bruises, but he told me not to fuss, and carried on talking tactics and stuff with Dreamy.

Meanwhile Willow was down in the Wynd keeping an eye on Annette Schwarz’s coopers. She was sat in a pile of rubbish in a nearby alleyway doing some knitting but I’m not sure whether it was supposed to be incognito or just a comfortable place to finish a sock. She sat there for hours but nothing much happened.

Then she noticed a young urchin running towards her carrying a pasty, and he was being pursued by a halfling chef brandishing a rolling pin shouting ‘stop thief.’ And the urchin tried to run past Willow but fell over right next to her, and when he saw he was going to be caught he took a bite of the pie. And then he said to the chef that his mate would pay for it, and pointed at Willow.

Willow said that she would not pay for it, and she didn’t know the urchin, but she told him that the chef would let him have the pie for free because he was so hungry (if there’s room in your heart, there’s room at your table – Willow), but the chef refused. Willow said surely there was a stale pie left over from yesterday he could have, and the chef admitted that those were the ones he was selling today.

Willow asked the chef’s name and it was Piemacher, which was not a name she had heard before, and didn’t know any Piemachers in the Mootland. And the chef said he wasn’t from the Mootland, nor were his parents, and nor were their parents, which sounded a bit strange to us. We didn’t know there were halflings that were never from the Mootland.

In the end Willow made the two of them do a deal where the urchin and his friends wash all the windows in Piemacher’s bakery to make up for it. Anyway, I think Willow preferred the urchin to the chef even though the chef was a halfling and the urchin was a pie thief.

So then Willow watched the coopers for a bit longer and saw Schwarz selling a few barrels, but nothing exciting happened. And she went back to Piemacher’s Pasties and saw that Piemacher was beating the urchin. So Willow stormed in and told him off, and then she took a bite out of one of the pies and said that it wasn’t a proper halfling pie.

Then she got some herbs out of her pocket and added that to some meat, and got Piemacher to taste it and he agreed that it was much better than his. And so she wrote down all the ingredients for him. He wasn’t sure he could afford the expense of adding lots of herbs to his pies, but Willow explained you can just go out and pick them. And before she left she told the urchin that next time he wanted a pie he had to clean all Piemacher’s windows again.

Then she went to Schwarz’s coopers and pretended to be interested in buying a brandy barrel. Luckily, Schwarz didn’t recognise her from the Blazing Hearth and she was prepared to sell her a barrel like any law abiding innocent barrel seller. But none of this felt very nefarious and so Willow made her way back towards the Square of Martials because she didn’t want to miss Dreamy in the archery tournament.

Back at the Square we were hanging around waiting for the archery to start and we saw a dwarf with half-shaved orange hair, half naked, and covered in tattoos and he was striding across the field like he was deranged and everyone was getting out of his way. He looked like I felt when I was on the Crimson Shade, so I wondered what that was about. I knew there were dwarfs like this, but I had never seen one before, and I wasn’t expecting them to look this manic. And I saw some sisters of Shallya collecting donations, so I gave the a couple of pennies to get Dreamy some good luck.

While Dreamy was registering for the archery, Blume bought us all hot dogs with everything, which was nice of her. But then she suggested I be a target in the archery contest, which wasn’t so nice.

And we got a run down of the rules of the archery competition. I think everyone gets three shots at the target, which isn’t very many, and the one with the best score each day gets a silver medallion, and then the one with the best score over the full three days of the tournament gets a gold one.

The most you can get with a single arrow is one hundred points, and when Dreamy stepped up someone had already scored 280 points, which is two bulls and a nearly bull. We all had high hopes for Dreamy because he’s really good at shooting, but his first arrow scored 60 points so that was a bit disappointing. But actually his next two scores were bulls so he scored 260 points, which put him in second place for the day, so that was really good, and I think he still has a good chance of the gold medallion.

And we wondered who was winning the competition, and it turned out that it was an elf (to be honest, mum, I don’t think they should let elves in a competition like that). And we saw in one of the beer tents there was an elf dressed like a hunter, and so Dreamy went over to him to congratulate him on his shooting. And the elf was polite enough to congratulate Dreamy on his shooting, too, while doing a flouncy elven bow.

I know they say a lot of things about elves, but this one seemed quite normal, although he was very good looking. Blume said he was the most gorgeous creature she had ever seen. It was a bit confusing, really, as he looked quite a lot like Posey Brambleberry, and everyone says Posey Brambleberry is the prettiest girl in Sauerapfel.

His name was Allavandrel Fanmaris and he told Dreamy he was the master of the hunt for the Graf. And they had a chat about being master of the hunt and Dreamy told him about being in the Fighting Cocks, and Fanmaris bought Dreamy a drink. And he made Dreamy guess how old he was, and I think Dreamy guessed 82 and he was 101, or the other way around. He looked quite good for whichever way round it was, though.

Dreamy was getting on very well with him, and after a while he introduced us all to Fanmaris and Fanmaris bought us all a drink. Blume dropped her scarf for attention, and Fanmaris managed to clutch it from the air and present it back to her without it even hitting the ground.

I think we were all a bit too eager to talk to him, though, and we asked him a lot of elf-centric questions, which was probably a bit rude, but he seemed to take them in good grace. He didn’t even mind when I asked him if he eats babies (they do say that elves eat babies, don’t they mum). I think he said he quite liked halflings because his housekeeper is one. And he said it was Cordelia Greenhill, who we worked out is related to Silas Greenhill at the Blazing Hearth. And then he bought another drink. He was certainly drinking an awful lot, and elves don’t really look like they can take their ale like a dwarf but he seemed to be able to.

We asked Fanmaris what the graf was like and he said he was a good man but had taken ill recently. He said he had been ill ever since his wife died. She was Anike-Elise and had died very suddenly from a mysterious illness, and even since then the graf had not been doing so well.

I told Fanmaris that he should tell the graf to get back in the saddle, and that had worked wonders for Joseph Clover who lost his wife and got married again on the same day. But I don’t think he will be passing on that bit of advice.

Guido whispered to Blume that this would be gold for her pamphlet, and Blume’s eyes lit up at the prospect of publishing this juicy gossip, but they darkened again when she realised that she would actually have to do some work to get this all written up.

Fanmaris said with the graf so poorly, the running of Middenheim was now in the hands of the Law Lords, the Chancellor and various priests. He said that the graf’s champion also had his ear, and I think he probably meant Dieter. Fanmaris had another drink and told us the three Law Lords were called Ehrlich, Hoflich, and Wasmeier.

He also told us the Chancellor was called Josef Sparsam, and he said that he was not a bad fellow, but a bit shy, and that Fanmaris had saved him from some embarrassment in the past, but he didn’t say what. I think Fanmaris was getting affected by all the drink by now because it felt like he was getting increasingly indiscreet. I noticed it, and I’m a halfling.

We asked about the new tax laws and who had been responsible for them and Fanmaris said it was probably the Law Lords or Sparsam. He said that he agreed in spirit with the dwarf taxes but he had to admit that they were divisive and they occurred at a difficult time, just when the graf was least vital.

Then Blume spoke up for the taxes, but she just regurgitated everything she had read in Annette Schwarz’s pamphlet. She said it was important to keep the money in Middenheim to get everyone wealthy (I think wealth is the love of friends and family you have around you – Willow).

Then Guido got a bit annoyed at Blume for talking politics. I think he had been matching Fanmaris’ drinking, but couldn’t hold his drink as well as the elf, and was a bit too loud when he admonished Blume. He told her she was the body double of a dead witch, which is kind of true, but not very fair.

And then Blume told Guido he was just annoyed coz Myrmy went off with another man, or something. Then Guido said that wasn’t true, but he had been endowed by Sigmar, and then he insisted everyone look at his sword, and he started swinging it about in the tent telling everyone how big his weapon was.

Then Fanmaris tried to calm everything down by saying it was wine and pie time. I’ll tell you in my next letter mum whether we have wine and pies, or that was just Fanmaris trying to smooth things over between Blume and Guido. I’ll also tell you about the minotaur fight, if we go to that one.