62: Willow’s Letter

Good afternoon Mrs Chard and Haricot’s many siblin’s,

Please do not worry that I am writin’ this letter instead of Harry, its just that I know he likes to write to you every day and he wouldn’t have forgiven himself if he’d forgotten. He didn’t forget, but I think since he was left to his own devices, and he decided to try every eatin’ competition available, he got the ol’ food coma. I think he feels a bit restless in the big cities and bein’ away from the water, but at least he’s got a full belly. I will however give you an account of the activities that the rest of us got up to.

Big Bloomer were feelin’ a bit of guilt about tellin’ the purple gloved Pavarotti all about everythin’ that she has offered us all to stay in her room tonight. Which is very nice of her, but I’m writin’ all of this down to provide an accurate account and so she can’t retract her promise. If you ask me, she is showin’ signs of bein’ a textbook narcissist, but I’ll keep observin’ before I draw any conclusions on the nature of her habits.

Now if you can remember from Harry’s last letter, Dreamy drew with Allavandrel that elf in today’s archery competition. Dreamy is the best cousin ever, and I am so so proud of him, he’s the rootinest tootinest archer in the whole of Reikland and I bet he were the comb of the fightin’ cocks! Just the same as yesterday Allavandrel wanted to get some drinks from the nearby tent which everyone was referrin’ to as the Après bow where we then bumped into Guido.

Guido were lookin’ in good spirits if not a little tired from spendin’ the majority of yesterday evenin’ with those military fellers. I’d prescribe him a good night’s rest if he listened to me, but I also reckon Big’s never sleep good because they sleep lonely and cold. To be fair I think we could all do with a bit of a rest, I think life outside of the Moot has a lot of rushin’ about. If I had it my way we’d be back in Barkshire by the rainy season, so we’re there when the rivers swell and we could play Moot sticks. You remember? When we float on our backs and first one to get to Winnie’s Weir would win!

As the others were catchin’ Guido up on the mornin’s activities, I were thinkin’ about the two things I wanted to do today 1. Go find the dwarf that were walkin’ around lookin’ like he had eaten a boat load of fuggleweed cookies to make sure he were alright before fightin’ the minotaur and 2. Go to the botanical gardens. I can tell you right now, I managed to achieve neither of those things. Though we did go to the Bernabau stadium to witness the minotaur fight.

Bloomer was sayin’ some of her usual tosh about nobles not bein’ supposed to lose any fights, never mind minotaur fights, simply just because they’re nobles. I don’t know how she missed the fact that minotaurs are massive and stronger than both a goat and a man combined, or if she just ignores facts that she don’t like. I don’t like the fact that sloe berries are only tasty after the first frost, but I do accept it.

At the Bernabau stadium, Guido joined me in the medic area, as he’s got some knowledge about healin’ too, he wanted to come down and have a chat to the other medics. He found out however, that they weren’t actually medics at all but just game day stewards who had no trainin’ beyond how to drag a body off the area floor. This would explain yesterday.

Turns out it weren’t the dwarf who were fightin’ today but a young lad called Gustav. He had signed up to fight the minotaurs last night after one too many drinks and the confidence he had the night before had gone. We had gone up to speak to him, to give him a once over and check that he were fightin’ fit and in the right mind, but he were more nervous than a first year lamb gone for shearin’. We asked if he were allowed to back out of the fight, so he went to ask the officials. He came back sayin’ that they had allowed a compromise in that he won’t have to fight the minotaur but he did have to fight one of the littler beast things. With this news, I offered him ‘enbell to make him painless on the chance it would help, but the only problem is, if it don’t make you painless it makes you fall asleep, so he didn’t want that. So I offered him some juck to make the beast itchy but said it took a few minutes to work so he said that that probably wouldn’t work either.

Guido left us chattin’ to go the backstage area of the arena. As he left I handed the rest of my glowin’ mushrooms to Guido in the hopes he would feed them to the beasts to help save Gustav by causin’ them to be violently vomit instead of either one endin’ up dead. He told us he walked past lots of the huffin’ beasts, churnin’ the dirt with their hooves in their cages. One day I’d like to study them and see if they have ghosts too! Towards the back Guido came across a figure wearin’ wolf pictures and symbols of Middenheim. This man said “night eternal friend” or somethin’, which I think is nice, despite it bein’ the middle of the day. The man continued talkin’ about the long virtuous history protectin’ the city from the ruinous powers 25 hours a day, 9 days a week and it bein’ his sacred duty to end it. He also said that his plate mail was enchanted by wizards. I think it sounds like he’s straight from a story book. Guido informed him that ruinous powers had already entered the city and a vaguely mentioned our pursuit of a cult. Guido said they should find a private place to discuss the story in further detail, but the knight had already turned on his heel statin’ that he were goin’ straight to the Graf with this news. Guido tried to stop him, however, the knight then accused of him of bein’ in the cult himself if he didn’t let him go.

Guido said the city was fucked if it was bein’ protected by nitwits such as this. (Apologies for the language Mrs Chard, but this is verbatim).

Allavandrel standin’ at an ale tent had seen Guido’s encounter and resultin’ quizzical face. He made a gesture at Guido indicatin’ that the knight is a bit of a loony and said that the knight is named Siegfried Prunkvoll and that a soothsayer had made up some prophecy of a guardian knight to get his unemployable son a job. So turns out he doesn’t actually have the ear of the graf, is actually a bit of a jobsworth and doesn’t actually have a suit of magic armour.

Allavandrel joked that we should have told Siegfried that the minotaur had nefarious plans for the city and Siegfried would happily have taken Gustav’s place.

Guido then went into the ale tent and bought a wurst, which he ate, and then an uncooked one for the same price, which he didn’t. He did instead shove the glowin’ mushrooms in the sausage and then threw into the cage of one of the beasts. The creature, gettin’ a wet wurst to the face looked perplexed at first, bein’ happy at havin’ a sausage and then angry at gettin’ somethin’ lobbed at it. It started bellowin’ and beatin’ the bars until nearby handlers came and poked it into submission. Unfortunately, they mentioned that this beast weren’t even fightin’ today so it got a poorly tummy for no reason. Gustav did however win his fight against a number of the beasts so that’s a positive, though the crowd were disappointed it weren’t the minotaur.

We then decided to head to the matinee of bards and poets, where people were competin’ for the graf’s cup! Apparently, it can get just as lively as the archery and fightin’ competitions though far fewer are interested in it, I guess because no one physically gets hurt, but I prefer it. Bloomer moved away from me when I voiced this opinion. We listened to a poem called “One Eyed Fellow Hidin’ to the north of Kammendun” whilst perusin’ the drinks and food tents.

As people were singin’ songs I asked if anyone knew “Cauliflowers Fluffy” and a voice spoke up “I do!” so I turned around and saw a ‘eavily built man with a red face which is usually a result of too much drinkin’ and too much food. It was Luigi Pavarotti. To try and find out if he were actually a cult member, I decided to ask him if the beetroot were the purpliest he’d ever seen, and he responded “yes”. The investigation continues… Whatever the result he does have a good voice though. It were boomin’ like thunder and so deep I reckon only badgers can hear the full range of it. People started to turn to face him, but they weren’t mad and listened in. Guido introduced himself and started drinkin’ with him, raisin’ his glass to Estalia and their neighbours Tilea.

To be honest, I don’t know if he’s all bad, but Bloomer thinks that even if he’s not in a cult he’s still awful due to his taste in glove colours. She decided to shrink in the crowd and ignore him, hopin’ that if we spoke to him enough, she would no longer be blamed for tellin’ a potential cultist everythin’ about us and where we live. Bloomer decided she would then look for some gossip but didn’t manage to earwig and blamed us for talkin’ too loudly with loud talkin’ Luigi.

Luigi offered to buy us all a drink and managed to recognise Bloom despite her skulkin’. Guido and Luigi first began talkin’ about Bloomer...and her quirks. They then started talkin’ about science, Guido very kindly asked Luigi if he had any medical books of the autopsy research carried out which resulted in many medical advancements in Tilea, which was kind, but I also overheard somethin’ about me not lookin’ like a physician but more like a cabbage. Durin’ their talks Guido was droppin’ hints and tuggin’ bits of his face, but I don’t think Luigi noticed. They then spoke of Allavandrel and Luigi said that the elf displays signs of melancholy when hungover - I don’t think that’s a particularly evolutionary observation. We then said that he was right nice actually and Luigi shouldn’t believe that all elves are hoity toity as he surely wasn’t. Luigi seemed pleased with this as he had wanted to get acquainted with him. Luigi then redirected the conversation to me, and we talked about our research. He is studyin’ the relationship between the conscious and unconscious mind which sounds like how I am lookin’ into the ‘ealth of the soul and mental state and its physical manifestations.

We’ve agreed to compare notes tomorrow late mornin’ (I’m to bring a book on herbalism) at the palace and I managed to get the whole gang invited. He then asked about Bloomers gallopin’ trots (her excuse to leave him yesterday) and asked what I had prescribed her. I mentioned Ladies Mantle and he yelled across the crowd “I’m pleased your stools are firmin’ up!”. This caused Bloomer to go bright red, stop ignorin’ him and come over to talk to him.

Bloomer also tried ‘signs at him, lickin’ her finger to smooth her eyebrows or somethin’ and tuggin’ her ear sayin’ she had lost one of her earrings. Luigi informed her that it had actually looked like she had lost both. As the second round of hintin’ and gestures were obviously not workin’ Bloomer then started to tell him that purple was no longer in season and should be avoided at all costs, but Luigi simply responded that he just likes the colour. Redirectin’ the conversation again, we discussed Luigi’s treatment of the Graf’s son Stefan, who slowly seems to be showin’ signs of improvement to the Graf’s relief.

Rallane Lafarel then appeared on the stage of the Colleges of Music, and received lots of praise from the crowd. He jumped off and started walking in our direction so I intercepted him and asked about his relationship with Allavandrel. Turns out they’re not actually cousins and not even related! I tried to make small talk about he came to Middenheim and how he became the court bard but he quickly left for the beer tent. Looks like I’ve still got work to do on my bed side manner.

Don’t fret Mrs Chard, I’m sure Harry will write to you tomorrow, well dictate and I’ll write.

Good night eternal friends!