101: The Prince

Hello, mum. Even though I was very tired I didn’t get much sleep again. I kept thinking about upside-down world and all that stuff. I think that there is a rat-halfling in upside-down world who was sleeping very soundly and not dreaming about me at all. And when I got up, I just dropped a load of fey-eyes, because Pavarotti’s wellness regime wasn’t doing it.

Over breakfast Blume didn’t even mention the rat man we had left in her bathtub, and then we took it to Schutzmann’s. Guido didn’t even turn up. I expect he was looking for his sword.

Fred gave a detailed report about what we had found at Wyndhund Haulage but he left out the bit about the wolf. And he left out the bit with the blue daemon thing, because he hadn’t even seen that. In fact I didn’t even realise he’d left it out, because I hadn’t seen it either.

And Vinny showed Schutzmann all the papers and books she had confiscated from the warehouse. I think he was a bit worried about the Big Cheese finding out that he was involved.

And I told Schutzmann all about the upside-down city and the rat-schutzmann who had a team of dedicated investigators called RATTY (Rats against this thing, yeah?) who were trying to investigate us. But I’m not sure he believed me.

And we talked about who this prince in the letter might be. I said I didn’t think it was a real prince, but just someone’s nickname. We mentioned the Crown Prince Wolfgang who was in Castle Reiksguard, who we had heard was a werewolf, but Schutzmann said he didn’t know anything about that as it was too far from Middenheim.

Schutzmann said that he could see we were all a bit beat-up and weary (I wasn’t, mum, but I was on the fey-eyes) and said we could probably do with a rest and so we should just take it easy for the day and see if we could work out who the prince was.

So Fred went off to get his mail shirt repaired. Apparently the quartermaster of the watch wouldn’t let him get new mail or repair his old stuff because he was a bit of a dick. And Fred talked Blume into putting her (our?) money into a bank. I’m not sure whether that was because he was worried Vinny might find it at Hausnung and we would never see him again.

On the way to the bank they noticed a lot of flyers posted around that were advertising a public autopsy:

A Publicke Demonstration by Professor Eunice Hasche, revealing the Anatomie of two recently acquired examples of a Species hitherto UNKNOWN To SCIENCE – Rattus Homunculus free to All of A cUrioUS diSpoSition At the Theatre of Anatomy, the Collegium Theologica. Doors open at noon on Festag

And Blume knew that Rattus Humunculus was Classical for rat man, so that made them wonder. The demonstration was scheduled for two day’s time, and we decided we should try to go.

I decided to go to the upside-down world, mum, and talk to the king of the frogs, to see if he had a son, and also Raina Mues. I think everyone was a bit concerned about me going down into the upside-down world alone, but they needn’t have worried because I wasn’t even allowed into the sewers.

The desk watchman said that I had been signed off work and I shouldn't even be there, and when I told him about upside-down world, that didn’t change his mind. So I waited around for ages for Raina to finish her shift. And I asked her what would happen when the world turns upside down, which she likes to hear, and I told her about us finding the rat men at the staging post and rescuing the prisoner, and she seemed interested.

But then I told her all abut the upside-down world, too, and she just gave me another week off work, and told me to leave the premises. And so I told her that that meant in the upside-down world a rat sergeant was telling a rat jack to do an extra weeks work, but she didn’t change her mind.

Meanwhile Fred and Blume managed to deposit eighty crowns at the bank And then they went round some of the watch houses asking about missing people. They got the impression there were loads of missing people all the time, but most of them were never reported, and even fewer were ever found.

Vinny spoke to some of his lady friends (he’s the top shagger, mum) and spoke to them about missing people and mentioned Sandra who was the zombie creature that he had recognised at Wyndhund Haulage. And I don’t know whether he explained it really badly, or if he was a bit too defensive, or what, mum, but they seemed to get the impression that he had killed her, and he had to pay them most of the money he’d made on the silks to shut them up.

One of the ladies said she heard someone saying about how his friend Andreas had gone missing near Wyndhund, and then he saw him again a few nights later in some alley nearby and all he did was shuffle a bit and moan, and so he ran away. But that sounded a bit like Sandra, too.

And he asked about whether any of the low kings had any low princes, but I think they agreed the criminal underworld didn’t really function as a hereditary monarchy, despite their names.

And Vinny asked about Alfric Half-nose and whether he might be a good person to ask about a prince, and one of them said that there was a character called Josef who seemed to do the same thing for the upper classes as Alfric did for the criminal ones. So Vinny decided he should try to track Josef down.

Meanwhile, Blume decided to see what the Knight Eternal had to say and took Fred to see him. He answered the door in full harness, again, and invited them in. Blume told him that he was obliged to help us or she would tell his boss, meaning the city of middenheim, and waved her KITUM badge around like it might impress him (but I don’t think it did). And she told him that they used to be friends and he had hurt her feelings by the way he testified against us at the hearing.

And then Fred took over and asked him about the various princes, and he went through a list of them. And then he talked about how the graf’s son, Baron Heinrich, was on a peacekeeping mission to Ostland where there were claims that Crown Prince Hergard von Tasseninck of Ostland was slain due to the machinations of the von Krieglitz family of Talabecland. And it looked like the two provinces might go to war. But the Knight Eternal said that perhaps Gustav von Krieglitz, the count of Talabecland, had only made that rumour to instigate war, or something.

I didn’t really understand it, mum, when they explained it to me, and it all sounded a bit silly, compared to my theory about the frog prince. Anyway, von Tasseninck was certainly a prince and it certainly would have happened before little Reya was kidnapped, so it would be consistent with that note.

And Vinny went to the temple of Morr but I don’t think they keep very good records, and they didn’t have anything to say about a prince. Vinny suggested they should go down and check out Wyndhund Haulage at night, but I think they have their hands full dealing with the dead dead, without worrying about the living dead.

And thinking about the gap-toothed people he asked about any deceased with teeth missing and they said that there were lots of them. And Vinny thought he might be on the right track until he realised he was gap-toothed, and so was just about everyone he knew.

Then we all met up at the Templar’s and had lunch and Vinny was having a few drinks. He said he was worried about having to talk to Alfric, because he was a bit of a dick, so I said I would go because we were old workmates (I only went around with him for one shift, mum, but that kind of made us workmates, and it cheered Vinny up).

We managed to find Alfric and Vinny offered him a few shillings if he would fix us a meeting with Josef. And Alfric said that he would do it for free, but we would owe him a favour. And we agreed.

And Alfric told Vinny that the big Cheese was after him after his men had confronted us at the Blazing Hearth. And Vinny said they couldn’t have recognised him as he was hiding behind a menu. And I think Vinny gave himself away there, because Alfric said, ‘it was you, then,’ and Vinny denied it, but had just admitted that he was there. So Vinny decided he was as good as dead, and we went back to the Templar’s to drown his sorrows.

Vinny told us it wasn’t just him who was in trouble, but all of us, and so Blume got worried about her house. Fred gave her some practical crime prevention advice about securing Hausnung, and we talked about how the watch might protect us. But Vinny said the biggest criminal gang in the entire city was the watch. And I don’t think Fred liked that but he made allowances because Vinny was just being frightened.

And I told Blume about the frog king and she said I was losing my mind, but I’m not. And after a bit of a drink we headed back to Blume’s for some sleep. But, on the way, we felt some people following us and heard some strange muttering sounds.

We turned to see a band of well-dressed people. One was bald and chubby and had a very expensive outfit with lots of slashes. And there was a woman with him who was very thin and looked like she might be on the fey-eyes, or something, as well. And there were four posh yahoos with them. And they were wearing predominantly green.

And the chubby one was reading some gibberish from a scroll and when he had finished it went up in magical flames. And I was suddenly struck by the terrible idea that I’ve been travelling the Empire for no real reason, and that being in Middenheim was pointless.

And then I had the idea that I might not even be real but a figment in the imagination of a shared story on another planet being made to jump though hoops by an ostensibly neutral but actually antagonistic referee based on an original plot written about forty years before. And I think everyone else sort of felt the same about everything. Even Blume.

Vinny said that he had never had a shag in his life, but I think that must have been the spell talking and I don’t think it’s true because he’s the top shagger. But anyway, no one was really in the mood to do anything.

And the chubby man, who seemed quite pleasant and friendly, despite casting that spell at us, asked us where Gotthard was. We guessed he might mean Gotthard Wallenstein, who was Wittgenstein, and who had five-timed Blume at that restaurant a week or so ago. I felt like I really wanted to tell him the answer, and so did everyone else, but none of us knew where he was, and Vinny and Fred didn’t even know who he was.

And then one of the yahoos slapped Blume and demanded she tell him, even though she couldn’t. And so I slapped him back, which was more of an effort than it should have been. And Fred managed to draw his sword and he stabbed the bloke in his arm. And then he called for the watch. I think he was even more upset about the man slapping Blume than I was. But then the other three, who seemed like they were nobs on a night out, waded in and drew their blades. And all this time the fat one kept asking us where Gotthard was, over and over again.

The thin woman whipped out a huge flail and started swinging that about. She went for Fred, who managed to dodge out the way, and another one tried to stab him, and he got out the way of that, too. Blume shouted that we hadn’t seen Gotthard since the trial and Vinny shouted that he didn’t even know who Gotthard was.

But then I had the idea, that as things were so rubbish, and the fight was probably pointless anyway, that Willow’s urchins would have a good idea where Wallenstein was, especially if they ere still following him. So I told the chubby bloke to go to Hartpetal Hospital and ask about him there. He seemed content with my answer and walked off, calling his retinue to come with him.

But they were having too much fun, and one of them stabbed Vinny who fell to the ground, and another one attacked Blume and she fell, too. Fred finished off the one he had been fighting. One attacked me, but I managed to get out of the way, and I stood up to them and told them to be off as seriously as I could, and I think that did the trick (or it may have been Fred killing their mate), because they ran off after their chubby leader.

Fred lifted up Blume and I had to lift Vinny, and we began carrying them to Hausnung. It was lucky we weren't far from Blume’s because Vinny was heavier than he looks and it all felt a bit stupid and pointless anyway.

And Fred had wrenched his back in the fight, and now had to carry Blume so that was difficult. He said that he might have to go to Hartpetal Hospital to get it seen to. And it occurred to me that we might have to go there just to make sure Willow was alright. So I think we will think about doing that first thing in the morning, mum, if Vinny and Blume ever wake up.