2: Altdorf

Dear Mum, et al, hope you’re all well. We are writing this on the boat to Boegenhafen. (Hello, Mrs. Chard, how are you? This is Willow. I was feeling a bit boat sick, so that is why my writing might not be too neat, but I’ve had a bit of a smoke and am feeling much better.) Why are we on our way to Boegenhafen? While my fellow travellers had good reason to head to Altdorf, I was just going there in the hope that something might turn up, and it did.

Anyway, my last letter left us on the road to Altdorf, after that terrible fright we had with the mutants. It was not long until a patrol of road wardens arrived. These were proper wardens. They all had big horses and bright blue uniforms and some of them had pistols. This wasn’t like a bunch of Halflings sat around on a barge eating pies and hoping a smuggler goes by.

They soon had the site under control and then they got us to carry the bodies of the victims into the other coach. Then they hooked up some horses up to it so it could be driven. We were very careful to keep the face of Kastelle Lieberung hidden, when we moved her body, but one of the wardens did notice the similarity between her and Blume. Blume said it was a distant cousin of hers and the road warden believed her. They interviewed each of us privately about what had happened and made us sign our statements, which was pretty useless to those of us who couldn’t read. I could have been signing anything, but I trusted the professionalism and integrity of the boys in blue.

Unfortunately, they made Willow give back the ring and locket that she had been keeping safe for the deceased. Blume tried to explain to the wardens that the ring belonged to her, but Willow was too honest, I think, to realise that was a big ruse to get the ring. I kicked her in the shin (my shin still hurts a bit - W) to get her to realise, but then Dreamy slapped me around the head, coz he’s always looking after her.

Anyway, Blume had managed to keep hold of the Blunderbuss. That didn’t seem fair as I found it at the same time she did, and she only got it because she is bigger than me. And she refuses to fire it or let me or Brandy fire it.

Then they made us put our hats back in their boxes for the Lady Isolde even though we explained we were only borrowing them while it was raining because she was inside in the dry, and for the rest of our journey, in case it rained again.

We all got back on the coach and our coachmen were able to drive us to the Seven Spokes inn which would be our last stop before Altdorf. Willow got the coachman who had been injured to fill in her feedback form, whatever that is, to say how well she had treated his wound. I don’t think he was that impressed with her.

Blume wasn’t very talkative on the journey. We tried to cheer her up but she may have been upset about the mutants, and things. Willow tried to give her a smoke of her special Fuggleweed mixture but she didn’t want that either. She may have been put off a bit by Willow’s yellow teeth. And Brandy tried to get her to tell him about her father’s business. Apparently, he went to the Spice Islands to get some spices and when he gets back he will be rich, even though he was rich before he went.

Brandy asked about the business and likened it to a big pie and he wondered if there were any secret ingredients beneath the crust. I’m not a businessperson but I think he was trying to suggest that Blume’s father had a lot of illicit dealings under the surface and didn’t pay proper tax (which, to be fair, no one ever should). Blume insisted that her father dealt only in spicy pancakes, which I didn’t understand, but I think Brandy probably did. Anyway, I think she must have got a bit tired, because she faced the other way and refused to say another word to us for the rest of the journey.

Brandy asked Willow to write things down for him, too. He wanted to record all the things wrong with the Empire so he could write a manifesto for the Halfling Independence Party. I think he has ‘mutants’ and ‘insults’, so far. But I have a feeling Willow is going to be very busy. Willow agreed as long as brandy filled in her feedback form. I think it’s something to do with her herbalist exams.

Then we had a good chat about Blume, in Mootish so she couldn’t understand us. She had snatched all the papers that Willow had found about Boegenhafen and Lieberung and told her off for getting them dirty, so Blume held all the cards. But we thought that as she had no friends and very little chance of making any, if we just stuck with her, she’d have little choice but to share the inheritance with us. And as she needed us to fund her journey to Boegenhafen we felt we could demand half of the money.

When we got our rations out, Blume decided she was hungry too, so Willow said she would share hers with Blume in exchange for a joke. I’m not sure Blume is much for joking, but she said that Willow did not need to fear success as she had nothing to worry about. I’m not sure that’s as funny as someone slipping on a cow pat and landing in a wasp’s nest, but it is the sort of insult joke that bigs seem to like. In return Willow asked what the white beetroot said to the red beetroot, ‘Stop holding your breath.’ Which is a proper joke as it includes talking food.

Later on our journey, a whole platoon of pistoliers rode by with all their armour and guns. I resolved there and then to be just like that. Maybe not the horse bit, but the pistols bit. I decided I would get three pistols or die trying.

Remarkably, despite everything that happened, we managed to reach the Seven Spokes inn in time for supper, which is the most important thing. In the inn Blume tried to convince the coachmen to let her travel, the next day, on the inside of the coach, but they insisted that unless she had an inside ticket she would have to travel on the outside with the rest of us. Then she went to buy us our meal and drinks and collected the money from us.

I got a bit confused about this whole deal, but I think Blume tried to charge us more money for our ale than it normally cost, but she ended up charging us less for our meal, and so she paid the right amount of money, even though when we found out she had to apologise for over charging us for the ale and then we apologised to her for being undercharged for the pie, or something. It all got very complicated, but I think we all ended up with the correct amount of money and the correct amount of food and ale, which proves two wrongs can make a right. Things are certainly a lot simpler in the mootland.

In any case, Willow still had al the money that she had borrowed from the deceased coach riders, and Dreamy took it off her hands and promised to use it to pay for our food and board whenever we might need it. He’s really good at sums.

Then we all wondered what we would do with all the money we were going to get from Blume’s inheritance. I am going to buy some guns. Brandy said he would tour the world and get some Estalian chorizo. Dreamy said he would go back to the Mootland and tend to his garden, and Willow said she would open a big shop of herbs and she would plant a money tree in Dreamy’s garden. And then we said our prayers to Esmerelda and went to bed. And we didn’t even ask Blume to sleep with us.

In the morning we had to wait for our coachmen again. I suppose as one had been badly injured by the hand-eating mutant they had more of an excuse this morning. Willow made a nice cup of herbal tea, and went up with Brandy to find them. Willow gave one of the coachmen her tea, and he promptly poured some spirits into it from his flask, which upset her. But at least they agreed to come down and drive the coach.

And we were off again on the final leg of our trip to Altdorf.  Willow asked the coachmen what they gained form drinking so much and whether they were trying to fill a hole in their lives. Which certainly made me think about my life for a moment, but then I concluded getting drunk was fun. The coachman explained that coaching was a life of long periods of boredom and a few moments filled with terror. Which made sense. A bit like the life of a Mootland river warden, many years of sitting around watching the river Aver flow by, and a few moments filled with smuggled cheese.

Eventually we spotted the gleaming white walls of the city and we passed through its great gates. It seemed to take us ages to get through the streets which were filled with all manner of people rushing here and there and getting on with their busy Altdorf lives. Eventually the coach stopped in Koenigsplatz and we had made it.

We arranged that if any of us got lost we would meet up at the fog light in Koenigplatz as soon as we could. As well as the chaos and bustle of the great city we couldn’t help feeling there was a tension in the air, like the place wasn’t at ease with itself and the people were on edge. Scuffles and arguments broke out at the drop of a hat and it certainly wasn’t anything like the Mootland, not even Sauerapfel.

Everyone paused form their day to watch a procession go past. There were hundreds or immaculately turned out soldiers many with gleaming  hand guns, and then on a huge black steed came the great figure of the Emperor Karl Franz himself. So I have now seen the major of Sauerapfel and the Emperor. I checked out Brandy’s reaction because I knew he didn’t like all the big pompous stuff but even he was looking impressed.

And when the procession had gone, we wondered what to do next. None of us knew where Boegenhafen was, and I think everyone had a few things they needed to do in Altdorf, anyway. Brandy was wondering where he might find the mysterious people he had to meet and we were all wondering where Haffenstadt was but didn’t want to ask for directions.

Then Blume noticed a couple of figures who were looking at her intently. She wondered why, and one of them stuffed his finger in his ear in a very deliberate way. I noticed this, too, and asked her about it. She said she didn’t know who they were but she didn’t like them staring at her. She asked Brandy whether this was some sort of sign his gang members might do, but he said it wasn’t. I suggested that maybe he had a spider stuck in his ear and told everyone about the time Aunt Brenda got one stuck in hers. That was an exciting story.

After a bit more ear-fingering the two figures seemed to have their attention caught by someone else, and they wandered over to him, and he seemed to invite them inside a building, and they disappeared. Blume wondered whether she should knock and see what they had wanted or whether that would be rude. And eventually she got Brandy to go with her. Brandy knocked on the door and then hid, but no one answered.

So we decided to go to Haffenstadt. We wondered about bringing Blume with us, especially to places like the Cock of the North, which was a rough halfling soldier tavern Dreamy knew about, but decided as she was so short for a big we could try to pass her off as one of Big Beanie’s daughters.

And just then I heard someone call my name. This was a bit of a shock because I didn’t know a soul this side of the Stir. But it was Josef Quartjin. I think I’ve probably mentioned him before, mum. He was a boatman who we saw a lot on the Aver when I was in the river wardens and he was always nice to us Halflings. He shipped a lot of Averheim wines up to Altdorf.

I probably told you about the time that we were looking out for wreckers, and Josef came along on his boat and was standing on the bow when he lit his pipe. And we all thought the light was a wrecking light, and so we boarded his boat, and all piled on, and beat him black and blue. We’ve often had a jolly good laugh about that since. Anyway, he isn’t one to hold grudges, and he was always ready with a bottle of wine for us river wardens whenever we bumped into him.

Josef invited us to the Boatman inn, and we walked down the famous Street of a Hundred Taverns to get there. It was very busy. On the way there, however, Willow had a bit of a strange one. I will let her tell you.

Hello, Mrs Chard, my hand’s getting a bit tired with all this writing, hope you are well. When we were going along the Street of a Hundred Taverns, I saw a skinny, wild looking person who was entertaining a group of locals with something or other, but he suddenly locked eyes with me and said the following in a portentous tone.

‘I see Darkness Gathering as the Last House of Joy Falls - beware, for Shadows Over Bögenhafen stir! Then Beloved Morr, resplendent in Vestments of Green, stands astride Sigmar’s Great River. Yea, I see Death on the Reik and I despair! For then the Stained Hand guides the Once Mighty Lord, and this Power Behind the Throne curses us all. Lo, the Horned Rat then claims the Broken King atop his Throne of Lies, and the White Walls Fall, leaving our Empire in Ruins! Tremble in fear, ye mighty, for the End Times have come.’

At the end I said hello and he said hello back, but I was already lagging behind the rest of them a bit, so ran to catch up.

It certainly sounds portentous. But so does old mother Primrose when she reads the tea leaves. Anyway, mum, Brandy asked me what sort of person this Josef was and whether his business was entirely honest. I don’t think he is a smuggler, but I don’t think everyone always obeys all the rules. I am not sure what brandy wanted to hear, though. I think he might be on the lookout for people who are more dishonest than that.

In the Boatman, Josef bought us all a bottle of wine, which was very nice of him. He explained that he was off to Boegenhafen, which was a very unexpected coincidence, as he had to take a shipment of wine to the Schaffenfest there. We wondered what the Schaffenfest was, and so he pulled out a big poster about it.

The Council and Burghers of

Bögenhafen

Announce that the Grand Opening of the annual

Schaffenfest

Will be held on the town meadow this

Mitterfrühl Day

The fair will last for three days throughout the hours of daylight By gracious permission of His Grace Graf Wilhelm von Saponatheim And His Royal Highness Grand Duke Leopold of Middenland A Great Joust Will be held between the Knights and Squires of either household All this in addition to the usual attractions of our famous Livestock Market and the Reikland’s greatest Travelling Fair

Josef said that he had lost his crew and offered me job for two shillings a day, which seemed like a good deal. He also offered everyone else a place on the crew, but he said I could be first mate, which I liked the sound of. I knew something would turn up, and it did.

I thought this might be a good opportunity for Blume to find a husband but I don’t think she was very interested in Josef for some reason. I think Blume wanted to retire for the night, and I explained instead of paying for a room at the inn, if we were crew we could just sleep on the boat. That is one of the best things about working on a boat. Josef said he wanted to set off first thing the next day in order to get to Boegenhafen before the Schaffenfest started, but I think Willow and Brandy had things to do in Altdorf first.

Anyway, mum, I will tell you what happened next, in the next letter. I will warn you now however, it was strange and exciting.