3: The Boatman Inn

Hello, Mrs Chard, this is Willow. Would you please apologise to my mum and gran for me because I was unable to deliver the candlesticks and the letter they asked me to give to Amanita Hardback in Haffenstadt. Harry will explain why. Could you tell them we will do our best to return to Altdorf as soon as we can and deliver them then. Thankyou. I hope you’re well.

Dear Mum, this is my third letter, and we’re no longer in Altdorf. We’re on a canal. But we were in Altdorf. We were at the Boatman inn with Josef Quartjin, who I told you about in my last letter. It started off as a fun evening. Even Big Bloomer joined in a bit. Willow and Dreamy said that they would soon have to go up to Haffenstadt to deliver their gifts and letter to their aunt Amanita, but we were hanging out with Josef because he had offered us all jobs on his boat and bought us all wine.

Brandy said he had to go and see his contacts. He said that they weren’t in Haffenstadt, however, where they should be, but in Sudwand, which Josef said was a bit of a dump. I thought they might be bigs, but Brandy insisted they were Halflings. They were Lowhavens though, Lefra and Ambur, which might explain why they weren’t living among more respectable Halflings. Brandy asked if I would come with him to Sudwand because it sounded a bit dangerous. I would have, but I thought it would be rude to Josef to leave before I had finished his wine.

Then this man came in. He was dressed in black and had a scar on his face and was obviously a bit of a bruiser. It felt like he was well known at the Boatman, and the locals were bit scared of him. He bought a drink and when he sat down, everyone at that table quickly left. Dreamy told Willow to be careful and not to look at him, but that just made her look at him more.

Brandy was cleaning his feet, to be ready for his meeting, and Blume got mad at him for it, again. She seems to have a real thing about feet and I resolved to get a good look at hers so we could work out what her issue is. Brandy was telling her what his gran said about clean feet, ‘every good Halfling has two things, a comfy bed and clean feet, because if you’re not in one, then you’re in the other.’ I remember you saying something similar to me, mum, but I’m not sure it was exactly that.

In any case, Bloomer wasn’t very impressed with Brandy’s feet cleaning and insulted him again and told him she had an ostrich down duvet, and Dreamy wondered ‘Do they what?’ And the conversation got a bit silly. Willow told us that Ostrich eggs contained thirty-six chickens, or something like that, and I guess she would know.

Because Bloomer was so annoyed with us, Willow showed her the candlesticks she had brought for Aunt Amanita and said Bloomer could have one. But Bloomer said she had more expensive candlesticks, anyway, or she would have when her father got back from the spice islands or wherever it was he was. And then she broke one, which was very rude. I think Willow would have got very upset (hello, Mrs Chard, yes, I would have) but then two very large guards walked into the inn followed by two very wealthy looking nobles, and two more bodyguards, and the place sort of fell silent. I don’t think they’re used to having nobles in the Boatman.

I have heard things from bigs about how their nobles behave and how they are not answerable to the common person, but I had never really seen this with my own eyes. These nobles were very obnoxious. They were keen to show everyone that they were better than everyone else and they made fun of the people for being poorer and uglier, than themselves and although it was clear they might not be able to handle themselves in a good punch up, they had the four bodyguards to do that for them.

Poor old Bloomer went over to talk to the nobles because, I think, she fancies herself as a noble, and as far as I’m concerned she comes across as one, too. But these two certainly did not recognise her as one of their own and were quick to make fun of her, calling her a smelly oik. So, she sat back down with us. She might not be the most pleasant person ever, but she’s alright for a big and she does talk to us, so I have to admit I did feel a bit sorry for her.

Then the nobles began playing a strange game where they would down as much as they could of their expansive brandy and then vomit it back up onto an unsuspecting local. This was a terrible game, and no one liked it of course, expect the two nobles. If anyone objected, then the bodyguards scowled at them until they didn’t. So, Bloomer went over to the bruiser, and offered him five pennies (Which I didn’t think was enough money for that sort of thing) to punch one of the nobles, but he told her to get lost.

And, as it seemed like we were bound to do sooner or later, we attracted the nobles’ attention and they came towards us. I think they were intending to pick on willow as she is the smallest and most timid of us, and that is exactly the sort of thing they would do. But then Blume, well done to her, stood up, and told them not to. I could see Josef was about to quieten Blume, but he was too late.

Then the bruiser stood up and told Blume not to talk to the nobles like that. I was scared but Blume said that if her father was here now, then he would be in trouble, but the bruiser said he couldn’t care less, actually he said something very rude that he didn’t give, but I won’t ask Willow to write that here, as I know you don’t like foul language, mum.

He said that Blume’s father was a pig farmer, and blume said ‘he would make chops out of you’ which I thought was pretty clever, but the bruiser just shoved her away. Blume pointed her blunderbuss at him, I knew it wasn’t loaded, but he didn’t. But he just punched her in the face and the gun went flying.

The nobles were enjoying all this and began applauding. They were really annoying me now, but we didn’t really know what to do. Willow was hiding behind Dreamy and then Brandy was hiding behind Willow. Dreamy ducked under the table and tried to tie the bruiser’s shoelaces together, but he just got kicked away. Then Blume pulled out her dagger and tried to stab him in the face, this had me worried for a couple of reasons.

It seems that the lady-like Blume was a bit of a beast, also when the bruiser disarmed her with such ease, it made me fear for her life. I would have thought the man came for a fist fight and would have been content to punch her a few times, but she had already drawn a blunderbuss and a dagger, and I feared he might draw his own weapons.

Now Willow ducked under the table with Dreamy, and Brandy joined them. Willow grabbed a fork from the table and handed it to Brandy, but Brandy handed it straight to Dreamy, and I’m not sure what Dreamy did with it. Brandy tried to trap the bruiser with his sling but that didn’t work and Dreamy headbutted him. And as we say in the Mootland, it’s the low hanging pears that get picked first. In any case I don’t think it did much good.

The nobles and their bodyguards were rapt by the fight, a big bruiser trying to fight a little lady while three frightened halflings attacking his pears from under a table. I imagine this was not your typical Altdorf brawl, but they were enjoying it nonetheless. I took this opportunity to cut the strings of the purse of one of the nobles and felt the heavy clink of gold as it dropped into my hand. Then I sidled off as quickly as I could without arousing suspicion.

Now, I am not a thief, mum. Some Halflings are dedicated cat burglars, cutpurses,  and what have you, and I daresay some of Brandy’s close relations are those sort of people. But in general the halfling reputation for larceny is down to the bigs’ misunderstanding of how our society works and also a bit of victim blaming. They seem to take things from Halflings whenever one of their armies goes by the Mootland, and they tax our goods when we send them to the Empire, and they don’t call that stealing.

But I admit that taking the purse was thievery plain and simple. But I do not apologise for it. The Nobles were so up their own backsides, or as we say in the Mootland, scrumping from their own orchard, that I wanted to teach them a lesson. And that is why, after contemplating my ill-gotten gains for a few days, and wondering how long it would take me to save up to buy a pistol, I eventually handed the three crowns over to Dreamy, so it could contribute to our travel expenses.

Meanwhile the bruiser punched Blume in the face again and I could see she was looking quite badly hurt. But then under the table, Brandy managed to get a good swing on his sling. The stone deflected off of something or other, ricocheted into the bruiser’s face, and knocked him stone dead.

He fell to the floor and everyone in the tavern gasped. Brandy told everyone he didn’t mean it, but it was hard to see how that could have been an accident. Josef told a couple of the clientele to throw the body in the Reik. Someone said the deceased name was Max Ernst, but he didn’t strike me as the sort of person who would have many friends, even for a big. And I don’t think anyone was going to miss him much.

Brandy was looking around for a back entrance to make his escape, but he was already the centre of attention and wouldn’t be making any secret getaway. Blume grabbed Brandy’s hand and Dreamy grabbed Willow’s and we all walked out the front door like we had every right to be doing what we were doing and no one tried to stop us.

And we were soon on our way back to Josef’s boat. Brandy was still insisting that he hadn’t meant it and had only been aiming for the fellow’s knob, but Dreamy called him ‘trickshot’ Lowhaven, which Brandy pretended to dislike but you could see he was secretly proud of himself. And then we started talking about playing Cornhole with bean bags back in the Mootland where you can do proper trick shots without killing anyone.

Just to be on the safe side Josef took us down some dark side alleys. The streets beyond the Street of a Hundred Taverns were a maze but we were walking gently downhill and could hear the noise of the waterfront ahead of us. But Dreamy also heard something behind us. So he stopped and nocked an arrow, and when we were all quiet we could hear footsteps following us.

If this was the watch, that would have been remarkably quick of them, especially compared to the Mootland river wardens, but we were pretty sure whoever they were they were after us because when we stopped, they slowed. I shouted out to tell them I was a river warden, and we saw two figures emerge from the shadows. I think they were the same pair that had signalled to Blume in Koenigsplatz earlier that day. Suddenly one of them fell to the ground and before the other could react he too fell to the ground, dead, a crossbow bolt in his neck.

Bloomer told Brandy and me to check the bodies. But she called me Chard. Which was a bit rude, especially as bigs use family names for servants. I had been warming to Blume, despite her obvious biggishness, but now she was ordering me around like I was her servant.

I think perhaps some of the confusion is that we call her Bloomer. Now, among Halflings, as you know, mum, having a nickname is considered a mark of affection and prestige, think of old man ‘Smelly’ Turnip and ‘Pants’ Thorncobble. But I think Big Bloomer took her nickname as a lack of respect.

In any case, we didn’t find anything on the bodies to help us work out why they had been following us or why they had been crossbowed, but at least we got a bit of cash and a couple of daggers which Dreamy gave to willow and told her they would be good for chopping mushrooms, ‘one knife for the mushrooms you know and one for the mushrooms you don’t’ as they say in the Mootland. But really he gave them to her, I think, because they might come in handy one day for defending herself. Let’s hope that never happens.

And then we hurried off to Josef’s boat, the Berebeli. It was a good craft. Although it was quite old Josef had looked after it and the patched-up bits were probably stronger than the original bits. It was warm and dry and although it was crammed with barrels of wine there was plenty of room for us.

We settled down for the night as best we could, though we were all a bit shook up, of course, because of all the strange things that had been going on in Altdorf. I wondered whether this was a typical night in Altdorf, or we had just been unlucky. We were all looking forward to leaving, even those of us who still had unfinished business here. It seemed strange to travel all the way to Altdorf to deliver a few presents and have a few meetings and have to leave so suddenly without getting any of it done, but I think it was probably for the best.

Willow offered me a bowl of her special pipeweed mix, the hazy stuff, but I refused. It’s too strong for me. I know most halflings are really into their smoking, but Willow is really into her smoking. Really into it.

Even on the safety of the Berebeli Brandy was still upset about the trickshot incident. Dreamy tried to tell him it wasn’t his fault and that sort of thing happens, and we told him that the big was nasty, anyway. But he was still sad. And in the end he went off to sleep on his own, which means he must have been really upset, because who doesn’t want to sleep in the middle of a big pile of halflings (apart from Blume, of course). Another strange thing about bigs, is that when they’re on a boat they sleep in hammocks, which feels like a waste of some good cloth. So we made sure to take down all the hammocks and use them as bedclothes while we slept on the deck. It makes sense.

Willow prepared a cold bottle for Blume to put on her face, because it looked a bit sore, but she just got mad because the bottle wasn’t full of wine. But then Blume found an old sack, and she pretended she was just throwing it away, but she actually threw it onto Brandy to help him keep warm, so I think she was actually quite touched that Brandy had stood up for her and dealt with Ernst, so that was nice of her. For a change. And then she told us how much better her duvet was, and how when her father returned from the spice islands, she’d be able to sleep in a big, expensive, bed. So she spoiled it a bit.

And to relax us a bit before bed, Willow told us a joke about an apple, but it wasn’t very good (Hello Mrs Chard, it was quite good. It was how do you make an apple turnover, and the answer is roll it down a hill – love Willow). And because it was so noisy on the waterfront in Altdorf and we were in such a strange place, Dreamy sent us to sleep by singing an old Cocks’ song about a wizard’s knob so we all fell asleep dreaming about wizards’ knobs.

I got up early (though not as early as Josef) and thought I’d cheer everyone up by making the best breakfast I could. So I got all our best rations together and helped myself to some of Josef’s stores and made a great big breakfast. I made mushroom, roesti, apple, and chive omelettes, like you make, mum.

While I was making breakfast, Josef asked me about why we were so keen to get to Boegenhafen. I started off by making something up, but that didn’t seem very fair, and I felt Josef was a trustworthy sort, so in the end I ended up telling him the whole story about the coach and the hand-eating mutant and the Blume-a-like and the papers promising a large inheritance.

I don’t know why I’m bothering to explain that to you mum, because I’ve already told it all in another letter. But anyway, that’s what I told Josef. He said it sounded too good to be true, and I think he might have a point, but it’s worth checking it out anyway, especially as we’re already on the way to Boegenhafen.

We also discussed how many strange things had been happening to us on our journey. But then I realised it was not really on our whole journey, because the first three quarters of our travels had gone without a hitch or any event of note. It was not until we had been joined by Blume that these weird things had been happening to us. I wondered about his. Could Blume be bad luck, or she could just be one of those people that you meet in taverns sometimes, that wild adventures always seem to happen to?

And as soon as breakfast was done, we set sail and left Altdorf. I have been around boats for a good few years, as a river warden I am used to crewing a boat and so I have picked up quite a few skills. Unfortunately, the rest of our group have not and so as first mate I sensed it was my duty to show everyone the ropes. Before long we had sort of got the hang of sailing the Berebeli. Blume didn’t do any work, of course, and Willow was made look out, and Josef spent some time telling her all the different sorts of boats from the smallest rowing boat to the biggest warship of the Imperial First Fleet. 

We soon met the Weissbruck Canal which was much narrower than the River Reik, but a lot safer. I think we were a bit too big for it, though, as a lot of the other sailors kept shouting at us to get out of the way. The going was quite pleasant, apart from the rain. Blume was being a bit argumentative. As all Halflings know, the most important thing about giving a gift is how much thought you put into thinking of a clever and appropriate gift, and the how much effort you go to to find it or make it. But Blume seemed to think that the most important thing about a present is how much it costs.

And, while I think of it, another strange thing happened. Willow had been wearing a red hat for our entire journey, as far as I remember. I am not much for remembering hats but to the best of my knowledge it was red. But then, it was blue. I am not sure what happened. Willow seemed to think that she must have picked up one of Lady Isolde’s hats instead, when we were borrowing them, and gave her the wrong one back, but I am not so sure.

On our journey we picked up the odd word of wisdom from the people we chatted to. Someone said that the mists on the river boegen are getting worse, and this is bound to mean trouble. Another told us that if we ever saw a crow, we have to take it down and nail it to a crow-post because they are the eyes of the dark gods. I’m not sure about that. I’ve seen loads of crows in the Mootland and I reckon the dark gods aren’t that interested in what goes on down there, thankfully.

On the third day we reached Weissbruck, which is about halfway between Boegenhafen and Altdorf. As we arrived at the town Willow, who had taken her look out duties very seriously, noticed a shadowy travel-stained figure peering at us intently from a doorway. We had never been anywhere near Weissbruck before, so it was strange he was paying so much attention to us. But then, a lot of strange things had been happening to us.

Willow said that my mum wasn’t going to believe all this when we write to her next, and only you will know how true that is, mum. But anyway, I must be going now, but I promise to write soon and tell you if anything else strange happens, whether you believe it or not.