5: The Boegen

Hi mum, grandma, and all the little flowers, it’s me again, just filling you in on what happened after our visit to Weissbruck. And don’t worry, nothing exciting or dangerous happens in this letter. I said things would calm down. (It’s true, Mrs. Chard, we had a relaxing time sailing to Boegenhafen and nothing really happened, so if this letter doesn’t reach you, you won’t be missing anything important - Willow.)

After the thugs had tried to burn our boat I was left on the quayside with Brandy. We were both seriously injured and exhausted from our dip in the river. Brandy was upset and told me he wanted to go straight back to the Mootland. He wanted to forget everything he had to do in the Reikland (I think he’s got quite a long list of people he has to meet) and just go home.

I told him not to worry and that it would be alright, and that something would come up. He told me his grandma always said something would come up, and that she was very wise, and I told him that his grandma probably got it from your mum, mum, grandma, because she was very wise too. Anyway, I think the debate about whose grandma was wisest distracted him, and we went back to the boat ready for a long sleep.

Meanwhile Willow was telling Dreamy how scared she was. She and Brandy make a good pair of scaredy cats. Dreamy told her it was scary but she would be alright with him to look after her and that she had done well to put all the fires out when we’d needed her. So that made her feel a bit better.

We did ask Josef whether this was normal for what went on in the Reikland, and he said it pretty much was. We wondered why they had done it, and a robbery seemed like a good reason, but then we remembered that we had first seen the crossbowman in the Koenigsplatz before we had even bumped into Josef, so that made us think he hadn’t been after Josef, but us instead.

Willow gave the three shillings she had borrowed from the dead thug to Dreamy, and a leather jack that she thought might come in handy especially if we could get a tailor at Schaffenfest to cut it down to size for him. She kept the thug’s club and painted a smiley face and some flowers on it, to give to Elsa to play with. I think the thug ended up being thrown overboard.

Then I remembered that Blume had fired her blunderbuss, and asked her to do it again, but she refused, even though it was still loaded. She didn’t want to waste the gunpowder so she went to the trouble of using a worm to get all the powder and stuff out so she could use it later, which wasn’t much fun.

Then Willow saw to our wounds. Brandy, Dreamy, and I were all wounded, and Willow prescribed a good night’s rest for us, which didn’t really feel like what a real doctor would do. But she did get us some cold bottles to put onto our bruises, which was better than nothing. She got Brandy to rate her performance which was part of her training to be a doctor, and he rated her ‘smiley face,’ which made her happy.

Then, even though we were all very tired and in need of some sleep, Brandy got Willow to get her notebook out and read all the things that they had listed that were wrong with bigs, and that might contribute to Halfling independence. It was, they are mean, they waste food, they shot arrows at us, they are rude in the pub, they mutate, especially the dog-face one and the pin-headed ones we saw, they block up our chimneys, and they kick hard.

Then he wanted to talk to me about joining the HIP, or becoming ‘a Hipster,’ as he called it. I told him that I didn’t think that by and large humans had it that much better than Halflings. I pointed out some poor docker on the quayside and said that he didn’t have anything to his name, either. And to be honest, a lot of bigs don’t seem to have as much fun as us Halflings, anyway. There wasn’t much of the night left, but we all needed some sleep.

In the morning, after breakfast, we set sail. Josef told us it would take us four days to get to Boegenhafen. We spent our time repairing the boat of the damage the fires had caused. Even Blume helped us with the sailing, although she mostly just sat at the front on watch, doing her nails.

That evening we didn’t feel like going ashore to the boating inn, and we all just stayed onboard and cooked what food we could find. We also decided to set watches so we would not be surprised by the crossbowman and his gang of damp-rag wielding thugs again.

I had first watch and then woke up Willow to do the second. But I heard her wake up Blume to help her with her watch. She was probably a bit scared. To pass the time she asked Blume who her best friend was, but Blume said she didn’t have any friends, and so her best friend was probably her father. I don’t think Willow could believe Blume had no friends and told her about Buttercup who was her best friend back in the Mootland. And she told her about her pony who was called Maple Stirrup. But Blume just said that a pony wasn’t a proper horse and when her father got back from the Spice Islands she would have a really big horse.

Willow talked about when Blume comes to the Mootland to visit but was cut off pretty quickly by Blume who assured her she wouldn’t be visiting the Mootland. But Willow said she had already written to her mother to tell her she would be coming. Blume said that that was silly, and she should write again to tell her she wouldn’t. Willow said she also told her mum that Blume broke her candlestick, and Blume said she broke it because Willow was annoying, and she would do it again. And then they finally shut up so I could get some sleep (Sorry - Willow).

I think for Brandy’s watch he must have just wrapped himself in a blanket and eaten loads of food, because in the morning there was quite a bit of food missing and I found a blanket covered in crumbs on the deck.

Anyway, in the morning Willow was helping me cook breakfast and she accidentally put some eggs in the porridge, so we called in scramborridge and served it anyway. It was surprisingly good. It was like first and second breakfast at the same time.

The Berebeli made good time. Blume wanted to go on watch again, but as trusty first mate I decided that it wasn’t fair on the rest of the crew, so I ordered Blume to empty the bilge. Needless to say, she wasn’t having it. I threatened her with docking her wages, but then, as she pointed out, that would mean I would have to pay for her dinner again, and so I did a deal with her that I would empty the bilge and pretend she did it. I thought that was win-win, but the more I think about it, it wasn’t.

That night we stopped by the Sparrow inn and decided it felt safe enough to go in and have some dinner. We had a good chat about the Schaffenfest and asked Blume what sort of stuff they had in big fairs. I wanted there to be a booth where you could pay to shoot a pistol at a target. And Brandy wanted there to be something like there where he could use his sling.

Willow wanted there to be a mouse town, which according to Willow is a town full of mice who live there like people live in a real town except it’s smaller and they’re only mice. We all agreed that would be fun.

Blume said there would be something to do with coconuts and said her father would bring lots of coconuts back from the Spice Islands. Then we tried to name all the vegetables that they might have there, and Blume got mad again.

Then everyone wanted to know what life was like in the river wardens and I tried to tell them it wasn’t as interesting as they might think, and mostly we just say around on boats eating, and chatting, and smoking. I told them that the most exciting time was when we busted an organised cheese smuggling ring, but Brandy said that he knew the cheese smugglers and the story he heard was that it was a very dark night, and we just bumped into them by accident, which may have been true, but it still counted as a bust.

And Brandy told me I wasn’t allowed to say who the cheese smugglers were, but it was obvious they were Lowhavens. Then he said I wasn’t to mention any first names, and I can understand that as Elmore Lowhaven would get angry if he knew I was telling everyone about his cheese smuggling, so I won’t mention him here. And you can tell him that I didn’t mention him, if you like, mum.

Willow went to talk to the innkeeper. He told her that his cousin had just come back from Altdorf and that her hair had changed colour, just like that, for no reason. This sounded a bit like Willow’s hat. He also said no one should miss Schaffenfest, although he couldn’t make it this year. He also said something about armies moving south towards Ubersreik, but that sort of thing doesn’t really interest us.

On the next table to us we could hear talk of signal towers. They were saying that the Emperor was kicking all the wizards out and using Dwarf engineers instead, and they would be building a series of signalling devices to span the Empire which would mean someone in Altdorf could talk to someone in Nuln, and they wouldn’t need wizards for it.

Brandy was interested in politics so he started chatting to them and tried to get them to take some of his pamphlets from the Halfling Independence Party. I didn’t really think they were the right demographic (being bigs) but he gave it a good go, even if he wasn’t that sure about some of his facts. Sometimes it feels like he is just repeating stuff that he has heard from others without really understanding it.

He did say something about the taxes on food entering the Mootland, and used cheese from Bretonnia, Chorizo from Estalia, and pasta from Tilea as examples, but I think he just lost track of his argument and sat there salivating over an imaginary bowl of cheese and chorizo pasta bake. This was especially tempting as the pies at the Sparrow were very mediocre, even for big stuff.

We did appreciate that one of the best things about living with the bigs is that their servings are a good size even if the food isn’t very good. Blume told Brandy that he had never had a small pie in his life. She seemed to think it was an insult, but that’s a massive compliment to a Halfling. Anyway we decided that ‘bigger was not always better,’ and Brandy said that could be a good slogan for the HIP. And ‘less is always more’. And then ‘small things come in small packages’, but I think we’d had enough to drink by then.

Blume told Brandy that the man he had been talking to was going to report him for his treasonous HIP talk, and then he would be executed. This worried Brandy and he begged Blume to go and tell the man he didn’t really mean it. So Blume went to have a word with him and told Brandy it was all sorted out, and he thanked her. But really none of it was true and Blume didn’t say anything about treason and the man wasn’t reporting anyone. I don’t think Blume realises how mean she is, sometimes.

Anyway, when we went back to the Berebeli we set watches again. It seemed like a peaceful location and I didn’t think that anything bad could happen, here, but I still woke Willow for the next watch. I hoped she wouldn’t feel the need to wake up Blume to help her, and then I would have to listen to them bickering all night, but it wasn’t to be.

Willow asked Blume if she wanted to ask her any questions but before she could answer Willow asked her why she liked guns. Blume said nobody questions you when you’ve got a gun, and so Willow asked Blume if she didn’t like questions. Anyway Blume changed the subject and asked Willow why she became a herbalist and she said it was because she always had a garden at home and she used to eat things in the garden and some of those things made you feel good and some of those things made you feel bad. Then she found a book in the library that helped you learn about how to tell the different plants apart.

I think they might have become friends because Blume then said she was sorry about breaking the candlestick. Willow said she could have the other one, but Blume said she didn’t need it. At the end of the watch Blume woke Brandy by banging her gun on the floor near us, but it woke me up too. And of course, I found another blanket full of crumbs and stuff in the morning, so Brandy definitely went on watch again.

Despite being kept awake by Blume for most of the night, I did get some restful sleep and was feeling much better in the morning. I had completely recovered from all my wounds from the fight at Weissbruck. I decided to have a proper go at making scramborridge for everyone, and I put a lot of effort into doing it just right and everyone said it was delicious, so that was nice. And the rest of the day went smoothly enough. It felt like we were starting to be a proper sailing crew, even Blume helped a bit.

In the evening we tied up by the Kingfisher which seemed like a nice little boating inn. When we went in, I noticed Dreamy looking about carefully, and I recalled he had been doing this a lot on the rest of the journey, too. And I realise he was keeping an eye out for crossbowman, and his thugs, and anyone else who might want to do us harm. And really none of the rest of us were concerned with that or had even noticed that he was doing it.

I also recalled how he always sets himself up facing the door with a good view of the rest of the inn, or wherever we are. I think that is his military training, and he is doing that to look after us, too, and never really notice. So I think Dreamy was taking the idea of looking after us, especially Willow, very seriously, even if he wasn’t making a song and dance about it.

Brandy decided this was far enough away from Weissbruck to try selling his ring and locket. The buyers, who were a bit shady, wanted to know who the blood-stained picture in the locket was of, and Brandy explained that it was the Duke of Altdorf, which wasn’t that convincing as I don’t think there is a Duke of Altdorf. In any case he told them they could always get rid of the picture, which he called evidence. Despite this he managed to sell them. He said he made a decent profit, but I pointed out that he had made much more money being paid by Josef to crew the boat. But Brandy said crewing the boat took ages, and selling borrowed goods took only a few moments, so for the time he put in, it was more lucrative.

Then he asked me about when I took the money off the noble in the Boatman inn in Altdorf. I told him that wasn’t really stealing, as I didn’t do it for the money but only because the nobles were being unkind. Brandy seemed to think that the reason we had saved each other from drowning at Weissbruck could be that we fated to team up and make a gang, where I suppose I would get the goods and he would sell them. I’m not sure I really want to steal stuff, so I told him we could do it, but I’d have to make sure anyone I was doing it to was being unkind, first.

And then Willow tried selling some of her candles to get a discount on the food. The landlord offered her 6d for one, but she wasn’t very good at bartering. After some advice and training from Brandy, telling her to be more confident, she managed to demand 2d for the candle. Brandy said he would teach her even more stuff about haggling before we got to Boegenhafen. In any case, the landlord felt so bad about the deal that he threw in some grapes with our pies. The pies still weren’t very good, though.

That night I fell asleep to the sound of Willow telling Blume all about her grandma who used to catch fireflies and who was a bit simple on account of being hit on the head by a massive cock called Big Jim. She said Big Jim was a right terror and probably as big as the Ostrich that Blume used for her duvet down. They say you always dream about the last thing you think of before you fall asleep, so I had a bit of a nightmare that night.

We woke up knowing this would be our last day before we arrived in Boegenhafen. The Scramborridge had been so good the previous morning, I was a bit scared of trying to recreate it, so I just made sausage and egg for everyone. Josef said we had made good time and we would arrive in Boegenhafen well before evening. The journey had been so relaxing that we all arrived fully recovered from our troubles at Weissbruck.

And sure enough we were soon docking at the Ostendamm pier and after paying the mooring fees, Josef paid us all 6 shillings and went off to sort out his cargo. And so that was that. We had to leave the Berebeli. She had been our home for a week, and I really enjoyed working on her. Somehow it feels a lot safer to have your home from home when you travel. Having to change coaches every day and move in and out of coaching inns always feels chaotic and precarious. I think I might want to get a job on a boat permanently. Maybe I would ask Josef about staying on the Berebeli.

We had so many things to be doing in Boegenhafen that it was hard to decide what to do first. We eventually agreed to go with Brandy to the Half Measure tavern, and take a room there, as his cousin ‘Foxy’ Foxglove Lowhaven worked there.

Blume talked about going to get her inheritance. She read out the letter again which seemed to suggest that she would become a noble, too. The way she was talking, I think she had forgotten that it wasn’t actually her inheritance, it was someone else’s. And when we reminded her that she had promised us half of the money, she denied it, saying that we had promised ourselves, but she hadn’t. Hopefully she was only joking. Except she doesn’t have a sense of humour.

We decided that once we had settled in at the Half Measure we were going to go with Blume to the lawyers, anyway. Then after that we planned to visit the Schaffenfest, where I was going to fire a pistol, and then see the mouse town before the mice get tired.

So anyway mum, that’s what happened on our four days on the river between Weissbruck and Boegenhafen. I’m sorry it wasn’t very interesting, but we will soon be at the Schaffenfest, and I’m sure that will be much more interesting, especially if we get to see the mouse town. I will write to tell you all about it, soon.