6: Lock, Stock, and Barl

Hi Mum, and Grandma, and the rest of you. Hope you’re all doing well. We’re all fine. This is what happened on our first day in Boegenhafen. I think you will be surprised.

First of all we had to leave the Berebeli. I was quite sad about this. I said goodbye to Josef and he said that he would still need some help on the return run to Altdorf, and so I would be able to work for him again. I wasn’t sure whether I would be going back so soon, especially if we got hold of all that money, but that was something to fall back on. And Willow said goodbye to baby Elsa.

We got all our stuff off the boat, and Brandy washed his feet again and made an effort to look presentable. I think he was looking forward to meeting Foxy Lowhaven again. But, because the name Lowhaven is quite infamous around the Empire, the Lowhavens call themselves Shortbottom among the bigs, instead. So I think Foxy goes by the name Shortbottom, as does Brandy, of course.

On our way to the Half-measure we got talking about all the things we’d be able to do at the Schaffenfest. Apparently, the whole point of the fair is that there’s no tax on livestock on the final day, so we resolved that if we were going to buy anything like that we’d wait until the end. Willow said she might get a little goat because their faces are cute, and Dreamy said a miniature pig would be good because they fit in your pocket. Brandy said he might get a badger as a friend of his knows how to ride them. The friend was going to come on this trip, but he couldn’t make it in the end.

We also reminded Blume that we had agreed to half of the money from her inheritance if we got her safely there, but she said that ‘we’ had agreed that but ‘she’ hadn’t. We told her that this wasn’t fair, but she just said that life wasn’t fair, and she was the one with the gun. Willow thought she might change her mind once she saw all the cute goats.

The Half-measure was nice and cosy with a proper size door, and although it was nearly half bigs in there it certainly felt Halflingy and Willow said it was just like being back in the Mootland.

Willow went to get us some drinks and a menu, and the landlady, who was actually Foxy, told her to sit down and enjoy herself and said there were lots of games available, like Scarlet Empress, Cornhole, Dwile Flonking, and Bowling. She came back with a picture menu, and according to the menu the pies looked good, and according to Brandy the garlic mushrooms were good, so we ordered pies and garlic mushrooms for everyone, and Brandy had an extra pie on top. Willow managed to do some good bartering and swapped a couple of her candles in part payment.

Over the meal Brandy told Blume that ever since she had joined up with us it felt like we had been getting involved in strange stuff. But Blume said that ever since she met up with us it felt like she was getting stupider. This made sense, as all us Halflings can be very clever, and Blume might not feel as clever as us. Anyway, she said that if she was to impress the lawyers then she would need a new dress. But Brandy said she could impress them with a new pie. In any case, as his Grandmam always said, ‘pie first, dress later,’ and she is very wise. But I think as good as the pies were, Blume had her heart set on a new dress.

Meanwhile Willow was playing Dwile Flonking and drank a couple of pints, which wasn’t like her. Then she insisted I play Cornhole with her but I was really bad at it. Then we played Bowling and I was pretty bad at that too. (I won both games – Willow.) She seemed to be really enjoying herself. (Hello Mrs. Chard. I was really enjoying myself. But I didn’t know what was going to happen, then, did I? – Willow.)

Meanwhile, Brandy was talking to Foxy Shortbottom. I think he was a bit shy at first, but after she said she remembered him from young Esme’s piefest they got on much better. He told her he was in town to try to do deals with the local Lowhavens. And she told him that Lori, Philophiloradei, Lowhaven, ran the ‘family business’ in Boegenhafen and might be interested in that sort of thing, so went upstairs to get her.

When Lori came down Brandy told her he had been sent by the Lowhavens in the Mootland to establish some trade links with Boegenhafen. He said he didn’t really know exactly what he was supposed to do but he knew they had a load of stolen Sitrlander cutlery and a load of Averlander horseshoes back in the Mootland that they could bring up here. Lori called out to Lambert, one of her partners in crime, to say that it would be a good idea if they started selling smuggled and stolen goods, but she was just being sarcastic. I don’t think she thought there was anything Brandy could bring to her already criminal organisation.

But then Brandy mentioned his big partner, Blume, and explained her father had a ship full of spice that would be coming in soon, and Lori could get in on it. This piqued Lori’s interest and when Blume insisted her father had nothing to do with illegal activity, she just thought Blume was playing it cool and that got her even more interested. When Blume explained all the spices her father might be bring, Brandy gave Lori the impression that this was just code for drugs.

In the end, I think Lori realised that Blume really didn’t want to be involved and there would be no deal, but she said that Brandy could do a bit of work for her, if he was interested. He agreed, and she told him he just needed to turn up to the Scarlet Empress game that evening and lose a few hands on purpose to make their mark over-confident. Brandy said he could do it, even though he wasn’t completely sure of the rules to Scarlet Empress. It couldn’t be that hard to lose and he had already practiced that with the Bretonnia back at the Coach and Horses (which seems a long time ago now, but it was only about a week ago).

By now we had realised that the Half-measure was not an inn, but just a tavern, so we decided to take all our stuff, which admittedly wasn’t that much, back to the Berebeli and see if we could stay there longer, which might be a good idea especially if we were going to head back to Altdorf after Schaffenfest, and it would save us money.

In any case, it was time to visit the lawyers and get Blume’s inheritance, so perhaps we would be staying at the finest hotel in town come this evening. But before that Blume insisted that she needed to get a new dress. We were very adamant that it wasn’t required but she is very stubborn and in the end we went to a dress shop.

She picked out a sage dress and then decided she needed a lavender cape to go with it, and then bought some gloves, and a hat, and some ankle boots. While she was in the dressing room, Brandy and Willow tried to get a look under the door to see if they could catch a glimpse of her feet, which we had speculated about rather a lot, but no luck.

This all came to a lot of money but Blume did almost sort of promise to give us half the inheritance, before Dreamy finally handed over the cash to the shopkeeper. In the end she swore on Brandy’s grandmam’s life. I don’t think even Blume would go against their word after swearing that, even though she had never met Brandy’s grandmam.

So, we went up to the street mentioned on the letter. Blume tried to make us wait outside, as it wouldn’t make much sense us all going in with her, but we insisted and we decided that we would all pretend to be her servants. I was her chef. And entering the offices of Lock, Stock, and Barl we were greeted by a young clerk who immediately recognised Blume as Kastelle Lieberung, and he greeted her and told her to wait while he fetched Herr Barl. We were all going to be rich.

Then suddenly we heard both doors to the office being bolted from outside and the shutters were closed making the room very dim. It was quite frightening. And then we heard a voice from outside the back door saying:

‘Kastelle Lieberung! Otherwise known as the magister impedimentae of the cult of the Purple Hand! In the name of the Emperor, I arrest you and your companions for conspiring with Chaos, murder, theft, and other crimes hereinafter to be enumerated! Lay down your weapons and surrender!’”

I think we all panicked a bit and started shouting things. I dropped my sword and think I tried to say that it wasn’t her, but that didn’t make much sense. Blume wasn’t panicking, though, she was loading her blunderbuss, and demanding to be released and saying her father would hear about this. I think Willow was getting a bit hysterical and Brandy wasn’t having much fun either. I imagine Dreamy is used to this sort of thing, though. It was all very confusing. But then we heard a terrible noise from outside and it all went quiet.

Dreamy and I tried to force the door open, but we needed Brandy to help. He was a bit too upset so Dreamy gave him a little slap to bring him to his senses, and with his help we managed it, and we were free. To be honest, I think it’s only Dreamy and me, out of all us Halflings, who have much of a sense of adventure.

Blume was angry though and said, ‘here’s your half share of nothing!’ except she wasn’t that polite, and I won’t repeat here the words she actually used, mum (I didn’t even want to write them down – Willow). And then she stormed off. I kind of hoped that we would never see her again. I don’t think we are a very good mix. Some bigs, like Josef, manage to get on with Halflings, but Blume isn’t one of them.

We were all glad to get out of the office, and it was very tempting to run all the way back to the Berebeli. But I think we all, well Dreamy and I, wanted to know what had happened, so we went down the alleyway to the back of the office to check out the back door, and we saw a terrible sight.

The crossbowman who we had seen in Altdorf and Weissbruck was lying on the ground quite dead. But his body had been terribly mutilated and his heart ripped out. It looked like he had been savaged by a pack of wild animals. There was no sign of the young clerk.

It wasn’t a very pleasant thing to do, but this was all so confusing I wanted to find out what was going on, so I went through the crossbowman’s things. His crossbow was broken, but I found a letter, some rope, and some manacles. Dreamy said the rope might come in handy, although there was some blood on it.

Then we went to the Berebeli and on the way I gave the letter to Willow to read to us, but she was so upset we couldn’t understand what she was saying. Anyway, we got back to the boat, and had a smoke and calmed down a bit, and then Willow read it again.

 

 

 

For the personal attention of Herr Adolfus Kuftsos

The Nine Stars Coaching Inn

The Middenheim Road

Altdorf

My Dear Herr Kuftsos

You may recall a certain conversation we had last Brauzeit in the public room of the Hook and Hatchet in Nuln. At the time you mentioned your interest in the activities of a certain society whose name I shall not mention here. In particular you were very anxious to trace the whereabouts of a certain officer known only as the magister impedimentae.

I am now able to confirm each and every one of your suspicions. After your departure, I made some discreet enquiries and was able to ascertain that the person you seek uses the name Kastelle Lieberung. In accordance with your plan, Frau Lieberung will be traveling towards Altdorf on the Nuln road some time towards the end of the month of Jahrdrung.

I have also had the good fortune to obtain a likeness of Frau Lieberung, I enclose with this letter.

I remain sir, your most obedient servant,

Q.F.

 

 

After reading that Willow said she was worried that we were in a cult, or that we would be suspected of being in a cult. And then we thought we might be suspected of the crossbowman’s murder. It was suggested that we should just lie low in the boat for all of Schaffenfest, but I think we were all looking forward to seeing the mouse town. In any case, I don’t think we really had much to worry about with the death of the crossbowman, this Adolfus Kuftsos fellow, as we were completely innocent. But as we had been followed by some strange people all the way from Altdorf, they knew what boat we were in, and so lying low in the Berebeli wouldn’t be any good, either.

Willow asked Dreamy if all his adventures were like this, and he said they kind of were. And we agreed that perhaps we had been a bit greedy, going for this inheritance that wasn’t really ours, and we were no worse off today than we were yesterday.

Willow was also wondering how we would write all this to you, mum. But I said it would be better to tell the whole story, so we decided to write it exactly as you are reading it now.

It was quite nice, after our strange day, to be huddled in the Berebeli smoking and having a good chat, but then Blume came back and spiled it. She was carrying a couple of wine bottles, and she wasn’t very happy. But if anything, she did the best out of the whole thing, because she had her new dress and accessories.

She said that her life was ruined, and when we tried to cheer her up by saying that her father would soon come back from the Spice Islands and she would be rich, she burst into tears and said her father hadn’t sent her any money for ages.

Then Blume said she couldn’t believe that we were her only friends. And despite her tears we were all quite pleased to be called her friends. And to celebrate we made her smoke with us. I think it made her feel sick and she said it was the worst day ever. Then she flounced off and went to sleep off the wine.

While she was sleeping, I noticed that she had her blunderbuss by her side, and it was still loaded. So we borrowed it for a bit, and Brandy and I pointed it over the side of the boat and aimed it at a gull. We pulled the trigger together and got a direct hit on the bird, sending it into the Boegen. It was brilliant. Unfortunately the sound woke Blume up and she came and reclaimed her gun.

It had been a very long day and it still wasn’t over. We still had time to go to the Schaffenfest, and Brandy still had to go and play cards at the Half-measure.

Anyway mum, that ‘s enough for this letter. Try not to worry about us. I know it all sounds a bit strange and dangerous but I promise it’s not as bad as it sounds, and I will send you another letter soon.