7: Schaffenfest

Hi mum, and everyone else back in Sauerapfel, we finally got to make our long-awaited visit to the Schaffenfest. I thought we would never get there. Anyway, this is a short note to tell you what happened when we were there. It wasn’t dangerous, or anything like that, but there was a surprising thing towards the end, which I won’t spoil now. You’ll have to read to the end (and no looking ahead to see what it is).

After we got back from the ill-fated trip to the lawyers, we decided to head straight to the Schaffenfest so we would still have time to enjoy it before Brandy had to head back to the Half-measure to play in that game of cards he’d agreed to. I think he was a bit concerned about the game because I saw him practicing with cards and doing tricks with them. I hope he remembers he is supposed to lose.

We left the town of Boegenhafen through the main gate and saw all the tents, wagons, stalls, and pens of Schaffenfest in the field alongside the city wall. It was very busy, and everyone was having fun. Blume said it wasn’t as good as last year’s, and we asked if she had been there last year, and she said she hadn’t, but she had just heard it was much better then.

The first thing we did was find the mouse town. All the mice were very cute (Yes, Mrs. Chard, they were very cute. I particularly liked the mouse on the windmill that went round – Willow) and it was fun to see them walking around a pretend town pretending to have jobs and things. Looking at the mouse town was free, and it said it was, ‘A gracious gift from the Merchants’ Guild to the good people of Boegenhafen.’ That was very gracious of the merchants’ guild, but not very typical of the Schaffenfest because as we were to learn, a lot of the stalls were very keen to get your money and not that fair about how they did it.

Willow was still a bit put out by all the events of the afternoon and being locked in the lawyer’s office. She wondered why we couldn’t all just be nice to each other like the mice. Then she told us a fairy tale about a group of enterprising explorers on a ship and their continuing mission to explore strange new worlds and some metal men they met. They fought each other, but in the end made friends. And she asked if the explorers and the metal men could get on, then why couldn’t we?

Brandy said that perhaps the way we look at the little mice running around a little town and being amused by them is a bit like how the bigs see us. I’m not really sure I understood what he was getting at, though.

Blume said she regretted what had happened at the lawyers, and although she wasn’t sorry, she offered to buy us all a beer, which was nice of her. So we went to the beer tent. I think Willow had had enough of beer, and so gave hers to Dreamy. Brandy did a trick by putting his beer on his belly and drinking it from there. Blume told him he was fat, so she really is starting to be nice to us.

In the beer tent we heard rumours about a new edict from the Emperor himself which said that there is no such thing as mutants in the Empire, and therefore the act of killing them or exiling them because of physical deformities was illegal and punishable by death. That sounded fair enough to me, although I guess we must have got the last four of them!

Blume got a bit mad about it, and wondered what the Emperor was up to. Willow was worried that we would be given the death sentence because we had killed some mutants, but we told her that that was before the edict, and in any case, the road wardens had seen what we did, and seemed alright about it. And it was self-defence. Brandy decided that this was all a ‘big’ issue, anyway. He asked us if we had ever seen a mutant in the Mootland, and we had to admit we hadn’t.

We saw a patrol of soldiers go past. They looked very smart in the purple and white uniforms. And then we went to Doctor Seuss’ Wonder Tonics. Willow was interested in his stuff because she likes herbs and things. The person on the stall (I don’t think it was really Doctor Seuss) made all sorts of claims about the tonic, saying that the more you watered it down the more effective it was. He said that he had a broken leg two weeks before and it had cured that. And then he pointed to someone walking past and said he had been a pig two weeks before but was now cured. Dreamy pointed out that this was the first day of the fair so he couldn’t have sold it two weeks ago and that made him go very quiet. (Yes, I think he was a quack – Willow). Then Willow told us all about Celery Birchwood who used to piss in bottles and sell them to keep cats off the garden.

Then we went to the sling stall, where you could win a prize for getting a sling shot though a small hole in a target. It cost three pennies for three goes and Brandy had a go, and his last shot was quite close but it didn’t quite go through the hole. Then I had some goes, and I got close too. I think one of my shots was really good, but the stone just bounced off the side of the hole. I had the idea that the stones might be too big to go through the hole, and we said that to the big. But he demonstrated that they would go through, except he used a different target to the one we were aiming at, so that felt a bit suspicious. A lot of the stalls seemed to be more about getting our money than letting us have fun.

Then Blume tripped over an anchor and got mad again. But it turns out this was a game about flipping anchors. Blume didn’t want to know about flipping anchors, but Brandy gave it a go. He struggled for a long time, and we drifted away because it was a bit boring seeing a grown halfling pulling an anchor. But Brandy kept going, he got so hot he needed to take his shirt off. But in the ned he manged to flip the anchor and he won a pint of beer. He was really pleased with himself, and showed everyone the pint mug that was adorned with a bicep, which he said he’d keep to remind himself of the best day ever when he flipped an anchor. He even hugged Blume which she wasn’t very happy about.

Then we saw a big crowd forming around some sort of ring. The ringmaster was calling for anyone brave enough to challenge the mighty Crusher in a wrestling contest. It cost two shillings, but if you could stay in the ring for three minutes you would win two crowns. That was a good deal but the Crusher was absolutely massive, even for a big, and covered in tattoos.

Brandy had tied his shirt around his head and was pumped up about the anchor and I was afraid he was going to volunteer to fight the Crusher, but in the end he thought better of it. Then, someone pushed Dreamy from behind and shouted, ‘I’ll have a go.’ So everyone was looking at Dreamy, even though he didn’t do anything. And now he was sort of obliged to fight the Crusher.

Dreamy handed his weapons to Willow and paid his two shillings. We noticed that the Crusher looked a bit knackered, so maybe he had been fighting so much he was so tired that Dreamy had a chance. But as soon as the fight started we realised that that had been a ruse to attract paying opponents, and the Crusher was as fresh as a daisy. These bigs seem to stop at nothing to be deceitful for money.

So, to loud cheering and shouting, Crusher came at Dreamy but he managed to evade his grasp, and they danced around each other for a bit. Then Crusher attacked again, this time Dreamy dodged out of the way and tried to trip the big as he lunged. He failed at this, though, and Crusher managed to grab him, and once he was grabbed, Dreamy had no chance and was forced to tap out, conceding the fight. It was quite exciting, I suppose, but not very fair. I’m not sure what all the bigs were cheering about, it felt a bit like bullying, to me.

Anyway, Dreamy was fine, after the fight, if a bit tired. And as he said, had he been allowed to use his bow, Crusher would have been dead before he could have got within 30 feet of him. And so we had another beer in the beer tent and had a grumble about all the games being fixed.

Blume was still going on about buying everyone a drink. I think she felt a bit guilty for still having her nice dress, when we didn’t get anything form the inheritance. And as Willow was back off the beer, she bought her a nice apple and ginger drink with some ginger snaps, which she shared with us. And then she said we were even. But I’m not sure if you compare the price of the dress with a cup of apple juice that comes out even.

As Willow and Blume were walking back towards us, they noticed a mysterious looking red and yellow tent and decided to venture in. It was dark and smoky inside and smelled on incense, I think. Willow was a bit frightened and held Blune’s hand, but Blume made it clear that that didn’t make them friends. And they were greeted by an old woman who had a Sylvanian accent. We know about Sylvanians, because it is quite close to the Mootland. And they have a reputation for being a bit mysterious, anyway, when they’re not being dead.

The Sylvanian lady was called Mystic Megret and she offered to tell their fortunes by reading their palms. She was mostly interested in telling Willow’s fortune, and when she did she moaned a lot and her eyes rolled back in her head, and she said something about there being ‘a narrow place and a dark place and it is wet, and there is death there.’ And then for Blume she just said something about a tall, dark, stranger.

When Willow told us about it, we said that perhaps she should beware of going back to the Berebeli as that was dark and narrow and wet, although we were getting told off for not being narrow enough on the canal. In any case, we all agreed that if it didn’t involve tea leaves then it wasn’t proper fortune telling. And Brandy said he’d give Willow a proper one when we got back to the boat. Meanwhile Blume seemed captivated by the idea of meeting a tall, dark, stranger, but none of us could care less.

Then we went to have some more fun. We had to pass a large tent with the Boegenhafen coat of arms on it. Blume told us it was the Festival Court. A special court they set up just for the festival, presumably because there is so much crime there. I think that maybe they should send all the stall owners to court for running fixed games. And Blume said that if Brandy carried on talking about the Halfling Independence Party then that was where he would end up, having his toenails pulled out.

Outside the court tent were some stocks, and there was a very disgruntled looking dwarf locked in them. A group of kids were throwing rotten food and rubbish at him. They were having fun but that is not our idea of fun, and Willow went to talk to him. He said that if he could just get two shillings to pay his fine, then he would be freed from his penance for drunkenness and vagrancy. Willow is exactly the sort of person he should have said that to, I think. And sure enough, she insisted we pay his fine, and soon the dwarf was released.

The dwarf said his name was Gottri Gurnisson, and that we had his undying thanks and friendship. But it wasn’t that undying as he quickly went off towards the beer tent. Then he remembered he didn’t have any money and came back to ask for some. Willow gave him some apple juice but that wasn’t really what he was looking for. Then Blume gave him three pennies for a beer and told him to shove off. I think she likes the idea of being the big person in a gang of Halflings and she didn’t want to risk Gottri moving in.

Then Blume went off to find a woodcrafter and asked him to make her a pistol shaped piece of wood. I’m not sure what she wants it for, but I think she has the idea that she will give it to me as a gift, because I don’t have a gun of my own. I think that would be a bit mean, so I hope she doesn’t. I hope she thinks better of it.

Dreamy went to buy some arrows, and then he went to get the leather jack we borrowed from the thug in Weissbruck, re-fitted for himself. I think he got a good deal because there would be so much leather left over.

Then Blume went to get some black powder and shot. I asked her to get one for me so I could fire the blunderbuss again, but she refused. She said she wasn’t a common fairground attraction where you could just pay a few pennies and get a ride. Fair enough, I suppose. In any case, she couldn’t find any black powder, and even if she did, she couldn’t afford any.

Willow found another herbalist stall, but she was more impressed by this one. The herbalist seemed to know what she was talking about. She bought three healing draughts for six shillings a go, so I hope they work. She seemed to think they would. The herbalist also said Willow could pop into her place in Weissbruck if she wanted and she would give her some proper tuition. It was a generous offer, but I’m not sure we want to go to Weissbruck again any time soon.

Then we saw another big crowd around a tent. It was the Zoocopeia, whatever that is, and the ringleader was Doctor Malthusius, and he was assisted by a gruff looking dwarf. Malthusius said his zoocopeia was filled with wonderful creatures from around the world. He had the Horrendously Hairy Horror of Hochland, the Dastardly One-eyed Dog of Diesdorf, the Immeasurable Maw of the Middle Mountains, and the Ghastly Three-Legged Goblin of the Grissenwald. We saw the goblin tied up outside the tent. He did have three legs, and we wondered how this worked with the Imperial mutant edict we had just heard about. And as we watched, the dwarf taunted the goblin, and as it covered from him, his chain got loose, and the goblin was free.

It ran through the crowds trying to escape, and it came close to us. As it went past I managed to tackle it. Malthusius was so pleased we saved one of his exhibits he said we could get into the zoocopeia for free. I suppose that was nice of him, but the goblin looked very frightened, and I don’t think it had been very well treated. Although Malthusius was pleasant enough, the dwarf assistant looked very mean.

So we had a look around the zoocopeia for free. I think it was quite grim, really. All the animals looked a bit sad, or mad, and they didn’t look particularly well cared for. I think if I were the goblin I would want to escape, too.

Blume was talking to Malthusius a lot. Because he was tall, dark, and handsome, I think she got it into her head that that is who Mystic Megret predicted would be coming into her life. She asked him whether he came from a monied family, and he had to admit that he didn’t.

Anyway, while we were in the zoocopeia, the three-legged goblin made another dash for freedom. I think having three legs meant it was a lot quicker than a normal goblin. The goblin apparently made its way to the city wall and disappeared under it, somehow. It caused a bit of a commotion, and the watch patrol were called. I don’t think they were very happy with Malthusius for allowing dangerous wild animals to be freed around the city. And I think Malthusius didn’t want the watch sniffing around as the goblin might be illegal.

I don’t know whether it was because I made such a good job of catching the goblin the first time round, or because Blume was hanging around him so much, but Malthusius said he needed to get the goblin back as soon as possible, and he would give us five crowns if we could do it for him. This sounded like a good deal, so we agreed, although Blume wanted two crowns up front, which he didn’t agree to.

The watch were keen to have the goblin found, too, and a watch sergeant had a chat to Blume about it. I got the impression that Blume thought he was tall, dark, and handsome, and that he was who the fortune teller had told her about. She asked him if he came from money, but I don’t expect many watch sergeants come from money. In any case she called him Sergeant Fate, but I don’t think that was his real name.

The sergeant said that he knew the landlord of the Journey’s End inn, so if we needed a base for the night, we could be put up there, for free. That sounded like a good idea, especially as I think Willow was a bit uncertain about returning to the dark, narrow, wet, Berebeli. And Blume told the sergeant that he could buy her a drink there, later.

So, mum, that is what happened at Schaffenfest. The three-legged goblin was supposed to be the surprising bit, not Blume buying us a beer. Anyway, we have a busy night ahead, I expect, as not only do we have a goblin to catch (I’ve no idea how we are going to go about doing something like that (nor do I – Willow)), but Brandy has to go to his card game. I expect I will need to write to tell you what happened with both of those things very soon.