10: The Other Half

Hello mum. We’ve had a bit of a quiet day, but I got a new job. I’m not sure I want it, but I got it anyway. Willow has been dipping into mystical things, and I’m a bit worried about her. (Hello, Mrs. Chard, you don’t have to worry about me, honestly. I just like to broaden my horizons, part the veil, open the doors, explore the woo, if you know what I mean – Willow.)

We were all back on the boat. Willow gave Brandy another tonic for his arse, but he decided that he would save it for the evening, so he would be able to play cards without visiting the latrine every five minutes.

Blume gave me the gun that she had ordered at the Schaffenfest. At first I thought it was real, and I was very pleased and excited, but then I realised it was just a painted piece of wood. I wasn’t sure whether that was Blume playing a nasty trick, but she said that I could wave it around and pretend it was a real gun. I think sometimes she thinks we’re children just because we’re small. But on the other hand, it was quite fun waving the gun around and pretending it was real. Bang.

Willow told us that the palm reading she had had from Mystic Megret seemed to predict finding the dead body in the sewers, and she wanted to go and see her again. But first she wanted Brandy to read her tea leaves, so she could have a control for her experiment. Unfortunately, Brandy wasn’t feeling up to it.

I was interested in Dreamy and Willow’s idea about the sewer monster living under the Steinhaeger office but it all seemed a bit farfetched, so I got Willow and Dreamy to walk me through it on their way back to the Schaffenfest. I have to say I wasn’t convinced by their calculations but I had no idea where I was at any point in the sewers, so I suppose I have to take their word for it.

They went to the Schaffenfest and Mystic Megret’s tent. Willow asked her whether she was a real psychic, or whether she just suggested stuff and had things happen that way. Megret said she just let the voices happen, but she said that in a voice that was different to her previous accent, so maybe she was just letting the voices happen. Or maybe she just forgot which accent she had used the previous time.

Willow wanted to know whether Megret used Fuggleweed to help her, but she said that she just used burning sage. Then as a test she asked, ‘what’s my favourite colour,’ and Merget replied that is had been red, but now it was blue. This was a good answer as Willow’s hat had been red when we set off, and then it had turned blue. So perhaps Mystic Megret knew about that, somehow.

First Megret read Dreamy’s palm and she said ‘Beware of a big man, a rich man. He will bring much danger.’ Then she read Willow’s and seemed to go into a much deeper trance and she said, ‘The great killed the small, and the highest serve the lowest. You are in great danger. The Eye is upon you.’

That sounded a bit scary, but strangely, as soon as she came out of her trance, Megret denied knowing anything about what she had just said. Maybe that was all part of the act. Then she said she needed to rest and asked them to leave. Willow decided she didn’t understand any of it and would stick to tea leaves in future.

Then they bought some more tonic from Elvyra for Brandy, and they went to the beer tent to get some pies for everyone and some gravy for Brandy. In the beer tent they spotted Crusher who was sat in the corner with a lot of empty drinks glowering at everyone. The barmaid told them that he had been there ages and he was frightening her a bit. She recognised Dreamy as the halfling who’d got in the ring with him and asked if he would try to get Crusher to leave.

Dreamy went over with a drink for him and thanked him for not bashing his head in during their fight. Crusher didn’t seem that inclined to talk, though. Dreamy managed to convince him he might be able to help, and Crusher revealed that he had brought some flowers for the barmaid, but had been so nervous, he’d crushed them, and now he was too nervous to talk to her. Dreamy told him he was obviously a nice guy, for not beating him to a pulp, and all he needed to do was relax a bit and smile and ask her how her day was.

Crusher seemed to realise that if Dreamy was brave enough to go in the ring with him, then he should be brave enough to talk to the barmaid. And Dreamy sent Willow out to collect some flowers. Willow was probably gone a little bit too long but ended up going through the meadows and the woods and picking a spectacular bunch of flowers, and Dreamy smuggled them to Crusher.

Soon Crusher and the barmaid were smiling and laughing and clearly getting on well, and though Willow wanted to stay to see them fall in love, Dreamy insisted it was time to go. But Crusher gave the thumbs up to them as they left. Willow said it was the best thing that had ever happened (Yes, that is what I said, Mrs. Chard, but having thought about it, that time Meredith Buttercup fell in the duck pond was also very good – Willow).

Meanwhile, I had been hanging out on the street outside the Steinhaeger offices. I was sort of hoping to see signs of monsters from the sewers, but the longer I hung out, the less likely that seemed to be. The offices looked quite neat and busy and it didn’t look like the sort of place a monster might live.

I wanted to have a look around the inside, and so followed a merchant going into the offices, but there was someone on the door checking everyone’s business. I didn’t have a very good reason to be going in, so I just pretended I was looking for the Sauerapfel Merchant House and left.

I bumped into Willow and Dreamy on my way out and there were some watchmen around, and I think Willow thought they might be after us. Perhaps because we were loitering outside the Steinhaeger’s, or perhaps because she had been practicing unofficial medicine in the city and had already been warned against that. But as suspiciously as she acted, the watch didn’t take any notice of us.

While we were away, Blume was being nice to Brandy. She was rubbing his belly to see if that made him feel better, and then she made him lots of cups of tea, and eventually he agreed to read her tea leaves for her. Unfortunately he was sick before he could make any sense of them.

Back at the boat we had a good chat about everything that had been going on and what we needed to do, but we couldn’t agree on much. Willow and Dreamy told us about their readings, but they didn’t seem to help either. We didn’t know which big they were talking about, or what ‘the highest serve the lowest’ meant. And Willow wasn’t happy that the eye was upon her, whatever that meant. Blume wanted to know what the Purple Hand was, that the crossbowman had been shouting about at the fake lawyers.

But then she got distracted by her preparations for going to the Half-measure with Brandy. He had told her about the young and rich Albrecht Steinhaeger, and I think she had the idea that she might marry him, or something. She even said I could look after her Blunderbuss, which was nice of her, even though she told me I wasn’t allowed to fire it, or anything like that.

She put on her best dress, the one that got covered in muck in the sewers, but she seemed to think she had cleaned it up sufficiently. And she put some charcoal on her eyes. She said all the trendy kids in Altdorf were wearing it like that, and she called it the Marienburg look.

Brandy told her she looked nice but that the main problem with her look was that she was wearing shoes. Blume told us that the bigs don’t let their partners see their feet or their ankles until their wedding night, which sounded a bit weird. As they say in the Mootland, a tree is only as good as its roots.

Brandy said he would do his best to get Blume hitched with Albrecht if she helped him with his plan to get invited to the Steinhaeger offices to give Albrecht card lessons. He said he would be her sous-chef but she didn’t understand what that meant. We found out that among the bigs, they don’t have sous-chefs they have wingmen, which is strange because they don’t have wings. Brandy also remembered to take his tonic so he wouldn’t have to run to the latrines between every hand.

While Brandy and Willow were at the Half-measure, I decided that I would go down to the watch station and ask about them finding the three-legged goblin’s body. Dreamy said he’d look after me, but I wondered whether he should stay with Willow and look after her, just in case Willow’s mum got to hear about her being left on her own, but Willow seemed happy enough by herself on the Berebeli.

When they got to the Half-measure Foxy Lowhaven agreed that Brandy could play cards again, as long as he remembered his role in the con. Blume asked her about the Purple Hand Club, but she had never heard of it. Philippe was there, again, and he told Brandy that he had done well the previous evening, but he had been a bit surprised that Brandy had told Albrecht his address. And Blume asked him how he was getting on with the perfume she had sold him. I think she probably needed it more than him, by now, but he said he had already sold it.

Brandy asked Philippe if he would big up his card-playing skills to Albrecht to help him get employed as a card teacher, and he slipped him a shilling, so Philippe agreed. Blume said she would do the same, but she didn’t get any money.

Albrecht soon arrived with his minder in tow. He said he had been practising cards all day and hoped he would be a bit better this evening. Brandy introduced Albrecht to Blume, and she gave him her best smile (To be honest, it’s not that good – Willow) but he was oblivious to her supposed charms, and as she wasn’t going to be playing, he asked for her chair, which didn’t go down too well.

Blume was careful to mention that Brandy was a very good teacher, though.  And Philippe agreed, like he had been paid to do. But then Philippe pulled Brandy aside and remined him that he wasn’t supposed to be good, he was supposed to be the ringer who lost the hands and filled the mark with confidence. Brandy explained that he was just watering the turnips.

Blume also wasn’t very happy with Brandy, because he had not got her into Albrecht’s good books, even though she had done her part of the bargain. Brandy decided that the quickest way to a man’s heart was through his beer, so ordered another round.

Meanwhile, Dreamy and I were down at the watch station. I thought they’d be impressed if I went in brandishing Blume’s gun, but I think it just made them nervous. But I did talk to one watchman and asked him about the three-legged goblin. He told me that they had found it in one of the Steinhaeger warehouses, which was another strange Steinhaeger coincidence. Unless half the people in Boegenehafen are Steinhaegers it did seem that their name was coming up rather a lot connected with the sewer monster. I thought we might check out the warehouse ourselves, but the watchman said he didn’t know which one it was, and the Steinhaegers had about twenty. He told me that the duty officer knew which warehouse it was but he was home in bed.

So, I had the great idea to join the watch, myself. I told him I had been in the river wardens for a couple of years back in the Mootland, and he invited me to turn up the next day. I’m not sure I really do want to join the Boegenhafen watch, but I suppose I could turn up for a day or two and hear the gossip about the three-legged goblin, and then leave.

Meanwhile, Willow was doing all sorts of things back in the Berebeli to get in touch with the spirits. She’d had a lot of Fuggleweed and she was burning sage like Mystic Meg, and she was reading lots of tea leaves. As she meditated, she heard a voice saying that we were doomed, and that chaos was upon us. I think the voice was from some fanatic or drunk on the dockside, because we heard him later, but at the time Willow thought it was the spirit world contacting her (I think it was the spirit world contacting me – Willow).

Back at the Half-measure Brandy was playing Scarlet Empress. He was still trying to get Blume together with Albrecht, though, and that must have been affecting his concentration. He suggested Blume go on Albrecht’s side for the card game and help him play. And as Blume sat next to him, she deliberately showed him some ankle (although later she did say she felt like a shameless wanton for doing it. Bigs are weird).

Blume’s advice to Albrecht wasn’t very good, and I’m not sure she knows how to play the game, anyway. So, he lost those hands and Brandy ended up winning them, which was exactly what he didn’t want to do. Blume told Albrecht that they say if you’re unlucky in cards you can be lucky in love, so he must be very fortunate with the ladies, but her flirting wasn’t really getting any response.

Brandy told Albrecht that Blume liked guns but he wasn’t so he told him she was from a mercantile family, and that seemed to get him a bit more interested. He did check out her appearance to evaluate what sort of family that might be. Blume explained that her father was in the spice islands dealing in spices and Albrecht asked her lots of questions about that. But it was pretty clear that Blume hadn’t paid much attention to what her father did, only the money it got her.

Albrecht wondered why he had never heard of the Hoffnung Enterprises Company, and Blume said their marketing strategy was to keep things as quiet as possible as the rarity value drove up the price, which confused Albrecht a bit. She said they were based in Marienburg and Albrecht wondered if that was why she had put coal on her eyes. And she managed to learn that Albrecht lived in a house on the Adelring, which was Boegenhafen’s poshest street. Albrecht said that he looked forward to hearing more about Hoffnung Enterprises, but he had to return to the game.

I think Brandy was so pleased he had finally got Blume and Albrecht together he forgot about the cards and accidentally won another game. Foxy had to come over and have a word with him and told him he had cost the house a hundred crowns. She would put it on his tab and he would have to work it off. Brandy fell silent and started working out how long it would take him to work off a hundred crowns and it was a lot longer than he was expecting to live.

In a bit of a panic he whispered to Blume that they were about to be in a hundred crown debt and she needed to do something quickly, and all Blume could think of to do was faint. So, she dramatically announced how weary and pale she was feeling and collapsed over the card table, scattering the cards and the chips all over the place. Blume fainted over Albrecht for good measure, and his minder rushed over to get her away from him. Brandy objected to Blume being treated like that but quickly apologised when the minder glared at him.

The minder encouraged Albrecht to leave but Blume told him not to forget about her. Albrecht said that Blume was very charming, and he’d enjoyed his evening, but he wasn’t interested in older women (Ouch! – Willow).

And before Brandy left Foxy told him off again and told him to turn up tomorrow night to start working off his massive debt. On the way back to the Berebeli Brandy and Blume argued about whether they owed Foxy fifty crowns each or it was all Brandy’s debt. In any case, she had managed to swipe a five-crown chip from the card table when she did her fainting thing. Brandy said he'd never seen that much money in his life, but Blume said that was her yearly allowance when she was at uni, but I don’t think that she was telling the truth.

Blume suggested he didn’t really need to work his debt off as we could just slip out of town when the Berebeli leaves, but Brandy told her she didn’t understand Halflings and how their reputations get passed around through gossip. He said he didn’t know what would get back to the Mootland first, him owing the Boegenhafen Lowhavens a hundred crowns or him being Brandyfoot Shitbottom. Judging by my letters back to the you, mum, I would suggest the shitbottom one got there slightly before the debt one.

Dreamy and I got to the dockside about the same time as Blume and Brandy and we all saw some sort of fanatic on the docks telling everyone we are all doomed. Blume said, ‘you think you’re doomed. We owe a hundred crowns.’ But then he addressed Blume in person and announced that the mark was upon her, and to beware the bringers of chaos. Then he said something like, ‘I see seven, and I see nine, all they have will be mine, mine, mine!’, ‘The star within the circle is the sign of Death!’ and, ‘Beware the man who is not a man!’

The star in the circle made us take notice because there had been a star inside a circle in the sewer monster’s room, but we didn’t know who the man who was not a man might be. We thought maybe Albrecht, because he was so young, but we didn’t see what there was to beware about him. And Blume asked if there was a mark on her, and Brandy said he might have meant her awful makeup.

When we got back on board the Berebeli Willow made the same predictions as the doomsayer. We had already heard him walking along the dockside telling everyone who would listen. But I think Willow had had too much Fuggleweed, because she though it had been a voice in her head.

It seemed like Brandy and Blume had had a good evening because they were being very friendly and Blume was actually being nice, but when she saw me, she demanded her gun back and she threatened me if I had damaged it. But I gave it back in perfect condition. I had even cleaned it a bit for her.

Then Brandy told everyone that we all owed Foxy Lowhaven twenty crowns each. I don’t think any of us took him seriously though. I certainly wouldn’t be paying her twenty crowns even if I had twenty crowns. Brandy said that the prediction from the fanatic the docks meant we owed the money, because seven and nine made twenty if you added another four to it, but he never explained where the other four came from.

Then Blume wrote a letter asking her father to send a hundred crowns to her, but I don’t think she knows where he is, and she just wrote ‘the spice islands’ as the address, and I don’t think it will get to him. And to be clear, mum, this isn’t some sort of roundabout way of asking you to send me a hundred crowns. I know you don’t have a hundred crowns, and I’m not expecting it. I think we will sort this out somehow, even if we have to leave Brandy at the Half-measure for ten years.

Willow asked Blume about her makeup and she explained it was all the rage in Marienburg. But Willow said it looked like she was going duck hunting. I was surprised at that, because it sounded a bit cheeky for Willow, and I thought perhaps it was the Fuggleweed talking (Yes, Mrs. Chard, it was a bit cheeky. It was probably all the Fuggleweed. But it was funny – Willow).

Then we sat around on the Berebeli discussing everything that was going on. I wondered whether I really should go and join the watch in the morning. We thought about the Purple Hand, which is something the crossbowman had said, and wondered what that might be.

Then we talked about Ordo Septenarius which was written in the circle in the sewer monster’s room. Blume said that she understood classical. (I’m not sure why she didn’t mention it before, to be honest.) She said it meant the order of the seven, or something like that. The doomsayer had something about seven and nine, so we wondered if that might be what he was talking about. But we didn’t know what the nine might be.

And we thought about the Magister Impedimentae which was mentioned in the crossbowman’s letter, and Blume said that it meant something a bit like quartermaster, so that didn’t really help much. We thought maybe we should ask more people about the Purple Hand and the Ordo Septenarius and see what they said.

And then it was time for bed, and we all made a big sleep pile. Blume didn’t sleep in the pile, but instead of sleeping on the other side of the boat, like she normally does, she slept next to us, and she put her hand out, and Willow put her head in her hand and fell asleep, so I think we’re all going to be friends with Blume after all.

So, that’s what happened today in Boegenhafen. Lots of things, but they’re all a bit confusing, and we’re having trouble making much sense of them (I don’t understand any of it – Willow). Anyway, I will write to you soon, mum, and hopefully we will have a bit more understanding of everything by then.