9: The Half-Measure

Hi mum, and everyone else back in Sauerapfel. I’m happy to report that nothing very dangerous is going on in this letter. It’s not been a day since I sent the last one, but that seems quite a long time for nothing strange, mysterious, or dangerous to have happened to us, and we all had a good night’s sleep. Or most of us did. Brandy’s had the galloping trots, and I don’t need to tell you what that’s like. (I did my best to help him, Mrs Chard, but he's still been very ill – Willow.)

Anyway, we sat around the Berebeli for a couple of hours waiting for our clothes to dry. Brandy was strutting around in just his breeches, showing off his big belly. I think one day I will have a belly like that, but it’s a long way off, yet. Willow found a spare sail to wrap herself in. Blume got her new dress out but found it had been soiled by our trip into the sewers, so that annoyed her. She tried to make a new dress out of a sack and some of the bunting, but she ended up looking a bit silly, even for a big.

I don’t think we really wanted to talk about it, but we had to say something about the sewer monster. No one had ever heard of, let alone seen, anything like that before (apart from Big Jim – Willow). And none of us had a clue why it might be living in the sewers. Did it live in that room? Was it a cellar under someone’s house, or just a room in the sewers? Who builds rooms in sewers? Was it a sewer monster, who locked itself in its house, or was it locked in the room by someone else? It was all very confusing.

Blume said that her father had seen a mermaid once. She said it was as big as a whale and had a long unicorn’s horn in the middle of its head. But that wasn’t very relevant.

Willow remarked that Mystic Megret’s fortune that said she would be in a narrow, wet place where there would be death, sounded like she could have been talking about the sewers, and Megret had been exactly right about the death. She suggested that maybe we could go bakc and talk to her and see what else she knew. I’m a bit suspicious of fortune tellers, but perhaps she did have a point. To be honest, if I was going to tell a fortune about the sewers, I might have mentioned the narrow bit and the wet bit, but I would have definitely mentioned the smelly bit first. Brandy offered to read Willow’s tea leaves, but he didn’t bother in the end. I think he was already feeling a bit ill.

Blume suggested we should go to the watch and tell them everything we knew, and that they would sort it out. Willow said that perhaps they might think we were in on it, or something like that. I think she had a point. I was in the river wardens for a few years, and in my experience, most wardens will do the easiest thing. If someone has a story about something strange happening, it is much more efficient to suspect them of being behind it, than to go out looking for other suspects. I think that is why so many innocent people are put in prison, they’re a lot easier to catch. Not that I ever arrested anyone I thought was innocent, mum.

Blume said the watch was the jewel of the Empire. I don’t know where she heard that, but I’m pretty sure that’s not right. I think they call Altdorf the jewel of the Empire. But Willow said that her mum said that she was the jewel of the Empire, and no one wanted to disagree with that. She had had a bad enough day as it was. Even Blume agreed she was a jewel but said that was because she was as thick as a rock.

Josef came back to the boat. He said we all stank. But he said we could all have some pies, anyway. We told him about the sewer monster, but he didn’t have anything helpful to say. I’m not sure he believed us.

Blume spent a lot of time cleaning her gun, and as she was cleaning it, she explained all the little bits to me, and what they did, so I think I am an expert on guns now. I’ve no idea how I will save up enough money to be able to afford one, though. Still, something might come up.

We decided that while everyone was on the Half-measure, Blume would take the three-legged goblin pelvis back to Doctor Malthusius and get our reward. Although, to be fair, I think if I were offering a reward for the return of a three-legged goblin and someone presented me with a bit of bone, like that, I wouldn’t pay up. It’s not like people will pay much money to look at a pelvis. But just to be on the safe side, I said I would go with Blume, even if it meant missing out on a night at the Half-measure. I think if Malthusius did pay her, she’d be off without even saying goodbye. Although that might not be a bad thing.

Brandy was looking a bit withdrawn, as well as a bit ill, and he said that he would rather have an early night. We had to convince him that it was probably best that he went to the pub, as he had to do that favour for Foxy Lowhaven, and it would keep his mind off all the monsters. Willow gave him some Fuggleweed, but that didn’t help much, so she gave him a special mixture of Fuggleweed. She said she was changing his ratios, or something. It made his eyes water, and he said he was feeling better, but he looked like he was feeling worse.

So, when all our clothes were dry, and kind of clean, they went off to the Half-measure. Brandy had to go, to play cards, like he’d promised. And Dreamy said he’d go to look after him, but then Willow had to go with Dreamy, as Dreamy had to look after her, and I think she just wanted to play another game of skittles, too.

Foxy greeted Brandy and told him that the mark had not arrived yet, so he should meet the rest of the players. I think the plan was that they would all play with chips, using imaginary money, so the only real money in the game would be the wealthy mark’s. So as long as he ended up losing, everyone else would win. So Brandy was not expected to win, they already had an excellent card sharp on their side for that.

He was a big, and would you believe it, it turned out to be Philippe, Philippe the Bretonnian who we had played cards with right back at the Coach and Horses, when we had first met Bloomer. That seemed like a very long time ago indeed, now. Philippe had helped us fight the mutants in the coach. Thinking back, it would have been much more fun had we bonded with Philippe over the fight with the mutants and joined with him on our travels, but we’d been lumbered with Blume instead.

Unfortunately, Brandy had to stop reminiscing with Philippe, because he needed to suddenly visit the latrines, which is when, I think he realised that he had caught the galloping trots from our adventure in the sewers. I know you had the galloping trots, mum, when little Daisy made that chicken pie for you as a treat, and didn’t cook it properly, so thankfully I don’t need to go into any details, here. But needless to say, Brandy really was a shitbottom.

Meanwhile, Blume and I went to the Schaffenfest to get our reward from Doctor Malthusius. Blume was being as grumpy as ever, but I told her that I thought she liked hanging out with us, otherwise she would have left by now. Blume explained that we were like chicken soup, and if you were ill you’d eat chicken soup, but as soon as you were better, you wouldn’t eat it any more. So as soon as she got better she wouldn’t want us around anymore.

Schaffenfest was starting to die down a bit by the time we got there, and although the drinking and eating stalls were still going, a lot of the other ones had shut up for the night. Malthusius was still there and we were about to tell him all about our adventures in recovering the three-legged goblin’s pelvis when he told us about the watch cornering the goblin in a warehouse on the Ostendamm and killing it. This was of course shocking news to us. He said that he had asked the watch for the corpse so that he could stuff it and use it as an exhibit, but they’d refused to let him have it.

Blume told Malthusius that we had found the goblin’s bones and told me to hand the pelvis over as proof. Malthusius checked the pelvis out and agreed it was likely that it was genuine, but he couldn’t understand how that tallied with the watch’s story. I thought perhaps the sewer room had been under the warehouse it was killed in, and it had fallen down, or something, and that would explain how the watch didn’t have the body, although it sounded a bit strange.

Then Blume told Malthusius about the sewer monster and offered to get that for him as an exhibit, if he would give us the five crowns he had promised us, but I think that all sounded a bit far-fetched to him. In any case, there was no way I was going back down into the sewers to get if for him.

Blume was being a bit insistent, and even rude, and I think Malthusius got the idea she was trying to extort him so he told her he wouldn’t be paying her any money and we had to leave. Then, I got a bit mad at Blume. I’m not sure it was entirely fair to blame her. But we were promised a load of money for the inheritance, and despite going all the way to Boegenhafen and facing danger it had all came to nothing. And then we were promised some money for the goblin, and despite us wading through all that shit and facing horrible monsters, it all came to nothing, again. So having thought about it, it probably wasn’t all Blume’s fault, unless she’s just plain bad luck, but I told her it was. And then I got so mad at her I threw the goblin pelvis on to the top of tent, and it hooked around the tent pole and stayed there. Then I ran off to the Half-measure.

Meanwhile, Dreamy and Willow were playing skittles. Dreamy was really good, but Willow managed to win one end, even if she couldn’t win the whole game. (If you could tell my mum that Dreamy played skittles with me, that would be nice, Mrs. Chard. He’s been looking after me very well, but he’s also entertaining me at things like that, and Dreamy asked me to ask you if you could tell my mum, just in case she doesn’t realise what a good job he’s doing. If he had a satisfaction survey, I would give him three smiley faces – Willow).

Then the mark arrived. He was a young lad, about seveteen, and plainly very wealthy. He arrived with a minder, who didn’t look too threatening, but was probably there to look after him, perhaps his version of Dreamy. He introduced himself to the card players as Albrecht Steinhaeger.

Albrecht was very friendly and seemed to be very excited about playing in a proper game of cards. He ordered a Brandy, and so Brandy made a joke about his name being Brandy, and then they had a good chat. They talked about trade, and Brandy told Albrecht all about the issues with foreign cheese taxation in the Mootland and how it leads to smuggling. Albrecht suggested they should just have a word with their Graf and exempt themselves from Imperial taxes, which is what Boegenhafen did. He seemed to think it had been a really easy thing to do.

Brandy told Albrecht about our journey to Boegenhafen and told him that we were currently living on the Berebeli in the harbour. Albrecht also wondered about why all the Halflings in the tavern were Shortbottoms, and so Brandy had to explain about our clan system. But then Brandy had to hurriedly excuse himself, with the trots, again, and introduced Albrecht to Willow.

Albrecht wondered why Willow wasn’t a Shortbottom but she explained that she did have a cousin in the tavern, but she wasn’t really related to all the other Halflings there. She asked if Albrecht had family in the tavern, but he said he had some in town. He said he knew lots of people. He didn’t know the people-people, but he knew lots of people-people. Just to check Willow asked him what he meant by that and he explained that although he knew a lot of people-people he didn’t know many people-people. Willow didn’t really know what to say to him after that, so they stood around awkwardly until Brandy got back.

Willow told Dreamy about Albrecht, and Dreamy had heard of the Steinhaegers. He knew they were a wealthy and influential merchant house based here in Boegenhafen who specialised in trading metals and furs from the mountains. He didn’t know what he’d meant by the people-people or by people-people though, and I have to admit to you, now, mum, as I have asked willow to write this, neither of us have a clue what he was talking about.

I got to the Half-measure and told Dreamy about what Malthusius had said. He didn’t know what to make of it either. I told him I thought that maybe the watch had been after the reward and killed a normal goblin and pretended it had three legs. I’m not sure that that made much sense, though. But we both knew that crossing the watch wasn’t a great idea so we needed to be careful with them.

And back at the Half-measure the game of cards began at last, and Brandy did his best to avoid running to the latrines during the hands. Brandy had been practicing cards, but he had had lots of Fuggleweed and was feeling ill. But even so, it seems that it should be quite easy to lose at a game that others are trying to win. And Albrecht really was very bad at playing, and he kept showing Brandy his cards and asking him what he should do.

Brandy lost the first hand, but accidentally managed to win the second. Then he lost a lot of chips on the third and suggested everyone go all in on the fourth game. Fortunately, he lost that game, and Albrecht thought he had won it, but then Philippe revealed his hand and won the entire pot. So that was a job well done for Brandy, but I think he was a bit sad that Albrecht, who seemed like a nice chap for a big, had lost all his money. I think he ended up losing about two hundred crowns, which is a lot of money, even if you’re rich.

Nevertheless, Albrecht seemed to have enjoyed himself, and thanked everyone for letting him play. But as he left, his minder gave them a dirty look. And then Brandy ran off for a shit.

Foxy and her gang thanked Brandy for helping with their game. I asked him if they had paid him for it, but he explained that it was just a favour and I said it was probably like helping your neighbour build his hen house. He wouldn’t pay you for it, but he’d give you the occasional egg.  And Brandy agreed that he’d probably be getting an egg from the Half-measure one day.

And soon we all headed back to the Berebeli, but Dreamy wasn’t very happy that Brandy had told Albrecht where we lived, especially within earshot of his minder. Willow suggested we could go round to their boat with some pies, like good neighbours, and that would make everything alright.

Back on the Berebeli, Brandy told Willow he wasn’t feeling very good, and he asked her if she had anything for it. He was so bad he didn’t even fancy a pie. Willow told him that a bit of fastin’ helps the fartin’, which is common knowledge in the Mootland. She told him that tomorrow she would go and see the herbalist at Schaffenfest, Elvyra Kleinestun, who had sold her the healing draughts, to see if she had anything that could help.

Meanwhile, Blume had spent all her money on beer in a beer tent at the Schaffenfest, and decided to climb up on top of the tent to get the goblin pelvis back. And she managed it without the tent falling down, and then she made her way back to the Berebeli.

She told everyone that I had thrown the pelvis away and that I had left her just like her father did. And she got very upset, saying she smelled like shit, felt like shit, and all she had to show for it was a bloody pelvis. So I was a bit sorry I had done it and thought maybe Blume wasn’t as bad as all that. Willow said that maybe she kept acting like this and rejecting our friendship because she in turn felt rejected by her family. And she offered Blume some Fuggleweed.

Willow told me to apologise to Blume, but I refused. Even though I was a bit sorry, I didn’t want to tell her that. So I suggested that maybe Blume could meet Albrecht, and though he wasn’t tall, dark, and handsome, he did have a lot of money. It didn’t matter that he was a lot younger than her, as Aunt Esme was 73 when she got married to a 30 year old Augustus Bottlefoot. To be fair, though, it didn’t turn out that well, as he was just after her farm, and Aunt Esme died about two weeks after the wedding. And then they hanged Augustus. So I’m not sure I was giving Blume the right idea.

Blume was starting to feel a bit ill, too. And so Willow got both her and Brandy a pie, and a damp cloth, and a cup of tea (I think I looked after them very well – Willow).

Because of Brandy’s troubles we all decided to sleep on deck that night. But we all got good enough sleep. In the morning, Willow and Dreamy headed off to the Schaffenfest while I made a full Reikland breakfast. Say what you like about big food, and we do, a full Reikland breakfast is a proper size meal for one of the breakfasts.

Willow and Dreamy found Elvyra and bought a tonic for Brandy and one for Blume. Willow was very careful to tell Elvyra how much she had been looking after them and Elvyra warned her to be careful of doing it too well or she would fall foul of Boegenhafen’s physicians’ guild, but I think that was a joke.

Then they picked up the pretend gun that Blume had paid the whittler to whittle for her, and apart from being much too light, it was a very convincing replica of a pistol. Then Dreamy picked up his leather jacket that he had had altered, and Willow made him try it on for her in the middle of Schaffenfest and gave him a round of applause and told him it was just like when she used to dress her dolls when she was a child. But I don’t think Dreamy appreciated it that much.

On the way back to the Berebeli they had the idea that they would try to trace our route along the sewers above ground to see if they could work out where the sewer monster lived. Dreamy is very good with numbers and things like that, and everyone knows Willow has a really good sense of direction, and so they made the perfect team for working it out.

They found the manhole we’d climbed down and then followed the route they imagined from there, going through all the little turns and things we had made in the sewer. And when they had traced their steps to where they thought the sewer monster lived, they found themselves standing in front of some smart offices on the Drei Ecke Platz. The offices were bedecked with a symbol of a barrel superimposed with a big letter ‘S.’  Dreamy knew that this was the coat of arms of the Steinhaeger merchant house.

When they got back Willow and Dreamy gave Brandy and Blume the medicine and Brandy said it did make him feel a bit better and he gave Willow a smiley face in her satisfaction survey, which she was pleased about. And then Dreamy told us all about their idea that the sewer monster lived under the Steinhaeger office.

This seemed a bit crazy to me. It seems that it would be very difficult to work out exactly where something in the sewers was by tracing it above ground, but Dreamy seemed quite sure of his calculations, so I asked him to walk me through it later.

So that’s where I will leave it for this letter, mum. I think we will be hanging around in Boegenhafen, tracing our sewer steps to the Steinhaeger office to see if we can see any signs of the sewer monster. I was going to recommend introducing Blume to Albrecht to see if she can marry him (and not kill him) but I’m not sure that would be a good idea if he keeps a sewer monster in his basement. But Brandy does need to meet Albrecht again this evening, so that might give us a clue to what it is all about, and whether the sewer monster even lives in his house, which I doubt.

So, you can see that we are keeping well, mum, and Willow is looking after us (Yes, I am – Willow), and Dreamy is looking after Willow (Yes, he is – Willow), and we’re all fine, so you don’t need to worry (No, you don’t – Willow). I have a feeling that all the strange things that were happening to us, are behind us now, and nothing like that will happen to us again. I will write again soon.