16: Guido

Hi mum, I know I said that nothing exciting would be happening to us again, after all the excitement in Boegenhafen. But that proved not to be the case. In fact, it wasn’t very long after we left Boegenhafen that we got in another bit of difficulty (Actually, Mrs. Chard, it was a lot of difficulty, for me at least – Willow).

So, Josef had pulled me out of the Boegen and picked everyone else up from the Ostendamm, and then sailed us out of town, downstream towards Weissbruck. I had thought that this was a bit clever for Josef, as he usually has a bit to drink of an evening, and I didn’t think he had paid that much attention to what we were up to in Boegenhafen, anyway.

We knew we had better leave Boegenhafen as soon as possible, what with Brandy being wanted for murder, and Willow being wanted for arson, and the rest of us for aiding and abetting, probably. But it turns out that Josef was taking advice from some character who had turned up in a tavern in Boegenhafen, looking for us. Josef said he had been dreaming about us and had been led there by the dream, or something.

It wasn’t very clear what Josef was talking about, and he might have had too much to drink. But anyway, Josef called the man up on deck to explain it to us in person. He was dressed in white robes, and carrying a long spear, and a nice sword. And his weapons were particularly shiny and well looked after, unlike my sword which was a bit damaged. And he looked a bit foreign.

The man introduced himself as Guido de San Morria, which didn’t sound like a real name, and said that he was from Estalia. Willow dropped my trousers to see to the shot wounds on my backside, just as Guido addressed us, and humans aren’t too keen on that sort of thing, if Blume is anything to go by, but Guido didn’t seem to mind.

He said he was a Myrmidian priest and a first eagle (he wasn’t a real eagle) which I think means he was just starting out in the cult. He said he had been sent a sign by Myrmidia that he should come and help us or defend us, or something. That didn’t sound very likely, as I’m not sure what Myrmidia would want with us.

From my limited understanding, she is the Estalian Sigmar, but as we were in the Empire, if any human god was interested in us, and they probably aren’t, then it would be Sigmar. Perhaps if Myrmidia sent Guido to look after us, then Sigmar sent us Blume, which doesn’t bear thinking about.

We asked him lots of questions, and Guido told us about his past in Estalia and all the places he had been. He said he had been to Estalia (fair enough, he is from there) and Tilea, and Bretonnia, and Marienburg, but I think he was showing off a bit. He said his father was a wealthy merchant who has lots of ships. Blume reacted a bit strangely to this. I think she couldn’t decide whether to be jealous, or to be hopeful of marriage.

He told us that because he was the fourth son there was no room in the business for him, so he had to go into academia, and study the art of war, and then he might become an advisor to a powerful noble and spread his family’s influence that way. And he told us that he wrote to his father a lot and told him what was happening, and that his father often wrote back, which seemed to annoy Blume. In fact, every time Guido said something about his family, Blume  seemed to butt in to say something similar about her own family, even if it wasn’t true.

When Blume was chatting to Guido, Willow interrupted to say she needed a private word about her illness, but Blume was trying to impress Guido, and told her to go away. And then Willow shouted out that it was about all her shitting, but I don’t think she did it on purpose to embarrass Blume (Actually I did do it on purpose to embarrass Blume, Mrs. Chard– Willow). In any case Blume told Willow she was no good at medicine and only ever kissed things better. But Willow assured Blume she wouldn’t be kissing her arse better. I’m not sure we made a great first impression on Guido.

In any case when Guido spoke to us halflings he seemed pleasant enough and quite friendly, but when he spoke to Blume he was, and I’m finding it hard to find the right word, let’s just say, oily. He even kissed her hand at one point, and Willow had to jump in with some health and safety advice and told him that as Blume had been shitting like mad all night he probably didn’t want to be kissing her wiping hand.

When Guido mentioned his mother had died that seemed to cheer Blume up, weirdly. And Guido even said he found Blume interesting and multi-layered, whatever that means. Guido did seem keen to find out which of us halflings were in charge of the others. And we just said it all depended on the situation and what was happening, but that didn’t seem to satisfy him.

I think, though, in the end, we had too many questions for Guido and there was too much we didn’t understand about him, and too much he didn’t understand about us, and he went off to the other end of the boat for some peace and gazed wistfully into the distance. But he did look quite cool doing it. And it meant he was on watch, so we could all get a good night’s sleep, which we all really needed.

Unfortunately, in the morning, Brandy told us that he had been thinking about his debt to the Lowhavens in Boegenhafen and said that it really didn’t do among halflings to not pay debts like that, and I’m sure he was right, but we were leaving Boegenhafen, anyway, so he didn’t need to worry about it. But Brandy said he didn’t want the Shortbottoms getting a bad name (It is a pretty bad name, but not as bad as Shitbottom – Willow), and so decided to go back to Boegenhafen.

And so we pulled over and let him off. We gave him a hug and wished him well, but Blume got really angry at him and called him all sorts of names and then flounced off. And I had thought they were becoming friends. Willow explained that this was because Blume felt rejected by her family, and so she saw Brandy leaving as a similar rejection. She said hurt people hurt people. I had a think about that but decided that Blume is just not very nice.

Anyway, I know we know have a bad reputation in Boegenhafen, and I said I never want to go there again, but perhaps we might head back that way one day, and go to the Half-measure, and bump into Brandy. And we can have a drink and reminisce about the mutants we fought on the road, and the time he and Blume fell in the sewer, and the strange stuff in the warehouse. Then we had scramborridge for breakfast to cheer us up a bit.

Josef told us he had some cargo to drop off at Weissbruck, and so as we were heading to Weissbruck, anyway, Willow said she would quite like to visit Elvyra, the herbalist, who she met at Schaffenfest and who had sold her the healing draughts and the arse tonics. She said she wanted to learn how to put any baddies to sleep, so we didn’t have to hurt them.

Josef was very tired, having stayed up all night sailing us through the dark. I don’t think it’s usually good practice to do that sort of thing, but we were anxious to get as far away from Boegenhafen as we could. And we didn’t hit anything, anyway. So Josef put me in charge. He said I was first mate, but as soon as he went to sleep, I was really captain.

So I spent that part of the journey making sure everything was ship shape and ordering people about. I run a tight ship and even Blume obeyed some of my orders. I found being in command of the Berebeli a bit challenging and it was a bit harder than Josef made it look, but I didn’t want him to have to wake up. So I ordered everyone about a lot, but I think I probably confused them (I did a tack – Willow).

As we were sailing Guido stood at the prow and did a thing where he laid out all his equipment, his sword, and armour, and spear. Then he cleaned them and then he put them all on, and stood around posing for a bit, or doing exercises, and then he put them all back again. It looked like posing, but it looked like exercises or training, but it looked a bit like a religious ritual as well. I’m not sure what it was, but it looked cool.

I’m not sure Dreamy was as impressed as I was, and really he should know. I think he thought Guido’s stuff was all a bit too shiny, and neat, and new, and it didn’t look like it had been on campaign or seen any battles. He thought he might be a typical priest who gets others to do the dirty work.

Willow went to ask Guido if he wanted any Fuggleweed. He didn’t know what it was but wondered whether it might be a drug and Willow said it was. Guido told her that only the weak and the lost were in need of such things and that he was neither weak or lost. Then he patted her on the shoulder rather patronisingly and asked her whether she was supposed to be on watch.

I think he must have thought better of that a bit later, though, because he went over and told her that he hadn’t meant any offense and that he didn’t mean everyone who used it was weak or lost, just that someone of them were.

Before Willow could answer, though, Guido spotted a body in the water, with a couple of crossbow bolts in its back. Willow had to admit that she should have spotted it, being on watch. But they signalled to me, and I did a rather good job, I think, of bringing the Berebeli around so that the body might be reached. And Dreamy hooked it with a boathook and pulled it aboard.

The deceased seemed to be a typical looking boatman and as well as the crossbow bolts, had a few stab wounds, and so had obviously been in a vicious fight. And the wounds were all still very fresh, so we knew the fight must have taken place close by.

Willow went through the body’s pockets to see if she could help with anything and managed to find a couple of pennies. I know a bit about the rules of the river, at least those rules of the  River Aver and the laws of the Mootland. And so I told everyone the rule is we should leave everything on the body and take it to the next boating inn or watch station and report it. That was my two pence worth, anyway. So Willow put the money back.

Blume was a bit unsure of this as we had just been in trouble with the law in Boegenhafen and if we stopped to talk to the river wardens then they might have got word of us, already, or would at least know where we were heading once they did. So she suggested we just tip the body back into the river and go on our way as if nothing had happened.

We hadn’t gone far when we spotted a boat, a bit like the Berebeli, on one bank. From its rigging, it looked like it had hit the bank accidentally and just stuck there, rather than being deliberately berthed. But there was no sign of anyone on board.

I took the Berebeli alongside as best I could, and Willow helped me with the tacking, and unfortunately, I managed to hit a rock or a sandbank, or something, but I don’t think I did any lasting damage. But it was enough to wake Josef up, and he came on deck wondering what I was doing with his boat.

I told him that it was all Willow’s fault. I’m sorry about that now, especially with the day Willow went on to have, but  as I was the first mate, and the acting captain, I didn’t want Josef to think his boat wasn’t in good hands (That’s alright, I know doing challenging things can be difficult – Willow).

Anyway, we got the Berebeli alongside but couldn’t see anything on board. Guido jumped over the gunwale and checked out the deck, while Dreamy nocked an arrow and Blume loaded her blunderbuss. And Willow hid in a coil of rope. I thought I had better do something too, so I just copied what Guido was doing, especially as he looked quite cool doing it.

Then we heard a very loud and strange squawk and turned to see some sort of large bird diving down towards Blume. And then we realised it wasn’t a bird but a bird-like mutant. The creature caught Blume by surprise and raked her body with its talons, smashing into her, making her drop her gun, and leaving her prone on the deck, very badly injured.

Dreamy managed to get a shot at it as it flew by and hit it, but then two more mutated creatures climbed up from the hold. One had a large beak and the other was extremely furry. Guido charged at the beaky mutant and hit it with his spear forcing it backwards. I had to deal with the furry one, and so I grabbed Blume’s blunderbuss but Blume said, ‘Don’t shoot me.’ I’m not sure why she would have thought I was going to do that. Anyway, I pointed it at the furry mutant and pulled the trigger.

It was amazing. First you hear the click of the trigger and the lock and then nothing seems to happen for ages, but it’s only a split second, and then you see the flames shooting from the barrel, and from the lock. Then you hear the huge noise like a thunderstorm, and then smoke billows all around you and you feel the force of the explosion push you backwards. I managed to catch the mutant right in the middle of the blast and it was blown backwards and left in a crumpled heap on the deck.  It was the best thing ever. I felt a bit sorry for the little furry man, though. For a long time I’ve been thinking about getting a nice brace of pistols, but now I think I want a blunderbuss instead.

Then the flyer thing made another pass and Dreamy shot it out of the sky, and it fell onto the deck, dead. And Guido pushed beaky down into the hold and closed the hatch. So it looked like we had dealt with everything.

Willow got out of her rope hide and saw to Blume’s wounds. And despite her saying earlier that all Willow could do was kiss things better, Willow did a very professional job on Blume’s wounds, and she was able to get to her feet.

But unseen by them, some bloated tentacled thing crawled out of the water behind them and up onto the deck. And the thing grabbed Willow and made to slither off back into the water, and I suggest it wanted to eat her (I don’t even want to think about it – Willow).

I gave Blume her gun back and grabbed onto Willow’s ankles. But even the two of us together were not as strong as the tentacle monster. It slithered over the side of the boat still holding onto Willow while she held on as tightly as she could to the gunwale. Dreamy took a shot at the creature, and managed to hit it, although it was quite a risky shot as there was  a chance he could have hit Willow. Guido ran over and stabbed the creature with his spear but it still held Willow fast with its many tentacles.

Then Blume loaded her blunderbuss and pointed it over the side of the boat at the creature. I think we could all see that with the blast of that weapon there was no way she could hit the creature without hitting Willow, but she fired anyway. And with that, Willow lost her grip on the gunwale, and I lost my grip on Willow,  and pulled down by the weight of the tentacle creature, she slipped under the water.

Dreamy immediately threw his bow to the side, pulled out his dagger and dived in after her. But the creature was too slimy to get a good hit on. And then Guido jumped in and started wrestling with the thing. Blume jumped in too, and I can say I was a little bit surprised that she did (I think it was very nice of her. And it was very nice of everyone – Willow).

Then I jumped in, too, and managed to slice one of the creature’s tentacles off with my dagger, and then we felt the thing’s grip on Willow slacken and it floated away lifelessly. And Willow managed to swim up to the surface and took a gulp of air.

We climbed back onto the deck, only to find the beaky mutant facing us with Blume’s blunderbuss. It pointed it at us and pulled the trigger, but it was still unloaded. And Dreamy and Guido soon saw to the already wounded creature.

Don’t worry, mum, Willow was perfectly alright after a few minutes to get her breath back. And so we were left on the deck of this strange boat and I think there’s nothing for it but to find out why it was overrun with mutant creatures and whether there are any more of them aboard.

So, there you have it, mum, another quiet day on the river. I’m beginning to think that we are fated to have strange things happen to us for our entire time in the Empire. Anyway I’ll write to you again if anything else happens, so I’m sure you’ll be hearing from me soon.