33: North

Hi mum, Guido’s being a bit annoying. I think he’s found his calling in chasing Etelka Herzen around the Reikland. I don’t disagree with this, and I think I suggested we should do it, but it seems like Guido has to turn it into a mission.

So, having rushed back to Grissenwald, Guido tossed off a letter to the cult of Shallya and went to find a professional courier to take it down to Kemperbad as quickly as possible. Willow suggested he just entrust the job to a hopeful messenger boy who was milling around on the dockside, but he didn’t want to (what could possibly have gone wrong – Willow). Anyway, I think it cost him twelve shillings which is a bit expensive, even for a first class stamp. Anyway, how are the girls?

Dreamy was concerned that we had left Black Peaks too soon and that perhaps there were things to be done in the mines and useful information to be gleaned. Guido told him that goblins were goblins, and that we couldn’t be expected to deal with every little greenskin that came our way. He said it was our task to cut the head off the serpent, and then he swished his cloak. I’m not sure what serpent he was talking about, but there was the drawing of what looked a bit like a serpent on the letter from Mr. Tzeentch. Guido said that if the dwarfs did the job by themselves then they might get some pride and self respect back, because that sort of thing was important to dwarfs, and I think he had a point.

I asked around the dockside after Herzen and her companion. I found a docker who seemed to know everyone and keep his eyes open. He knew who Herzen was, and said she was quite well known in the town, and he told me that she had left about five days ago with the other man. And that they had taken the ferry across the Reik and followed the road north. And that is exactly what you would do if you were heading for Kemperbad.

I bought the man a few drinks, but still felt like I owed him, and so I told him all about how the dwarfs were planning to take back Black Peaks from the goblins. I expect he found it interesting, but I’m not sure I should have been discussing the dwarfs’ business behind their backs. They are quite private, I think, and who wants to have their secret military plans discussed in dockside taverns?

Guido took Willow down to talk to the ferryman about Herzen, and their information tallied with mine (I wore my gutplate – Willow). We think weasel-face must have taken a Four Seasons carriage up to Black Peaks and then took Herzen’s horses back, or bought some horses in Grissenwald. Either way they had horses so would be able to travel a bit faster than Das Moot if they wanted.

I sent Blume out to get a new baking tray, and she found a pedlar and ended up getting a tray and a load of cutlery and some cups. This was to replace some of the stuff the annoying nobs had thrown overboard on our way to Grissenwald. This cost her a lot more than the shilling I had given her, but she paid for the rest out of her own money, which is something I wouldn’t expect of Blume.

She did end up getting refunded by Dreamy from the business account, but I was so impressed that I let her keep my shilling. She said that it turns out ‘being lovely does pay.’ Although I did wonder how long she could keep being lovely for. Anyway the cutlery was very nice, and I had a set with anchors on, and Dreamy had arrows on his (I had trees on mine – Willow).

Dumpling made supper, and I stuck around in the galley picking up cooking tips. You know I’m a decent cook, mum, but nowhere near as good as you, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I think Dumpling is almost as good as you.

Dumpling explained that the best cooking was done when you do things that the food isn’t expecting. I had not really thought of it in this way before, but it was very interesting, and I will try to cook more like her in future. If the food knows what temperature it is going to be cooked then, for some reason I didn’t quite catch, it will be ready for it. So it can be a good tactic to put the heat up really high, and then turn it down at the last moment, and vice versa. Or, if you’re seasoning, you get a big handful of seasoning but only put a little bit on, to confuse things. Or you can pretend not to put any seasoning on at all, and then surprise the food at the last moment by putting loads on while you’re distracting the food with a spatula. I’m not sure I understand it all, to be honest, and it sounded more like one of Guido’s strategy and tactics lectures than a cooking lesson but, the proof of the pudding was that her mutton and vegetable tarts were delicious.

I think we all spent so long enjoying our food that Guido got annoyed and insisted we go to bed so that we would be up early to chase Herzen, and he agreed to do the washing up just to get us to bed. Dumpling slept with us in the captain’s bed, but it was really uncomfortable because Willow couldn’t get her gutplate off (I got it off in the end, it has a buckle – Willow). And anyway, Dreamy stayed up to guard the boat for a bit because I don’t think he trusts the Grissenwalders.

As I was drifting off to sleep, I kept thinking about the letters we had found at Black Peaks, and when Willow had read one of the letters, it had been signed by Isaac Tzeentch. This is an unusual name and not one I have encountered in the Reikland, or the Mootland. Do you know any Tzeentchs, mum? There was that family who lived over the brook in Sauerapfel but I think they were the Titches.

Anyway, when Willow said the name, the sky seemed to darken and I got a bit tingly. I’m not sure what that was about, or what Mr. Tzeentch has to do with any of the nefarious, but even so I was sort of thinking of him as I fell asleep.

And, at first light, annoyingly, Guido woke us all up by strutting around the boat bashing my new baking tray with a spoon. We had a nice breakfast from Dumpling but Guido spoiled that a bit by rushing us. We set sail as soon as we could and Guido was keen to ask me about sailing through the night and how dangerous that might be, and I explained to him that it was against the Riverway Code, and it would be dangerous, especially as we didn’t have an experienced crew.

Anyway, I set a full sail on both masts and we were soon sailing as fast as we could. I bumped a fishing boat on the way, which the fishermen weren’t very happy about, but needs must. I’m not sure what sort of river warden that made me, though.

Then we approached the Virtuous Halfling, and I said we wouldn’t be able to stop to drop Dumpling off, because we were in such a hurry, but Guido said we could spare five minutes. Anyway, I only said it because I didn’t want Dumpling to leave. Her food was really good, and it made life a lot easier for me having a ship’s cook on board, especially if we were going to be doing such hard sailing.

Willow took Dumpling into the inn and spoke to the landlord and told him that their theme pub was very convincing (it wasn’t really – Willow) but was only let down by a lack of authentic cuisine, and that he should employ Dumpling as chef. The landlord could see the advantages and so agreed to take her on. And then after a brief hug, we were off again on the trail of Etelka Herzen, but without a chef.

The rest of the day was hard sailing with Guido telling me to go even harder. It looked like we would reach the Bloody Betty at about nightfall, which was going to be a problem. Blume had got the cask of Brandy’s brandy and made a Kislev cocktail out of it, and it was clear she intended to blow up the Bloody Betty. She asked me to tell her when we were approaching the inn, so I decided that it would be best if we stopped for the night before we got there. But Guido insisted we sail on even though I was bloody hungry.

So, Willow decided to distract Blume so she would not notice us sailing past the Betty, and agreed that Blume could make her up in the latest style. And that worked well and we sailed a couple of hours past the Betty without Blume disturbing us. It was difficult going but there was some moonlight from Mannslieb and Guido and Dreamy were both looking out. Guido said that he had been impressed by my perseverance, and said I had been moved by Myrmidia. I don’t think it was Myrmidia moving me, mum, just the wind and Guido’s nagging.

And then Willow emerged, and blimey, mum, if it didn’t look like she’d been dragged through Mrs. Appleton’s threshing machine backwards. She had her hair all stuck up like a thistle, and I don’t know what Blume had done with her eyebrows, but she had to draw them on with a pencil instead, and she had stuck some fake eyelashes on her eyelids, and she had drawn a strange lipstick shape on her mouth. It looked like she had an expression of pain or shock on her face (to be fair it was quite painful and shocking – Willow). And to add insult to injury, Blume had tried to pluck all the hairs off of her feet.

Dreamy offered to kill Blume for her but I’m not sure whether he was joking or not (I don’t think he was joking – Willow). But Willow said she liked it, but I don’t think she did (I’ve just got to get used to it – Willow). And Guido seemed to think it was a good look, and made Willow more sophisticated. He said it would be good for her to look her best at the interview she would be having at the temple of Myrmidia.

Then Blume found out we’d sailed right past the Bloody Betty and got angry about that. Guido tried to explain that she had already had her revenge, because he had dealt with the thieves and retrieved her purse, but that didn’t really placate her. So Guido agreed that the next time we passed the Betty we would consider whether we should bring the justice, then.

We continued sailing until about midnight, which was probably a little bit irresponsible. Blume caught a fish, but it looked a bit strange, and as we were quite near Castle Wittgenstein and it reminded us of the fish-man we had seen in the water there, we thought better of it, and threw it back. So Willow made some pork pies because I was too busy to cook. I’m not sure whether she was crying from the onions or because of the stuff Blume put on her eyes. And I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

But Guido woke us all up again at first light, banging the baking tray. He was hitting it a bit harder, too, as he said his injured arm was feeling a lot better. Blume had stayed up all night on watch, and Guido said he was impressed by her dedication, but she admitted to me that she only did it so she could get a good sleep during the day, and wouldn’t have to do any work.

Guido offered to make breakfast so that things would go more quickly, but I certainly wasn’t going to allow that. So I made the breakfast. I even brought some to Blume in bed, as she had been doing lots of helping recently, but I drew the line at blowing it cool for her. I’m not her nanny (neither am I – Willow).

Anyway, mum, a strange thing happened that I’m going to tell you about, now. You know I told you that I had been thinking about Mr. Tzeentch a lot. Well, when we set sail that morning and I was steering us away from the bank, I misjudged things quite a bit. And I suddenly noticed an overhanging branch was going to hit Guido and knock him into the water. I tried to steer away from it but couldn’t manage it. And before I knew what I was saying, I shouted out, ‘Mr. Tzeentch, save us!’ I’m not sure why. But the boat moved away at the last moment, and Guido was not touched. I don’t really know what that was about, mum.

I thought Guido would be all pleased because I stopped him from getting knocked into the Reik, but he got really angry. He said that if I value my soul I would never say that word ever again (hopefully, writing it in a letter doesn’t count – Willow). And I still don’t know who he is.

Anyway, we made good time again. And when we passed Castle Wittgenstein we were careful to steer as close to the far bank as we could, and most of the other traffic was doing the same. And we didn’t see any fish-men at all bobbing about.

We made it to the Poisoned Feast as it got dark and decided it would be a good, safe place to stop. Even though we knew how bad the food and the ale was, everyone except me went into the inn to see if there was any news. Dreamy said that the landlord’s warning about shenanigans at Castle Wittgenstein had seemed to be accurate so it was worth listening to what else he might have to say.

I stayed on Das Moot and made three pasties for everyone so that we would have enough food for the next day without having to stop. I tried out some of Dumpling’s cooking advice but I’m still not sure what benefit there is to creeping up on the food and surprising it.

Blume asked if the inn had any bottles spare, as I think she is getting carried away with her Kislev cocktail idea, and wants to make a load of smaller ones instead of one big one, which might be a little bit safer to have on Das Moot, but not much. Luckily they didn’t have any.

Willow managed to buy something for her eyes though. Having the fake eyelashes and all that coloured stuff on it was really making them itch and I think she might have an infection. It came in a bottle, so she said Blume could have it when she was done.

Guido quizzed the landlord, in the name of the blessed lady of all that is righteous, on whether Herzen and her sidekick had come this way. But I think his manner is so self-important that it just makes people not want to help him. But I think it makes sense that they didn’t stop at this inn, as it is some way off the main road.

So, when he didn’t get much of an answer from the landlord, Guido picked on a table of locals and asked them the same thing. I think they were a bit confused about which blessed lady he was talking about. To be fair to them, us halflings just have Esmerelda, but the humans have any number of blessed ladies all over the place, so I don’t blame them for not knowing he was talking about Myrmidia. And then he swished his cloak and left which was about as much excitement the clientele of the Poisoned Feast have had for a while, probably.

Dreamy had a quiet word with the landlord who told him that he had heard that Crown Prince Wolfgang hadn’t left Castle Reiksguard in weeks and people were saying he is scheming for the throne. And no one had seen or heard him since the edict about the mutants was announced.

Guido got talking to Willow about when she would join the cult of Myrmidia, and I think although she wants to be a physician (I do want to be a physician – Willow), I’m not sure she really follows Myrmidia that devoutly, or at all. Guido told her that she would have to impress the cult elders, if she was to be admitted, but Willow said there were higher powers than them, which I don’t think Guido liked. Anyway, I wasn’t there so I don’t really know what they were talking about, so I don’t know why I’m bothering writing it to you, mum (I’m actually writing it – Willow).

Anyway mum, that’s enough for tonight, because we’re all very tired as, as you have heard, Guido is driving us very hard to get us to Kemperbad as soon as possible. I think we have made such good progress we should get there tomorrow and we will have saved nearly a whole day. But Herzen and her weasel-faced acquaintance will still be at least four days ahead of us. I will write to you soon to tell you if we ever catch them. It’s getting exciting, isn’t it?