45: Castle Wittgenstein

Hello Mum. I know you said it was important to take folk as we find them and only judge them by what they do. And I know that’s true. And I know everyone disliked the Bilberries of Barliton, and even hated them because they would only ever hand out rotten apples in Apple-week. And I met Josias Bilberry and he turned out to be a pleasant chap, and in any case, said he didn’t approve of the rotten apple thing, and gave me a nice red one, well, anyway, I really hate rat-folk. I don’t care if I’ve never met them before, or they’re giving out the nicest red apples. I hate them all. And, as you can probably guess, mum, I met some more of them (I even stabbed one – Willow).

Remember, Guido was just opening the door to the Great Hall of Castle Wittgenstein. It turned out to be unlocked. And behind the door there was no one to be seen. It all seemed a bit too quiet. The room was grand but dusty and we could see any number of family portraits hanging on the walls, with the now-familiar Wittgenstein look about them. There was only one door in the room but two grand staircases leading upwards.

There was a large dining table set out for a feast, but it was covered in dust and the food was all rotten. It was a waste of what had probably been good food, once. Despite the filth and the mess it was plainly a place of great wealth, and I spotted an old but well made telescope on one of the tables, and it seemed a shame that, as a ship’s captain, I didn’t have one of those, so I took it. And Blume grabbed a hand mirror. I imagine I will have almost as much fun looking through my telescope as Blume will have looking at herself.

Dreamy went to check out the door, and he said he could hear a low buzzing noise behind it. He said it sounded a bit like bees. But judging by the birds in the aviary, we didn’t want to meet any bees. So he pushed a table in front of the door, just to stop anyone surprising us.

Guido was about to climb the stairs when he heard a polite coughing, and a butler sort of fellow appeared from behind the stairs. He was very old, and his clothing was out-dated, but it bore the Wittgenstein coat of arms. Surprisingly, he welcomed us and offered us refreshments. I could see that Guido was in one of his moods and demanded to know where the man’s mistress was. But the butler just told us that dinner would be served at eight, which was quite a ways off, even if we did want their awful food. Guido drew his sword and told him that it was his last chance, and that he should tell us where Lady Magritte was.

To be honest, I don’t think the old fellow was all there so I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t answer, but that was enough for Guido, and he cut his throat, and the butler’s body dropped to the floor. I could see that Willow was very shocked at this (he didn’t do nothing – Willow), and I was shocked, too, and I think even Dreamy was a bit surprised. It seemed like Guido was getting too carried away.

But Guido shouted, ‘that’s what happens to followers of Chaos,’ and when the body had fallen to the floor, and rolled over, we could all clearly see that his previously hidden arm was a mutated giant claw. I was relieved that Guido had cleverly spotted it before us and wasn’t just in a panic, killing innocent old men for no reason.

And then we noticed there was a flight of stairs leading downwards into darkness. Guido grabbed a torch from the wall, and said that the followers of the dark gods thrived in dark places and so we should go down to root them out. And he ordered Dreamy to scout ahead.

We waited for a bit, until Dreamy called us down. It had been very smelly before, but now it was really rank (it reminded me of being back on the boat – Willow). We opened the first door we came to and inside were loads of barrels of wine and brandy. It looked like that they might be good, expensive brandies, and as we were sort of experts on brandy, these days, we thought we might try them to see whether they measured up to our cargo. But Guido told us to stop chatting about drinks, and follow him.

So we went to the next door. I think Dreamy heard something strange coming from the room, and so Guido said a prayer before we opened it. And inside was a strange sight. There was a creature in a filthy bed, and it looked a bit like the ogre friend Willow had made (he was called Thumm – Willow), but he was all green, and he had orange hair. And he didn’t look like a real ogre because he was all lean, and everyone knows ogres are fat. But he seemed pleasant enough, and greeted us. We all stayed quiet and waited for Willow to talk to him.

But then we noticed that he was gnawing on a bone, and the bone looked like it was the remains of a human leg. Guido said he was here to educate him in the ways of Myrmidia, which I think means sword him to death. And he charged at him. I thought Willow would have been upset about this, because she likes ogres, but I’m not sure she likes green man-eating ones.

Anyway, the Ogre managed to avoid Guido’s blow, but Dreamy was ready to join in because I expect they had been chatting in their battle language, again, and had it all planned. But even Dreamy missed, then Blume fired her gun, and missed. So, I think he must have been a very lucky ogre. But I managed to hit him with my sword, but I know it takes a lot more than a single slash from a sword to stop most ogres.

And then he turned on me and tried to hit me with his axe, but he just missed, and Guido said that was because Myrmidia was protecting me, and it did feel a bit like that, but it’s hard to tell. But then Guido hit the creature with his sword, and Dreamy with his, and then Blume shot him, and I hit him again, and he fell dead. I’m not sure, but I think he was another evil and twisted creature from the castle and deserved to die, probably (it’s necessary to root out the rotten apples – Willow).

Then Dreamy went on ahead again, through the door at the end of the ogre’s room, and came to a corridor. And off that corridor was a door which was marked with a skull and crossbones, and it had been nailed shut. We decided that door was shut for a very good reason and not to even try to open it.

Then he came to another door. Perhaps I should try to give a better description of where all the doors were, but to be honest, I was getting a bit disoriented and confused down there. And Willow, who usually has a good sense of direction, couldn’t tell us where we were either (you can’t navigate by the stars, if you can’t see any stars – Willow). Anyway, Dreamy also spotted a circular staircase going down, and we hoped that it might be the other end of the staircase I had spotted near the watergate.

Dreamy told us there was muttering coming from behind the door, and so Guido said another prayer, but when he finished it, he looked a bit perturbed like Myrmidia hadn’t been listening or something. And Blume complained that she only had three shots left. I had four, and I still felt a bit guilty for not buying any more when I bought the new guns in Kemperbad, so I gave her one of mine, and, of course, she complained about that, too.

Then we opened the door to discover an awful room, that looked like it was there only to torture prisoners. There was a rack, an iron lady, and a brazier with pokers on. And there was an iron cage hanging from the ceiling, with an emaciated man locked inside it.

Willow said hello to him and handed him a bottle of cheap wine she’d found. The man explained that he was a guest of Lady Ingrid, and asked if we had come to tea. Willow shook her head at Guido as if to say here is another rotten apple. To be honest mum, I think Willow is getting a bit picky about her apples.

Anyway, the man was very polite but seemed to think he was in a posh inn, or somewhere like that, rather than a filthy torture chamber. I asked him about Margritte and he told us that she was Ingrid’s daughter. And he asked us to say hello to Ingrid for him, when we saw her. I wondered whether he had been tortured so much his mind had gone, but at least he seemed content. We thought about trying to release him but decided that having him wandering about might alert the guards, or something, and so we resolved to come back and release him when we could (don’t get your hopes up for him, Mrs. Chard – Willow). Then Willow burnt some moonflower and put it in his cage to help him sleep.

We found another door, and behind that was a prison with four cells. In one cell there was an agent of the Imperial excise, and in another, five villagers were huddled. I asked the tax collector what he was doing, and he said he had come to collect taxes from the Wittgensteins a few months ago and they had just thrown him in jail. We wondered whether we could let these out, and in the end we decided we would, provided they were quiet and didn’t run off and alert the guards.

So Blume and I went back to look for a key, that we thought would probably be in the ogre’s room. Blume said that when we cleared the castle of all the nefarious then she would be able to move in. I’m not sure that could happen, but I said I would visit her in Das Moot, if she did, and she said I would have to pay for berthing. So, it turns out, even in her wildest daydreams, Blume is still a bit mean.

As we were letting all the villagers out, Willow noticed some writing on a slab in one of the cells. It said ‘To Hermann’s Hermitage.’ We didn’t know who Hermann was and it seemed like a strange thing to scratch on a rock in a cell. Anyway, I had a look at the slab and it sort of moved a bit, and so I was able to pull it away, and behind it there was a gap in the wall leading to what looked like a secret passage going into darkness.

Guido told me to check it out, and so I followed it for a way, and it came to an end, but I found a similar slab there and removing that, I found it joined another passageway. I followed that one to the right and after a while it ended too. There were certainly lots of passageways and secret slabs about.

I pulled that slab away, and it seemed to emerge into a square chamber, but as I did, I could hear some strange squeaky voices, and so I quickly put the slab back and left. I followed the passage the other way, and there was another slab, and removing that one I could see part of the corridor we had gone down earlier, and the spiral staircase we had found. So I put that slab back too, but made a note that that might be a good way to escape, later, if we needed to.

When I got back Guido asked me about my reconnaissance, but I don’t think I gave him the sort of answers he wanted. I’m not trained military, I was just a little halfling wandering around some caverns. Anyway, I think if he’d wanted a proper reconnaissance, he should have asked Dreamy to do it, as he is a professional.

But I led everyone to the chamber, even the villagers followed us, but as we got close I heard the squeaky voices and remembered I’d forgot to mention them earlier, and then I let Guido and Dreamy get in front of me. Before they entered the chamber, Guido said another prayer and the squeaky voices suddenly stopped. But Guido was making such a noise in his armour the squeakers probably heard that. And by the time Guido squeezed through the gap, into the room, it was empty.

But there was a lead-lined casket in the middle of the chamber. And that was empty too. There were some steps leading up out of the chamber, but also there was a tunnel leading downwards, and that tunnel looked very new, and dust was still billowing around it. And in the dust we could see lots of large, rat-like footprints.

We realised what had happened and rushed for the tunnel entrance. This was a bit annoying. To think we had gone half way round the Empire and up and down the Reik, only to miss the magic moon rock by a few minutes. Had I been brave enough to check out the room, then perhaps I could have got to the rock before the rat-people. On the other hand, mum, perhaps if I had got there a bit earlier, they would have just killed me and taken the rock anyway. So, I can’t decide whether it was very good luck or very bad luck.

Anyway, Dreamy, Willow, and I ran into the tunnel and pursued what we were now pretty sure were rat-men, while Guido and Blume had to take their time squeezing through the narrow gap. After a short way the tunnel opened into a natural fissure and we could see five large rat-men scurrying away. They were trying to squeeze through another arrow gap to make their escape and as we approached, two of them blocked our way, buying time for their rat-mates.

Willow quickly smeared some Juck on my blade which she said would annoy the rat-men (only about ten minutes after you stab them – Willow). But Dreamy grabbed Willow by the collar and pulled her away and told her to go and fetch Guido. Then he threw his bow away and drew his sword. But the rats stood up well to his charge.

I charged in, too, and as I did I remembered the giant rat-man in the Barren Hills who had nearly killed me, and I was consumed by rage, mum. I really wanted to kill all the rat-men, and before I knew what I was saying, I was calling to Mr. Isaac Graksk to help me slay the vile rat-men and all their kin. He wasn’t much use, though, because I missed and damaged my sword on the rocky ground.

Willow reached Blume and Guido, and I think Blume was giving the tax collector directions back to our boat, which seemed a bit presumptuous. But I guess it was better than having him wander around the castle telling everyone where we were. And Willow told them to come and fight the Hombres Rata.

By now two of the rat-men had disappeared through the crack in the fissure, and I suspected they were the ones with the moon rock, so it looked like we would never get it. We kept fighting their guards but we couldn’t break through and by the time Guido and everyone arrived, another rat-man had escaped.

Then one of the rat-men hit me with a huge blow and sent me to the ground. I scrabbled about on the floor and managed to get a bit of a hit back, but I couldn’t do much. I really hate rat-men. Willow ran to me, and tried to treat my wound, but she couldn’t do much, and then Guido reached me and stood over me, and told everyone it was time to retreat.

But seeing me go down, Dreamy got really mad and chased one of the rats through the gap and attacked it wildly. Dreamy is usually quite calm on the battlefield having been there and done that, wherever there is and whatever that was. But I have seen him react wildly, especially when he was worried about Willow, and I think he thought I may have been dead, and he reacted that way again. It was all very confusing down there in the narrow darkness, and all very chaotic. I imagine rat-men, like rats in the sewer, feel at home in places like that though, so that is why they were able to fight so well down there. But Dreamy had lost his composure and his attacks were not hitting anyone.

The final rat thing stood over me and stabbed at my prone and helpless body. And before I could think what to do, I was praying, again, to Mr. Graksk, and there was a flash of light (or I might have imagined that) and the rat-man’s blow which was destined to finish me off, somehow deflected away. And then Willow was standing over me and she stabbed the rat-thing with her dagger and it backed away. I think she probably saved me (sometimes you have to fight to be a halfling – Willow).

Then, from deep within the cave system, we heard a terrible crashing noise, and the ground seemed to shake. I thought the rat-things’ tunnel might be collapsing and we saw a greenish cloud billowing out of the tunnel coming towards us. And Willow stuffed something in my mouth, which made me feel a little bit more alert, but my wounds still hurt (it was Salwort – Willow).

Guido reached into the narrow fissure and managed to grab Dreamy and pull him back towards us. Dreamy was still flailing wildly, and Guido shouted at him to control himself. We could hear Blume shouting, too, from behind us telling us to get out of there, quick. And dust and rocks began to fall around us. It felt like we might be buried under Castle Wittgenstein, forever.

Then Dreamy saw Willow, and I think that brought him to his senses, more than Guido’s shouting, and he ran to her and began to lead her out of the tunnel, and Willow was trying to help me out. I couldn’t really move, however, but I knew that if we did not get out of there quickly, we would be buried alive. And so I prayed to Mr. Isaac again and I promised him that if he let me get out alive then I would do whatever he wanted. And sure enough, I managed to get to my feet and run back up the tunnel towards the dungeons. Or maybe it was just adrenaline in the face of certain death that got me moving, but a promise is a promise.

Anyway, when we got to the dungeons Blume was hiding under a table, but I didn’t think that was going to help much, so we headed for the staircase, and the villagers all followed us. As we descended the stairs the entire cliff side seemed to be moving around us, but thankfully, the stairs did lead to the water gate, and when we got down there, Das Moot was still afloat. And as we boarded her, a big chunk of the cliff side fell away taking the portcullis with it.

And as rocks fell into the water around us, it caused a wave that helped us drift our of the cavern and towards the Reik. And even before I could get us ship shape the boat was drifting downriver like it knew how to keep us safe.

And as we continued sailing down the Reik, we looked back to see the walls of the castle tilt, and crumble and fall into the river and then the great hall began to collapse, too. And then the entire cliff fell away so nothing at all remained of Castle Wittgenstein.

So that’s that, mum. We didn’t find the moon rock. It looks like the rat-men have taken it to Isaac knows where. I’m not really sure what we will do next. Perhaps we should go to Altdorf or Nuln and sell our brandy as we had originally planned. Talking of the brandy, it looks like the Wittgenstein guards stole one of our casks, and they chucked nearly half of the books we rescued overboard.

Strangely, mum, I had called on Isaac to help me three times in a few minutes. I’m not sure why, and I feel a bit weird about it, but I think he did help me. In fact, I don’t think I would have survived the day without him. Willow is supposed to be looking after that sort of stuff, but the last two times I have been injured, she had been unable to help (I tried my best – Willow). If she won’t help me, then I need to find a friend who will, even if he is imaginary.

But actually, as proved by that letter we found, he is real. As we know from the letter, he lives in Middenheim, so perhaps I should go there to see him. Who knows, maybe I will meet him one day, and I can thank him for saving me. I wonder whether he even knows about me, perhaps he does. Perhaps he can see everything I do and say, and he is looking out for me. Who knows?

I’m not sure how many people died when the castle was destroyed. And even if some innocents did die, like the man in the cage who we didn’t have time to rescue, and the villagers in the outer bailey, and all the outlaws who agreed to help us storm the castle, I can’t help thinking that it is probably a very good thing that the castle is gone and there are no more Wittgensteins ruling over Wittgendorf and spreading all their nefarious. And we did manage to save five of the villagers, and the tax collector, and they are with us in Das Moot as we write this, so that is something. Anyway, mum, I’ll let you know what we decide to do next, once we make up our minds.