46: The Tax Collector

Hello mum, I’m sorry this letter is a bit late, but I’ve had a few other things to do. Anyway, if you remember in the last letter I told you how we escaped from Castle Wittgenstein as it collapsed around our ears. I think I was so relieved, and I had exerted myself so much, dragging myself to my feet, even though I was so badly injured, and running down all those steps, that once I knew Das Moot was safe, mum, I simply collapsed. And I spent the rest of the day and night unconscious, in the captain’s bed. Who knows how the crew managed to navigate downstream safely while I was unconscious but I suspect it had more to do with Dreamy than with Blume (Dreamy did it – Willow).

Obviously I wasn’t awake, mum, but here is some of the stuff that happened on our first day’s travel back to Altdorf, that I sort of pieced together. Willow made a lot of excuses about how she wasn’t able to treat me properly when I was wounded. She said that I was very sweaty, and that made me too slippery to treat. Can you believe that, mum? You know I don’t sweat any more than the average halfling, don’t you (you are a bit sweaty – Willow). And when Guido went to check on me, he said that Willow had tied the bandages wrong, anyway, but that was forgivable considering the castle was falling down around us at the time. He even said that perhaps she shouldn’t join the Myrmidian priesthood, after all (Guido tried to heal you, and he couldn’t do it, either – Willow).

After about an hour of sailing Dreamy decided it would be best to moor up. Apparently there was a bit of a bang when he hit the bank, but I checked it later and there was no damage at all, so it must have been a good landing. Sometimes when I order my crew to sail Das Moot I get the impression that they are not paying much attention but Dreamy must have been.

We kept guard for the rest of the evening and during the night because we were still quite close to Castle Wittgenstein. The villagers that we had rescued wanted to go back to Wittgendorf but we wouldn’t let them, just in case they told any remaining soldiers where we were. We intended to let them go in the morning, but I think the way they had been treated, they weren’t that sure what we were going to do with them.

The tax collector, who was called Gustav, offered to pay us the going rate to take him back to Altdorf, and as we had always intended to head to Altdorf, we would probably have taken him for free. But it was nice to get some money for it. He did ask for our assurances that we had been paying the required tax, however, and that made us a bit nervous. Remember mum, I was still unconscious at this stage, I’m just telling you what they told me. And he offered to work out our taxes for us, so we would know how much we needed to pay, which was probably a double-edged sword, or as we say in the Mootland, a cow with two arses.

During the evening, Willow patched the villagers up and did what she could for them (I guess they weren’t as sweaty as me). And she made everyone beans, eggs, and barley, which is better than it sounds.

And then she entertained everyone with a poem that she wrote about her adventures flying, which went like this:

Creaking bones, I heard a coming!

Stuck in box, I had to think of something.

So out I jumped quick as hare

And I ran to top of stair

I found myself in a room

It was dark dusty and full of gloom

I heard a voice ‘get out of here’

Right to my core, struck with fear

My only exit, through the window

But the ground were far, far below.

So I too a sip from mysterious vial,

To save me from being a crumpled pile.

I smashed through shards of glass,

I hoped I wouldn’t fall on my arse

I got the powers of aviation,

to get away from that abomination

This reminded Dreamy to have a quiet word with Guido about leaving Willow in a box surround by animated skeletons, and Guido said it was safest place for her, probably, until he remembered that the entire castle had fallen down, and then he didn’t know what to say about it. And so everyone had a quiet evening moored up in the middle of nowhere being very careful to keep watch, but nothing at all happened, and in the morning I woke up.

I was still feeling pretty awful, but at least I was alive and away from Castle Wittgenstein. Willow brought me some medicinal tea which didn’t taste very nice (that’s how you can tell it’s doing you good – Willow). I also woke up a bit itchy, and discovered I had lice. I’m not sure where I caught it (I don’t know either – Willow), but Willow had it too, and so I suspect the captain’s bed is now riddled with lice.

And we said the villagers could leave and they were surprisingly keen to go back to their village even though it was a dump and Willow gave them a bit of a speech telling them to remember the good times and look to the future to rebuild their lives. Then we gave them some food and Guido told them that we might be heading up the River Narn soon, which I think in the military is what they call misdirection.

Gustav was asking a lot of questions. He wanted to know how we had destroyed Castle Wittgenstein, but Guido insisted that it was the rat men that did it, and you could tell that because of the strange green mist we had seen coming up through their tunnel. Then Guido called a meeting, on the captain's balcony where Gustav couldn’t hear. And Willow leant him her book on the identification of flora to give him something to read while we were having our meeting.

In the meeting we decided we wanted to get to Altdorf as quickly as possible so Guido could hand his books over and we could sell the brandy. And we decided not to stop in Kemperbad because we thought that was where the purple people who were after Blume would be. And we said not to say too much to Gustav about what we had been doing. And Blume said that all tax collectors were criminals and Dreamy warned her not to upset him, because he could make us pay, if we did, so we should do our best to stay on his good side.

We barely had enough food to get us to Altdorf, but because we didn’t want to stop in Kemperbad, Guido said we should tighten our belts, which is not a thing that halfling like doing, but I suppose if we didn’t stop along the way then less could go wrong. And so that was the meeting. And I expect Guido wrote down the minutes.

Willow showed all her bits to Gustav, but I don’t think he was that impressed with her herbs and stuff. But she asked him if he wanted to make dream catchers, and I’m not really sure he understood what that was about, but he said he might, then she tried to get him to have some fuggleweed but he didn’t want that either.

Gustav asked her about all the books. And she explained that we had found them and we were going to give them to the temples in Altdorf, which I think he was a bit suspicious of. I don’t think tac collectors think about just giving things away, like that. He wondered whether Willow had a list of all the books, but she explained that she was darning socks the day the list was made. And so Gustav wanted know who had the list, but willow said there wasn’t one. And he said that she had just said that she was darning socks the day the list was made, and she explained that that was why there was no list. Which I think confused him a little (I’m confused and I said it – Willow).

Then Gustav came to talk to me, which I had been expecting, but it still made me a bit nervous. He asked me about all the trading we had been doing, but I had to explain that even though I was the captain I didn’t really know anything about that and he should talk to Dreamy. He asked if Dreamy had all the accounts written down and I said he had them all in his head. He seemed to think that it was his right to ask whatever questions he liked and we had to answer them, which sort of made us want to answer them. And I think we were all a bit frightened about what an official tax collector might be able to do to us.

So then Gustav went to talk to Dreamy. And Dreamy ended up telling him everything about all our cargos, and how we found the boat with wool on it, and sold the wool in Altdorf and bought some wood, and then we sold the wood in Kemperbad and bought fine brandy, and that we’d been sailing up and down the Reik for weeks without being able to sell it, and that was why we were going to Altdorf. But you know all this mum, don’t you, because I have told you all about it in my letters.

Anyway, like I said, Gustav had a way of making you tell him stuff, and so Dreamy told him everything. But in the end, as you say mum, honesty is the best policy. And in the end Gustav said that what we were doing with the books was commendable and that if we needed any help with them in Altdorf then he would do his best for us. And I wasn’t expecting that. I was expecting him to make us pay a load of tax on them.

And Willow asked him what he meant by help and he said help to move them, as a token of his appreciation for being saved from the Wittgensteins. She said she though he might have meant tax, but he explained that books were zero rated so we didn’t have to pay anything on them.

Then we got to the Bloody Betty and Blume got mad again and insisted that we had said that the next time we went past it, she was allowed to fire bomb it. Which I think is true, but we still didn’t want to let her do it. And then we got into a big argument about it, and Blume told Gustav her long story about everything that happened at the Bloody Betty, and by the time it was over, we had sailed past it.

And in the end Gustav ended up making a dream catcher with Willow, so I suppose he was alright after all (and he gave me the dream catcher as a gift – Willow).

And at dinner, Guido decided we had to open the brandy (not the good stuff) and have a drink with Gustav. He said that was how you dealt with tax collectors in Marienburg, but I think the Reikland tax collectors are a bit less corrupt than that.

Then we asked Gustav about the mutants at the castle and what he thought about them, which was a bit of a trick question. And so he said that mutants were bad and needed to be got rid of. And then we revealed that mutants didn’t exist because of the emperor’s decree, and Gustav looked a but worried about that, and after a bit of thought, said he wasn’t able to take an official position on it until he found out more about it.

And then Willow told Gustav about the moon rock, I’m not sure why she did that (because he seemed nice – Willow), and Dreamy and Guido had to quickly change the subject. Then Gustav said that, to be frank, whatever was in the castle was evil and we had saved him and destroyed it, and so when there was an investigation, he would be saying that, and he would be sure to explain that we were the ones that put an end to the evil. And Guido said that we had done what little we could, but we hadn’t actually destroyed the castle.

Guido told him that we were good people, who just wanted to do the right thing, except for Blume who was a spoilt narcissist. Unfortunately, Blume had been sat quietly drinking her brandy and Guido had forgot she was there, so when she heard that she got mad and threw her brandy in Guido’s face and stormed off to her room. And then Guido had to go to his room to change his shirt, which was all a bit awkward because they shared a room.

And that night I had a much nicer sleep, mum, and woke up feeling much better. Willow offered to show Gustav the bilge, although, to be honest, there is not much to see. But while they were down there, she asked him about what he was doing in Castle Wittgenstein. He told her that the Wittgensteins had owed about five years worth of taxes, and whenever they were asked they just fobbed the excise off with some stories. Which is sort of normal for noble families, but most noble families know to give at least a little bit, if not all they should, but the Wittgensteins weren’t giving anything so he had to go down there and demand it.

Then Willow asked if he had met the emperor, and Gustav said that he had, and when asked if he was nice, he said ‘his imperial highness has our best interests at heart,’ which it seems to me, is exactly what you would say. I imagine that you would say Granny Floribunda has the best interests of Sauerapfel at heart, wouldn’t you mum, unless you’d had a few.

Then Gustav had a talk with Blume, and asked her what she did. She mentioned the family business, and I was sort of surprised that Gustav had heard of it. I was beginning to assume that Blume had just made it all up, even though it was a pretty sad story to make up. But Gustav said he had heard that the Hoffnung Trading Company had dissolved a few years ago, but Blume said that it was still gong strong but had relocated to the Spice Islands, which he had never heard of. But Blume said he would if he had a map. (I’ve got lots of maps but I’ve never heard of them either, mum). And then she started going on about how big her family’s boats were, again. Gustav said he would be expecting the Hoffnung yearly reports, soon, then.

Then we moored at the Dwarf King’s Gift which is one of Willow’s favourite inns because they have lots of herbs, and the tarrabeth grows like weeds.

It was a nice inn, and very comfortable, but I remembered that the last time we were here the fish stew wasn’t very good, and so after our beer we decided to go back to the boat for supper. And Blume caught some fish, Willow found some river lettuce, and Guido found some river winkles, and I made a stew. It tasted just as bad as the stew at the inn, and so I think it is probably the local fish that is the problem, and not their chef.

And before bed Willow spent ages combing all our hair because she had given us all lice, but I think she got rid of them all because I’m not itching as much, now. And we all slept on the boat and set up a watch but it felt pretty safe near the inn, and we were already a long way from Castle Wittgenstein. And I worked out we were only a couple of days from Altdorf.

First thing in the morning, Guido did his usual training, and Dreamy joined him for their sparring, and Gustav came up to watch them, and they managed to convince him to have a go at sparring, too, and he did alright, but you don’t expect high ranking tax collectors to be good at fighting.

The day was pretty uneventful, which is a god thing, these days, and that evening we stayed at the Spirit of Luitpold. That was a nice inn too, and it was decorated with lots of nautical things, so perhaps the landlord had been a sailor. The inn was named after the Emperor Luitpold which was a luxury yacht, which was named after the current Emperor’s father. There were some impressive paintings of big naval battles on the walls, and there was a ship in a bottle (I never know how they do that).

And we had Kuri for dinner, which was a strange foreign food, mum, and it was really hot, and it made me sweat (I said you were sweaty – Willow). But it was really, nice, it did make you want to buy another beer, though, because it was so hot. And that’s that. We are less than a day from Altdorf, so in my next letter, I will tell you what happens when we get there.