65: Siegfried Prunkvoll

Hi mum. I didn’t have a very good sleep, to be honest. I kept seeing snakes in pink fire, and then the snakes had big eyes, a bit like the eye monster we saw in Boegenhafen. So I went to sleep in the wagon, but that wasn’t any good, either. So I went up to the watch station in the Field of Martials and waited for them to open.

After a while, Guido and Dreamy turned up to do their exercises, but I didn’t bother talking to them. Dreamy was practising his archery as it was the last day of the archery tournament, and Guido was doing a new exercise, which involved having two swords at the same time, which I thought was probably a bit useless, as everyone knows a sword and shield is better than two swords, or two shields. Just like a cock and a hen.

Meanwhile Blume had woken up, mostly because Willow had dragged all her bedclothes onto the floor, and gone to Otto’s Printworks. She handed in her draft of the pamphlet and Otto told her it would be ready in about five hours. She asked about getting someone to do an etching of her to go on the cover, but Otto said she had to find her own etcher, and meanwhile they stuck with the etching that wasn’t her. Otto said it didn’t look like her because it didn’t have a thick enough neck or a big enough nose, and I don’t think Blume took it that well, even though she does have a thick neck and a big nose (in a good way).

While Guido was sparring with Dreamy he realised that he had forgotten to drop his edits off at the printworks, so he rushed down to the Wynd with his manuscript. Before leaving he gave Dreamy some encouragement about beating Allavandrel in the archery tournament, but then he said Allavandrel was a good ally and he might get upset if Dreamy were to beat him (that’s what we call, in the river wardens, mixed signals, mum).

When Guido got there, Otto told him that Blume had already brought her manuscript in, and so Guido was a bit confused about that and told Otto he’d be back in a while to confirm which one was to get printed, but Otto did say that Guido’s version had a catchier intro.

After about an hour of hanging out outside the watch station I realised that it had been open all along. And then about half an hour after that I decided to go in. Funnily enough, mum, the only one in there was a halfling. He looked quite fierce, to be honest, but introduced himself as Jacko. And and I told him I was a Brambledown, but he wasn’t that interested.

I told him I wanted to join the sewer jacks and when he asked why I told him about the giant man-size rat I had fought in the Barren Hills, and the ones in Castle Wittgenstein. But he drew himself up to his less smallest height and he told me there was no such thing, so I made myself less small as well and told him that there really were. I’m not sure it’s good to disagree with your prospective boss in a job interview, but he seemed to like my answer.

And when he asked me if I had any experience, my two years in the river wardens satisfied him. Then he offered me a shilling and I knew that if I took it that meant I would be in the sewer jacks for a long time, and I thought of Guido telling me that I wouldn’t get the job or I wouldn’t be able to stick it, and I took the coin. So, mum, I’m now a proper sewer jack, although I still don’t really know what they do.

Then I called Jacko Jacko and he said I had to call him Captain Warble from now on. I asked him about getting a dog, and he said they had some puppies round the back and I could choose whichever one I wanted. There was a bunch of puppies lying with their mother, and Jacko pointed out the meanest one, who snarled at me, but I went for the little one on the end. It had a thick neck and a big nose so I called it Bloomer.

I asked Jacko what sort of breed it was, and he said it was a melange, which I think is one of those posh Bretonnian pedigrees. Although looking at it, I think it is probably only half melange. It is funny, mum, that as I am half-Bretonnian, I now have a half-Bretonnian dog.

So, I agreed to go on a sewer jack beat at ten o’clock that evening, and told Jacko I wouldn’t let him down. And then as soon as I left the watch station I bought a sausage and shared it with Bloomer.

Meanwhile Willow woke up alone in a pile of Blume’s bedclothes and went down to see Tiasmara. After a while all the urchins reported in. They told her that there had been a break in at the coopers, and Willow pretended to be surprised, and they pretended not to know who had broken in.

In the absence of any useful news Willow told them to watch out for anyone leaving or going to the coopers with papers or wearing purple, and to follow them. Then she paid them and treated them to a load of Tiasmara’s porridge.

Then Willow remembered she had an appointment with Pavarotti. She had got all the rest of us invited too, but none of us were around so she went up to the palace by herself with her Puddlefoot’s Herbs and her Sigmar’s Foil books. The guards admitted her, and Willow made her way through a series of guardrooms and corridors and up some stairs and arrived in Pavarotti’s quarters.

Pavaroti greeted her and was impressed with her books. He mentioned the Puddlefoot was a seminal work, but Willow told him he couldn’t have that one, but could have Sigmar’s Foil, and so Pavarotti said she could look through his library and see if anything took her fancy.

Willow noticed that Pavarotti’s room was a bit of a mess on one side where he had his bed and his personal effects, but the other side, with the library and his desk, it was very neat. And she saw a Tilean book on his desk, which he told her translated to Patterns of Hypnotic Techniques. He told her he had been using this to treat Prince Stefan and it had been showing positive results. Willow said it sounded like tricking people, but Pavarotti said it was more like positive mental attitude (I agree with that – Willow).

Then they got into a long discussion about Stefan. Pavarotti said that Stefan had been treated badly for a poorly understood and unnamed disability. He said that most of the time he just sat and stared straight ahead, but this was punctuated by bouts of mania. And he currently had his arm in a cast and many bruises caused during manic episodes. But he had been improving and he’d become more lucid and his mania less violent.

So, after her interesting meeting, Willow left Pavarotti with the Patterns of Hypnotic Techiniques book which she hoped Guido would help her read (because he’s Tilean).

Meanwhile, Blume had decided to search for Siegfried Prunkvoll, the Knight Eternal, as Hildegarde Zimperlich had asked her to do. She found his house on the edge of the palace grounds and he answered the door in full armour and with his full-face helmet on and he very formally and politely invited her in.

Blume was wondering whether to tell him about the purple hand plot to kill Princess Katarina (which remember, mum, isn’t actually a thing, it’s just something Blume made up the day before to try to get close to Katarina). But Prunkvoll started going on about jousting, and he spent rather a long time talking about that, even though Blume wasn’t very interested.

In the end she did mention the imaginary plot and Prunkvoll decided to rush off straight away to tell the Graf, even though he didn’t have any details or proper evidence. She tried to delay him a bit, but he told her that she didn’t have to worry herself about things now that a man was on the case, and she should take up tapestry or harpsichord or something like that.

By then Blume had realised that the Knight Eternal was pretty much useless, pompous, and not qualified to back any of his supposed military prowess up. ‘Just like Guido.’ You have to wonder, mum, why Zimperlich was so keen to have Blume find Prunkvoll, though.

Meanwhile, at the Field of Martials, Guido was due to fight in the first bout. His opponent was Dougat who was a decorated warrior of the Grimmenhagen Swords, apparently, and the crowd favourite. Dougat requested swords and shields but Guido requested two-sword fighting and Dougat agreed.

Then Guido wished Dougat good luck and the hope that Myrmidia and Sigmar would bless him, and Dougat wished that Myrmidia and Sigmar and Ulric would bless him, so Guido wished that Ulric and Taal would bless Dougat and this degenerated into a long, passive-aggressive god-off.

I’m not sure what happened in the fight because that was when I remembered Bloomer, who had been asleep in my pocket (and only weed once) all this time. So I showed it to Willow who thought he was gorgeous (he was gorgeous – Willow) but also pointed out that he was a boy. Willow said I should call it Boy Bloomer.

Dreamy wasn’t looking at Boy Bloomer, although he did give it a quick pet, and he wasn’t even looking at Guido. He was scanning the crowd to see if there was anyone watching the fight, not watching the fight, which would be a suspicious thing to do, even though he was doing it. And Bloomer wasn’t interested in Boy Bloomer. I think she was a bit insulted that I thought they looked alike, but you can definitely see a resemblance.

So I didn’t see much of the fight, but what happened was that Guido was able to fight with two weapons much better than Dougat, and after a cagey start, he finished him off with a classic left-right combination. And Dreamy said that they had been practising that exact move that morning. So Guido had planned the two sword fighting tactic all along, and it looks lie Dougat fell into his trap. Perhaps Guido is more of a strategist and tactician than we had given him credit for.

Anyway, Guido offered Dougat a hand up and said he had fought well, and made a show of being comrades in arms for the crowd. I don’t know why they do that, to be honest, mum. It’s a bit like at the vegetable fair when everyone says everyone else’s marrows are bigger and they think theirs should win the marrow growing competition, but everyone knows they don’t really mean it.

Then it was time for Dieter to fight Ishmael. Guido passed Dieter on his way out and wished him luck so that he would have the best opponent in the final, and they did a manly forearm grab.

This fight wasn’t very interesting, to be honest. It took a while for either of the fighters to land a blow, and Dieter caught Guido’s eye a couple of times, so I think his mind may have been on the final before he had even got past the semi, which was a bit disrespectful to his opponent.

And in the end, Dieter won comfortably enough, and pulled Ishmael to his feet and got the crowd to cheer for him. Then he went to Guido and said he would see him tomorrow. Guido said that it was a masterful display and he looked forward to learning from Dieter. He’s never said anything like that to me, and I’ve known him for ages. Then Dieter offered to buy him a drink.

And Dieter introduced him to his fiance, Kirsten Jung. She was well-dressed but not showy, so wealthy but not noble, probably. And she had a Middenheim accent. Guido kissed her hand and said that she must be proud of her fiance. She said she was worried about him but Guido said he was so skilled, there was nothing to worry about. And they all went off together. All that support we’d given Guido and he didn’t even come and talk to us or thank us, and he went straight off for a drink with his new mates.

Over drinks, Guido broached the subject of the taxes, again, and told Dieter that we had been at the Sword and Flail and met some angry dwarfs who wanted to do something about it. And Dieter’s replies were exactly the same as the last time Guido had asked him about it. In the end they agreed to stop talking politics.

Then Guido asked him about Prunkvoll, and Dieter agreed that Prunkvoll was a useless relic. And Guido wondered why Zimperlich had insisted he be summoned. And Dieter said that he was fond of the old dragon, but she does like her games. He said that had she thought the threat was genuine, she would have done more. So Guido laughed about that, realising that Zimperlich had sent Blume on a wild goose chase just to get rid of her.

So then it was time for the archery. We noticed that Rallane was there, presumably to support Allavandrel, and we even saw the Knight Eternal, there. And even Guido bothered to turn up to support Dreamy.

Dreamy shot before Allavandrel and got bull, a yellow and a bull for two-hundred and sixty points, which was very good. But Allavandrel, almost inevitably, got more than that, and so won the day and won the gold medal outright. But over the course of the three days, Dreamy had been the second best archer, and won the silver medal which was a great achievement.

Allavandrel came over to talk to Dreamy and said he shot well and that it had been good to meet him. And he offered Dreamy a drink and pie. And Dreamy stayed hanging out with the rest of us, instead of going off with Allavandrel (not like Guido). And so Allavandrel bought us all a pie and a drink, and he even bought me a sausage for Boy Bloomer.

And then it was nearly time for the minotaur fight, and we wondered whether Glugnur would be fighting and whether Willow would have a chance to talk to him. And there was also an elephant, or something, whatever that is, and Blume said she wanted to see it.

So, there you go, mum. That is the first bit of the third day of the carnival. I will write again and tell you what an elephant looks like, if I get to see one.