71: Josef Sparsam

Anyway, mum, Willow didn’t go home early and revise. She went to the opera. And everyone else went there, too, even though Blume had already been and told us it was rubbish and it was all in foreign. And I went, as well, even though I had to go to work, I worked out I could watch until the interval and still get to work on time.

To be honest, mum, I should have listened to Blume because the opera was quite mad. As far as I can tell, some fat man in a red dress (I think he was the king – Willow) went to the woods and lost his crown in a dancing tree. And then two birds landed on the tree and because the tree was magic something something I couldn’t understand.

The problem was, mum, every time something exciting was about to happen everyone would stop and sing a song which was crazy and made everything drag, even though some of the tunes were alright. Anyway, I couldn’t watch it to the end so I didn’t see whether the king found his crown, or how the birds got on.

At the opera Blume said she missed me since I had to work all the time (I’ve only worked for one day) but I think she was just angling to borrow some money for her private room. And Willow went with Pavarotti and watched from his private box which got Blume mad because she had to stand with the rest of us. And when Willow spotted us and waved and shouted to us that she had her own box it made her even madder.

Up in the box, Pavarotti got a few bottles of wine in, and while Willow was looking around she peaked into the next box and saw a middle-aged man all on his own. Pavarotti said that that was Chancellor Josef Sparsam and that Willow should not disturb him as he was very important and not very friendly.

Willow watched him for a while and noticed that he was singing along to the songs of the opera, but making up his own lyrics, and some of them sounded quite vulgar, and he was behaving very strangely. Willow asked Pavarotti about it and he said that Sparsam might be repressed and Willow suggested he could be hypnotised, and Pavarotti said he doubted that and that he was probably on something.

And because of his behaviour and the look in his eyes, which was similar to Glugnur’s, Willow thought that he might be on Ranald’s Delight, which is a highly addictive stimulant. So, and you won’t be surprised at this, mum, Willow crawled under the curtain separating the two boxes and introduced herself to the chancellor.

And she asked him if he wanted to try some fuggleweed and he asked her if she wanted to try some of his stuff. Sparsam had a bottle of white powder and they exchanged some drugs (I didn’t take any, though – Willow) and the fuggleweed helped mellow out some of the harsh effects of the Delight. And soon Sparsam became a lot more relaxed and started chatting about his love of antique art, pottery, and coins. And he went on about it for quite a long time even though Willow wasn’t that interested (I’m a good listener – Willow).

Meanwhile, Dreamy had gone over to Rallane’s group and started chatting with them. To be honest, mum, with all the chatter, I’m surprised anyone could hear the opera. Dreamy told him that he had spoken to Thognar, the dwarf at KEDHI, and that he had got angry when Rallane’s name had been mentioned in connection with the taxes. And Rallane looked genuinely sad to hear this. Then Dreamy called us all over so we could talk to Rallane.

Blume told him that she was an influencer, but Rallane called her an agitator, and Blume said she was, but only if bad fashion agitated you. Blume told Rallane that she thought humans and elves should stick together as they were more sophisticated than the lower races (I think she means us and the dwarfs, mum) but I’m not sure Rallane agreed. I think to an elf a human is a lower race. And to be honest, mum, Blume is a bit lower than that.

And we talked about Malondel at KEDHI and Rallane said that all he was interested in was drinking and dancing, and didn’t sound that impressed with him. And Blume asked him what he thought about the new taxes, and Rallane said he didn’t think they were a good idea. And she said that he should sing a song about it, then. And Rallane said he did.

Then I started giving my opinion on the music, (I’ve already told you how crazy it was, mum) but Guido dragged me away. He was going to give me one of his lectures where he tells me how stupid I am, but then he denied he thought I was stupid and said he never had any intention of calling me an imbecile, but I could see that he did (I know you said I’m the brightest of all your sons, mum).

Anyway, Guido told me he thought I was behaving strangely, and I didn’t really want to tell him anything, but I ended up just blurting stuff out about all the strange dreams I had been having since we fought the finger hair lady. So I told him all about my dreams with the pink fire and the hair with the snakes and the big eyes and about how uncle Isaac had started turning up in my dreams and how it was stopping me from sleeping.

Anyway, I don’t know why I bothered telling him because he wasn’t that interested, and his expert advice was ‘hang on in there,’ which wasn’t very useful. And then he said he expected better of me, so I just left. So I never got to see what happened to the birds or the crown, but Blume followed me out and told me that one of the birds broke its wing and died.

When Blume got back she told Guido that my mind might be unravelling. And Guido said that if I was of normal intelligence they might have spotted it sooner, but because I was an imbecile it was hard to tell. And Blume told him he should pray it way, but Guido made a load of excuses like he usually does when he has to actually do something useful.

But they agreed they would go to the temple of Verena and see if there was anything about it, there. And Blume said she could also help Guido find out things about the Spice Islands. And Guido had to apologise because he had doubted that the Spice Islands were real, but they were. And Guido said that Blume was becoming a nicer person, and so she asked him for some money for her room.

Then they talked about Willow failing her exam, and Blume said she was annoyed because she had forked out the crown for her to sit it. And Guido wondered how she could have possibly failed, seeing as she had had so much practical experience. And they agreed that it was probably because she was on the fuggleweed too much. And they wondered how she was getting on, and looked up to the boxes and noticed a lot of smoke billowing from Sparsam’s box.

Guido got annoyed by this and stormed off towards the boxes. One of the guards tried to stop him, but Guido invoked the authority of the Order of the Silver Hammer and marched past him. And insisting he had important business with Pavarotti, the guard agreed to accompany him. Pavarotti was slumped in his box surrounded by wine bottles and when asked where Willow was he shrugged and said she was with the chancellor. Guido told him to make sure that Dreamy didn’t find out that he had left Willow unaccompanied (but to be honest, mum, I don’t think it’s Pavarotti’s job to keep Willow safe).

So Guido peeped through the curtain and saw Willow and the chancellor chatting away. Willow asked him whether he was happy and Sparsam said that he didn’t think he was. And Willow told him he should talk to people. But Sparsam explained that he couldn’t. He said that once you get into a position of power you lose sight of who your true friends are. And he said the ladies of the court were too frivolous and they got paid three hundred crowns a year just for being frivolous.

Then Willow asked him about Wallenstein and said she thought he might be a bit creepy. But Sparsam said he was a straight up guy and a hard worker, but Willow got him to admit that if he were a woman then he would probably have a lower opinion of Wallenstein, and he agreed that Wallenstein did not treat the ladies very well. Willow suggested that Sparsam could tell Wallenstein that that wasn’t on, but I don’t think he will, mum.

Then Willow asked Sparsam what he did and he explained that he was head of the treasury. Willow asked if he approved of the new taxes and he said that the goal was to maximise public funds. (And that the ladies of court were so frivolous that there should probably be a jewellery tax.) Then Willow told him that one of life’s biggest enjoyments was being nice to people. And then Sparsam decided that he needed to go to the privy.

So that gave Guido a chance to talk to Willow and ask her what she was up to. And I think Guido could tell that Willow was very high, and Sparsam was even higher, and in any case, he could see all the drugs scattered around the box. And when Sparsam returned, Willow introduced Guido to him. But seeing Guido he suddenly became more reserved and they said a few words about Dieter, but it became a bit awkward. So Willow dismissed Guido by telling him that we were probably missing him. And so he had little choice but to leave. And he sat down next to a drunk Pavarotti, but he carried on listening to what was being said in the next box.

And when Willow asked Sparsam what was wrong he explained that he wasn’t very good with strangers and he quickly took some more Delight. Willow then said that if she opened up to him then he could open up to her, and she told him of the most embarrassing thing that had happened to her, and I won’t write about it here, mum, because I know they still snigger about it in Barkshire, especially at pumpkin picking time.

And when Willow asked Sparsam to say something about himself, he leaned back in his chair with his head in his hands, and broke down and sobbed. And he grabbed the bottle of Delight and threw it to the ground. He said it was all about his addiction, and that he knew he shouldn’t have supported the new taxes.

Then Sparsam hesitated to say more, but Willow assured him that she would be able to help. And so he continued. He said that he first saw Wasmeier (who is one of the law lords) with the Delight, and he had assured Sparsam that it was just a tonic and that it would make him feel better, and he said it was non-addictive. And Sparsam said he was only addicted because of his moral weakness. But Willow assured him that Delight was highly addictive for everyone and Wasmeier had not told the truth.

And after he became addicted, someone called Frau Kenner, who supplied the Delight, said she would only continue the supply if he approved the taxes. And Willow said that she would use hypnotism to rid him of the addiction.

And Sparsam asked her if she could do something about Frau Kenner, and mentioned her friend with the sword (he meant Guido, mum) and Willow said that Guido would be able to give her a stern talking to. Sparsam said that Kenner comes once a week to the palace to bring his supply and her next visit would be on the last day of the carnival (which I think will be on Festag, which is in four days’ time).

So Willow used Sparsam’s chain of office as a focus (a technique Pavarotti had taught her) and hypnotised him. I’m not sure what it’s about mum, but I think it’s just like telling someone something really hard while they’re listening really hard. So she told him that Ranald’s Delight was not delightful and that he was a strong independent man who didn’t need it. And she got him to repeat, ‘I don’t need Delight, and I’ll make things right.’

Then when that had sunk in, Willow showed Sparsam the bottle of Delight and asked him if he wanted any, and he said he didn’t, so it looked like that had been a resounding success. Then she told him about what had happened at the Physician's Guild and how their biased system had made it difficult for her to join, and Sparsam said he would deal with that. And Willow was clear that she did not want to get in unfairly, but that the present system was unfair.

Willow said that if Sparsam needed any follow up hypnotism to let her know and she said that she would get Guido to come to the palace on the Festag to have a word with Kenner. Then she gave him a hug and left, but before she went she took the bottle of D and all the fuggleweed, just to help remove the temptation.

Then Willow told Guido everything, and he told her it was a very serious situation, and that there was obviously some sort of detailed plan behind getting Sparsam addicted. And that he wouldn’t just be talking to Kenner, but she might have to face much more serious consequences than that. And despite getting all the story behind Sparsam’s behaviour and finding out about Frau Kenner, mum, I don’t think Willow appreciated quite what she had discovered. (I appreciate it and I’m an imbecile.)

Then they got together with Blume and Dreamy and discussed everything that had happened. Blume said that maybe Dieter had been hypnotised, too. And no one knew who Frau Kenner was but Willow suggested that because Glugnur was on the D, too, maybe they could follow his supply and find Frau Kenner. And we knew that Glugnur hung out at the Pit so maybe we should go there.

And Blume said that she knew Wasmeier was a Law Lord, together with Ehrlich and Hoflich, and we might be able to find out more about them at the Worshipful Guild of Legalists. Then they talked about doing research at the library of Verena, as well, and also the idea of Blume becoming a court lady but I think you need to be born a bit higher to qualify. And although Blume has been behaving a lot more like a proper lady recently, I’m not sure she does.

And then Guido took Willow aside and apologised to her for doubting that her hypnotism could be any use. And I think it was a bit surprising that Willow found all that out just by smoking fuggleweed and being nice. I think Guido could have stretched Sparsam and pulled his fingernails out and he still would not have found out as much.

Anyway, mum, I missed all that because I went to work. My first day was quite exciting, with all the new stuff. But the second day dragged a bit. I didn’t fall in any sewerage, so that was good, but we did spend a lot of time cutting up fat-bergs and picking the hair off of the grilles, and we didn’t catch any rats. I tried to tell Jacko about the red king and the dancing tree and stuff but he wasn’t very interested.

So that’s that, mum. We found out about someone called Frau Kenner and I think that she might be very important in getting to the heart of this tax thing, so I will write and tell you if we can find out any more about her in my next letter. And I might have something to say about the Fire-Breathers of Carroburg.