72: Natasha Sinnlich

Hi, mum, it’s the next day of the carnival, now. I went drinking down the Regent’s with Jacko and the rest of the sewer lads after work, and then fell asleep there, for a couple of hours, but that wasn’t much less sleep than I would normally get these days. And I had another bad dream, and Guido appeared in this one, and called me an imbecile, which made it even worse. And that made me wake up and I found myself alone in the Regent’s Arms lying under a table.

The others got a room at the Templar’s. Blume has run out of money and so Dreamy paid for it and said it was best for mutual protection, but I think he just felt sorry for her.

In the morning everyone exchanged their plans for the day. I didn’t, mum, because I didn’t really have anything I wanted to do, but everyone else seemed to have a lot planned.

Willow said she wanted to go to the Pit and talk to Glugnur and perhaps that would lead us to Frau Kenner who was supplying Dee to Josef Sparsam. Then she wanted to bump into Dieter because she had this idea that he might have been hypnotised into supporting the taxes and she was an expert at hypnotism now. And she said that she had to hypnotise me to stop my bad dreams (only if you give explicit informed consent – Willow). And she had to meet the urchins and get their report and she remembered that she had not got the mittens and socks she promised them even though it is the middle of summer. And she had to rearrange her herb collection because she had got a load of herbs from the palace gardens, and she had found some Scarlet Elf Cap which I think is a very dangerous poison.

Blume said she had plans to go to the library of Verena to do research into the Spice Islands and on how to cure bad dreams, which I think was for my benefit, which was nice of her. Then she had to go to court and become friends with the court ladies. And she had to go to the Guild of Legalists to find Karl-Heinz Wasmeier. And then look for Dieter to see if he was hypnotised or drugged. And then find Gotthard Wallenstein to see if he could help her become a lady of the court.

Dreamy’s to do list was keep Willow alive (I am alive – Willow).

Guido went off early to do something. I wasn’t there so I don’t know where he went and even if I was there he would probably have called me an imbecile. He probably went off to hang out with his new friends, but I expect he’ll pretend he was on an important secret mission for the Order of the Silver Hammer or something.

We had been playing whack the rat at the Regent’s which is a training game that teaches you to smack the head of a rat to stun it or otherwise render it susceptible to extraction from the sewers. Obviously we don’t use real rats, but a padded glove with some eyes and whiskers drawn on it. That gave me the idea to get Blume to weight the handle of my fake wooden pistol with lead to make it into a club. And she charged me two shillings, which seemed like a bargain, but she just went and bought fourpence worth of lead shot and used that. I am an imbecile (no you’re not, you’re one of the most intelligent halflings I’ve ever met – Willow). But now I have a nice rat-whacker and Blume gave me sixpence back, anyway.

Blume went to check with Uli on whether Wallenstein had sent her anything, and he hadn't (and I don’t think he ever will, mum), and whether anyone had replied to her pamphlet’s jingle competition. There had only been one entry and that was a load of anti-Sigmarite abuse which I won’t repeat here, mum, coz I know it’s being read to the girls. In any case, there’s no historical evidence that Sigmar did anything of the sort.

Meanwhile, Willow was talking to Tiasmara who was making scramborridge for when the urchins turned up. Willow said she was sorry that she hadn’t got the mittens and socks she had promised but Tiasmara told her not to worry as it was the middle of summer.

When the urchins arrived Uli Muli told Willow that they had been following Wallenstein around and that he had gone to the festival of fine ales where he had drunk a lot, and then gone on to a number of inns and taverns and some gentlemen’s clubs (I’m not really sure what a gentlemen’s club is, mum).

The urchins hadn’t gone into any of these places, because they were only urchins, but thought that Wallenstein had been drinking a lot of red wine. And he gave her the names of some of the establishments concerned. Then Willow apologised for not having the mittens and socks, and Uli said not to worry as it was the middle of summer. Willow asked the urchins to follow Wallenstein again, but also anyone he meets. And then she paid them.

Then Willow asked me (informed consent – Willow) if I wanted her to hypnotise me to try to get me to sleep better. I wasn’t very keen on it, to be honest, but in the end she convinced me that it might help and there were no side effects. She started off by saying I was feeling very sleepy, which wasn’t true, obviously. And then she waved a spoon at me and suggested I was in a nice forest with some running water and things like that, but at the end I was feeling no different at all, so I don’t think it worked.

And then she tried to blame me for it for talking too much. I expect she thinks I’m an imbecile and not bright enough to be hypnotisable, mum. But Willow said I wasn’t an imbecile and I needed a confidence boost, and she said she would talk to Guido when she saw him next.

Mum, I’m not sure how the next conversation came about but Willow ended up lecturing Blume on reproductive health. And told her that when she was working at the Barkshire clinic ninety per cent of cases were STDs. But Blume said that humans weren’t at it all the time like halflings, and I think she has a point because, to be honest, I don’t think Blume or Guido are at it any of the time.

Anyway, Willow said that the best solution was lamb guts. But, you remember Cornel Yellowcress, mum. He had a load of lamb guts, and his dog ate them all. And then every time he invited another halfling back to his place the dog would chase him round the house expecting a snack.

Then Blume said she was heading to the Worshipful Guild of Legalists and asked me to go along. I didn’t really want to, but she insisted and even sort of pushed me out the door. I got the impression that Blume was shepherding me everywhere with her just so that she wouldn’t be alone. To be honest, mum, I was starting to feel a bit like an emotional support halfling.

At the Worshipful Guild of Legalists, hereafter ‘the guild’, they refused to see us unless we had a number but luckily we managed to grab number three from their number machine and they were already on number two so we only had to wait ten minutes.

And when Blume was seen, she took me up to the desk with her, and asked to see Wasmeier. And when they said he wasn’t there, she asked where he lived but they said they weren’t able to give out that information. Then she wanted to know the role of the law lords in the tax legislation, and the bloke behind the desk said he would get their expert. But when their expert arrived, we had to get another number and we waited for another ten minutes.

But when I went to get the four, I also got the five, six, seven, and eight. And the nine, so that we wouldn’t have to wait so long if they asked for any other numbers. See, mum, I’m not such an imbecile, am I?

Their expert was called Senior Clerk Wahnsinnige and he was able to tell us quite a lot about how the tax laws are created. Unfortunately he was really boring, and so instead of listening to all the information, I fell asleep and had another nightmare about Guido and Isaac. I can tell you what he said, mum, but it’s very boring.

The interests of merchants, and similar people are represented by the Chairman of the Merchants’ Guild, who makes recommendations to the City Komission for Commerce, Trade, and Taxation. The current Chairman of the Guild, Herr Gotthard Wallenstein, is also, as it happens, Chairman of the Komission. Other interested bodies, such as the temples and the Collegium Theologica, make their representations via other city Councils, according to the nature of the matter at hand: in some cases the Komission for Health, Education and Welfare; in others the Komission for Public Works; and so on.

So, it was interesting that Wallenstein’s name came up, again. And we had to use another number to ask for Wasmeier’s address and Blume tried to bribe the clerk but he would not be swayed. Not even for a whole shilling.

Then we used another number to ask whether the law lords frequented gentlemen’s clubs but the clerk seemed a bit shocked and said he couldn’t possibly say. But he suggested they probably have a drink at the palace because they have rooms there. And then for a final question, Blume asked how one became a lady of the court but Wahnsinnige said that had no legal bearing. But I suggested she should catch the eye of a noble.

Anyway, I’m not sure either of us fitted in very well at the guild, but I think we learned quite a lot, especially that Wallenstein and Wasmeier could both have been influential in passing the tax laws and that their voting and decisions were all made in private.

When we got back to the Templar’s Willow was doing karaoke. This is a bit difficult to explain, mum, but I think it comes from Nippon, and it involves someone singing a song. Actually it’s not that difficult to explain, after all. Anyway, Uli the landlord and Tiasmara were joining in. They were singing Mootamia, Mootaloo, and Knowing Me, Knowing You, A Halfling. Songs that you know, of course, mum. And they even got some tips from passers by who liked the noise.

Then Willow said we should go to the Pit in Altquartier so we could talk to Glugnur. I think Dreamy thought it was going to be a fighting pit, and Willow thought it was going to be a barbecue pit, and kept telling us about all the lovely food we would have. But it turned out just to be a bit of a pit. It looked so awful that Blume and I decided to load our pistols before going in.

And it was full of rough types and some of them looked like they were on drugs. I suggested that Willow should bribe the people there with her Delight, but she said she would just talk to them nicely. Glugnur wasn’t there but Willow asked someone if they were on Delight, and he denied it. Then she asked him if he knew Frau Kenner, and he said no but said if Willow was after some Ranny Dee she should talk to Bruno and gestured to a tall, thin man with blue streaks in his hair, and a painted white face. He looked very strange.

So Willow went straight up to him and introduced herself and Dreamy twitched. She asked him if he sold drugs, and she told him she was a doctor, and although I thought he might just kill her, they had a surprisingly civilised and philosophical discussion about the nature of reality, morality, and free will.

And after they had bonded Willow asked him where he got his supplies from and he said, quite reasonably, that if he told her that it could eat into his profits. So she asked him directly if he knew Frau Kenner and he said that he didn’t. And she asked if Glugnur got his drugs from Frau Kenner or from him, and Bruno said it was from him.

So Willow gave up with Bruno and announced to everyone in the Pit that she was giving free hypnotherapy to anyone who wanted to be cured of their addictions. No one took her up on it, though, and she told them that if they changed their minds they would be able to find us at the Templar’s. She told them they always have a choice, and then lit her fuggleweed (that whole thing were too stressful – Willow).

So we left the Pit and headed up to the Bernabau to watch the fire breathers in the hope of bumping into Dieter, and on the way agreed that the name Frau Kenner might just be an alias. Blume wondered what it would take to become a lady of the court, and we remarked that all the ladies were very attractive and that it might not be possible to say the same for Blume. But she said that Kirsten Jung wasn’t that attractive and she had managed to bag Dieter, but Dreamy pointed out that she had a nice personality.

The fire-breathing was so-so, mum. You’d think it would be very exciting, wouldn’t you. But having seen the summoning flames in the warehouse in Boegenhafen, and the mysterious green fog around the collapse of Castle Wittgenstein, and the pink fire with the snakes and eyes of the finger hair lady, and Blume trying to make breakfast on Das Moot, we’ve seen all kinds of fires, and so are probably a bit jaded.

At the Bernabau we spotted Johan Schwermutt, Petra Liebkosen, Allavandrel, and Natasha Sinnlich, but there was no sign of Dieter. I pointed out to Blume that Sinnlich had been hanging out with the Kislevan ambassador and so would be able to give her tips on becoming a lady of the court.

So she went over and introduced herself to Sinnlich, even though I could tell that she was a bit uneasy about going on her own and she said she had been admiring her lace of the neck (for some reason, Blume decided that saying lace of the neck instead of necklace made her sound sophisticated). And then she had to apologise for what she was wearing because her dress had been through it. And although Blume has been mixing with the nobs recently and looking somewhat at home among them, she did look a bit out of place next to Sinnlich who was very tall, and beautiful, and imposing, and Blume wasn’t.

Sinnlich did seem to know who Blume was, though, and had noticed that she had been running around the court with some halflings. And they had a decent conversation about fashion and a carnival in Blumehoffen that Blume made up. And she told Blume that there was a rigorous application and training process for becoming a lady of the court, and it was a very big deal, and this was all done at the palace.

Blume claimed Petra Liebkosen as a mutual friend, and they chatted about Wallenstein. Blume said that she had disliked him at first glance because of his aura. Sinnlich told her not to talk to him as he was creepy and gross. But all the time Blume was talking, she seemed to want me to join them. I’m not sure what use a halfling sewer jack would be when talking to a lady of the court, but Blume seemed a bit lost on her own, without any support.

Then Blume told Sinnlich about the Isolde Begegnen and Ar Ulric rumour that Willow had made up. And Sinnlich was happy to hear it as she said she had no time for Ar Ulric and it would be good if he could be taken down a peg or two. She said she also had no time for the Sigmarites, as they were all as bad as each other.

Blume asked one more time about being a lady of the court and wondered whether there was an opening, but Sinnlich told her that they reach out to you. And Blume explained that her invitation had probably been lost in the post because she lived on a boat. And Sinnlich thought that she should probably live in a castle, but Blume explained that it was just like living in a castle, except that it moved so you got a different view every day. And said she liked living in Harry’s moving castle (that has a kind of ring to it, doesn’t it, mum).

In the end Blume returned to us and complained that she hadn’t made any progress on become a lady of the court and that Sinnlich was a bit mean. And I explained to her that she wasn’t mean, she was just snotty, and that Blume was mean. People expected the ladies of the court to be snotty and so Blume needed to work on turning her meanness into snottiness.

Blume wondered what a halfling of the sewers could know about being a lady of the court, but it seems to me, mum, that both are full of rats that will eat you alive as soon as you turn your back.

Anyway, mum, it’s the life-sculpting at the Royal Gardens next. I’ll tell you how that goes (to be honest it sounds pretty boring (they’ve got some nice topiary – Willow)) in my next letter.