93: Gottfried Jarmund

Before we went to Jarmund’s, Guido talked to Schutzmann about the rat men invasion of the Templar’s Arms, and Schutzmann said he hadn’t seen any of the bodies, as they had been dealt with by the sewer jacks (I didn’t see them ether, mum, and I’m a sewer jack). And Guido wondered whether Schutzmann could believe that the rat men were a real thing or just a sort of local beastman and he reckoned that he might barely accept the possibility. But Schutzmann said that this was really about the Purple Hand and we should concentrate on that.

Vinny told Schutzmann that he might be able to find him a new mog, and called him mate. But I think Schutzmann had more important things on his mind than replacing his cat.

We decided we needed to investigate the underworld for clues to which of the low kings had kidnapped Jarmund. I knew his contact, Alfric Half-Nose from the sewer jacks and so we knew we could contact him if we needed to pass the word to the low king, whichever one it was.

I thought it would be very obvious to let Vinny talk to his friends and colleagues in the criminal community of Middenheim, but Vinny seemed to make any excuse not to do that. I think he was probably scared of the low kings, but you have to wonder what he is doing around us, if he isn’t prepared to help us with things like that. Even his door opening skills leave something to be desired.

I was a bit annoyed by that, and made fun of Vinny’s lack of help, but I think I probably made too many remarks about it. And then Blume called him a chicken. So Guido told us off and criticised our lack of focus.

So we decided to head to Jarmund’s house and see what that might tell us. And on the way, we went past a rat catcher who had caught a load of cats. Vinny went to talk to him and he explained that he was now being paid tuppence a cat. And he said that it would be good for business, because soon the lack of cats would mean loads more rats and he would have to be paid to catch them.

And then Guido told Vinny not to call Schutzmann ‘mate’ as it showed a lack of respect. But Fred said that Vinny had his uses and it might not do to take away the edge he had in certain circumstances. He said we all had our own strengths and a good mix of abilities. And Guido agreed that Fred was in charge at this point. But I think Guido thinks it’s fine for other people to be in charge at different times as long as he is in charge of deciding who is in charge.

Jarmund’s house was in a reasonably respectable terrace (humans are obsessed with how respectable each of their streets is, mum). And on the door there was a notice that said ‘Due to illness, all current clients are referred to the Worshipful Guild of Legalists to seek new counsel. — G. Jarmund, esq.’

So Vinny and I went round the back again and Blume knocked on the door. I’m not sure what Fred meant when he said that we had a good mix of abilities, but standing in the back alley while someone respectable knocks on the front door seems to be one of ours.

A short lady (not a halfling, mum) opened the door and explained to Blume what she had already read on the notice. But Blume insisted she needed specialist legal advice that could only come from Jarmund. The lady would not be moved and went to close the door again but Blume stuck her foot in the way. And the lady started screaming for help.

Luckily a member of the city watch was close by and he came to help. (Geddit, mum, it wasn’t just any member of the city watch, it was Fred.) Fred asked what the problem was, and got himself and Guido invited inside the house to investigate the crime. He asked about her master and got the impression she was lying about him being there, but thought someone might be there.

Meanwhile Vinny and I could see some of this going on at the back of the house, and Vinny decided to try to climb up to the next floor of the house. But the first thing he did was put his foot through the window and break the glass. I reckon I could have done that, mum. And then he ran away as quick as he could and left me standing in the alleyway.

Guido shouted out the window and asked what I was up to, but I explained that I was a normal member of the watch doing my job, which seemed to satisfy him. But then he pretended to tell me off, but I don’t think he was really pretending because he does it all the time.

Then Fred had a look round the house and found a room on the top floor that was locked. When he got back down, he saw Blume and Vinny in the road, and smuggled them into the house and told them to check the top room. Vinny managed to pick the lock and inside they found that nearly everything in the room had been taken, they guessed in a sort of careful way, rather than ransacked by criminals. There was a desk planner left behind, however, and Blume noticed that there was a very regular entry of 2GC SH. Chap.

Meanwhile, the old housekeeper had grabbed her pistol and was making her way up the stairs. She told Fred that she had heard noises coming from there. Vinny made his way out the window and tried to get down the front of the building using his rope. But he got stuck and ended up dangling by his rope over the street. And the woman saw Blume and screamed at her to get out, so she did.

Fred went to pretend to investigate and told Vinny to jump for it. And Vinny slid down the rope and fell the last few feet onto the cobbles, which probably hurt. Then Fred cut the rope and told the housekeeper that he was going out to arrest the thief.

So he went out in the street and pretended to arrest Vinny, and Blume came back to see what was happening, and the housekeeper saw her and fired her pistol, missing wildly, but Fred had to pretend to arrest Blume as well. And Blume ran away and Guido ran off after her. Then Fred told the housekeeper that he had it all under control and he would send someone round in the morning to make sure she was alright.

So, in the end, it took all our expertise and effort to break into a house in Middenheim guarded by a single little old lady. It was a sorry show, mum, and I’m glad to say I didn’t play any part in it. Really, mum, we broke into Castle Wittgenstein more successfully than that.

Then we all went back to Hausnung. I thought we were going to have a debriefing so Guido could go on endlessly about what had gone wrong, but Blume’s nanny interrupted to say that there was a visitor. And Blume was looking pleased that she might receive someone important, but the nanny explained that the visitor was for me.

It turned out, mum, that it was Pavarotti, and the graf had told him all about my request to have my sleeping issues solved. And he had brought a load of jams and herbs from Willow at Hartpetal’s Hospital for us.

Pavarotti laid out a comprehensive regime for me to follow. He said I was to have some time off work, but I told him I had to go and talk to Alfric half-nose soon. Then I thought I could pop in just to tell them I wouldn’t be coming in, and have a word with him, then.

And he said I had to write a dream journal. I can’t write, but Pavarotti told Blume that she should write it for me, and she could sit by my bed while I slept in case I needed any dreams written down in an emergency. Blume wasn’t very pleased about that but then he said I should have the master bedroom as it was more conducive to good sleep, which annoyed her even more. And I should have her silkiest sheets and pyjamas, and double pillows.

And he said that humming before bed sometimes helped, and I said I wasn’t very good at humming but I was sure that Blume could do that for me, as well. And Blume said maybe nanny could do it.

Then Pavarotti asked me about my dreams and I told him about the snake hair lady and he said that snakes could represent fear, or transformation, or a hidden threat, but I said I thought they represented a lady who had snakes for hair.

Then we all had a discussion about who got what room, and Guido agreed to stay in the house, and Blume even let Vinny stay, although he got the worst room, but he didn’t mind at all.

Then before bed Vinny told us what he knew about Alfric half-nose. I thought he was a simple sewer jack, but Vinny said he was well known in the criminal underworld as a purveyor of rumours and information and had contacts among the minions of several low kings. He said he could be contacted at the Bretonnia House Inn which was in an area between the territories of the two low kings, Gouda and Bleyden, whoever they are.

Anyway, mum, that’s the story of how we annoyed an old housekeeper. I know you expect better of me. I will write to you again, and I hope I have something a bit more brave and heroic to recount.